Evolution

Well, this will be my last post of the year. What a crazy year...

I believe in mistakes... but I don't really believe in regrets. I think the only real regret that you can have is to make a mistake and not learn from it. It has been a year of learning for me. In some ways I feel like I have grown a lot, and in other ways I feel like I have been knocked back to the beginning (Do NOT pass go, do NOT collect $200).

It has been a year of joy and sadness, trials and challenges, victories and losses. Not surprisingly, the center of my attention for this past year was the Boo's battle and triumph (BOO-YAH!) over cancer. While we are still re-grouping and sometimes feel discouraged, I look at our foundation and I am proud. We laid it right.

Where I would never minimize the aftermath of a real tragedy, in a way I do feel like we have survived a violent earthquake. In my mind I can see myself stumbling around the wreckage of my home, dazed and bewildered. Crying for what was lost, thankful for what still remains, frustrated that this has befallen us, and overwhelmed with where to start.

One pile at a time.

Brick by brick we have been clearing away the rubble. It's been messy, hard, demanding, and exhausting. But with the new year being less than 24-hours away, I see the foundation. Despite the destruction, I am pleased to see that there are no cracks in it. What we decide to build on it will be much of how our 2011 plays out.

It seems silly that we tend to wait until December 31st to "re-examine" things. We make New Years resolutions, claim "clean slates", "new beginnings"... but isn't January 1st just another day? Why do we wait for this magical turning of the calendar to try and better ourselves? All rhetorical... I don't have the answers... I fall prey to it as well.

This year was the year of evolution for me. I thought I knew who I was. And I did...sort of. But after you go thru something that strips away ...well, I don't know what it strips away... but I can just tell you that there have been times this year where I felt like I had nothing, where I was bare and empty and that is when you find out who you really are.

That's the yuck. Having to look at yourself like that and accept that it is part of who you are. Seeing myself in that light has changed me, for the better I think... I hope. To know yourself well is a dangerous and sometimes difficult task. To be honest I now know how weak I am, and how the humor and stonewalling is just a facade for the thin ice that lies beneath. But on the flip side, I have discovered that I truly love unconditionally, without judgment, and will do anything for those close to me.

To self evolve is a good thing. When you consider how throughout time animals have made adaptations to their surroundings, it was never for the worse, and I like to think that we are the same. I hope that 2011 is a year of further evolution: growth and discovery, learning and overcoming challenges.

Thank you to all who read, who endure my hardships, nonsensical ramblings, and random queries. I wish you all a happy and safe new year. May the new year bring many happy memories, peace, love, and joy to you all.

Wait

that mountain looks high and so far off

but we're going up and over cause it stands in the path

no one ever said it was easy

and baby, we both know its true

the rose colored glasses are off

maybe they came off too soon

you say hurry up

but I'm so tired

no don't wait for me

can't you see that I need you to wait for me

to hold my hand and pull me along

i wanna be the leader

don't always want to follow

let me be the leader

let me be the queen of the castle

your queen of the castle

are you my king?

i've been dying of thirst

dont you have some water?

i'm so tired but i'm still going after

after you

after life

after me

i'm falling behind

I can't ever keep up

you call over your shoulder

but I can barely see you

wait for me

i want you to wait for me

i wanna be the leader

don't always want to follow

let me be the leader

let me be the queen of the castle

your queen of the castle

are you my king?

i dont want to ask

i want you to know

i dont want you to leave

but I dont want to follow

wait for me

take my hand and walk my side

wait for me

i want you to want to wait for me

Angry Mad Post

I am frustrated...beyond frustrated...I am mad.

One of my passions is to help those with problems I have struggled with. One of my greatest struggles in life has been my weight and the eating disorders that have accompanied that. One of my friends recently confessed that she is struggling with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. In order to help her, I felt it prudent to research.

So diligently I sat at my computer and typed in "understanding body dysmorphic disorder" into the web browser. Instantly there was a list of resources for me to peruse. After clicking on a few, I was more than disappointed; I was horrified.

These sites, which many rely upon as "resources" to tackle their disorders, felt like it was a good idea to advertise dieting tips, weight loss regimes, weight loss pills, exercise programs, and one advertisement even proclaimed (in call caps no less), "Click here to obtain the perfect body!"

With frustrated tears in my eyes I angrily closed the browser and began to cry softly. Not for myself, but for others who have viewed this atrocity. To know that people with serious problems are exposed to this hypocrisy is saddening, disheartening, and exasperating. They come searching for hope but instead are immediately detracted by the array of defamations on the screen.

I imagine what people's response might be if I were to walk into an AA meeting with a bottle of vodka and began to pass out shots. Not making them take the shot, but putting it in their hand while they are actively pursuing help. I envision that many would get angry, throw me out, perhaps exude some level of violence... and to be honest... I wouldn't blame them. It is arguable that when people with dangerous addictions seek help that they are fighting for their lives, and what I have done is shown a callous disrespect for not only their decision to seek help, but also their well being, their future, and their existence.

I know that many struggle with a variety of eating disorders. This pains me because I know that the issue is not normally about the body, but it seems to be. It is normally a heart and mind issue, something that we are wounded from and are still recovering. If you suffer, I pray that you are able to see past the vanity of the world, to see into your soul, and to find your worth as God intended. If anyone reading this ever needs a listening ear on the matter I am more than willing to listen and lend advice should you want it. This issue hits home for me.

Nobody should feel unloved, especially by themselves.

Alive

I look in your eyes and I see my future
I hold your hand and I feel secure
I kiss your lips and the world stops moving
I see your heart and I know its where I belong


your friendship is where I take refuge
your arms are the safest place
your laugh opens my eyes to new colors
your touch brings me to life


your whispers chase away my fears
your embrace brings peace to my soul
your breathing matches mine in easy rhythm
the beat of your heart is the beat of my own


pull me close
never let me go
because it's when I'm here
that I know I'm alive

Clarification

In writing a blog I am aware that I make some very private matters of my life public. I do this because I love to write, but also because I like to share in what I am experiencing, serious or nonsensical.

That being said, I also want to point out that not everything on this blog is about me; herein I am referring to the songs that I write. I completely understand that when you read my blogs that are clearly about my life, that then when you read a song I've written you may try and draw a parallel between them.

Please do not do this.

While sometimes my song writing is connected to my heart, often it is just something fun or an idea that popped into my head that I am jotting down. I incorporate my life, other's lives, movies, music, books, and poetry into my writing so it would be quite presumptuous that everything in my writing is about me.

Many of my songs have raised eyebrows and questions and I just want to put them to rest. If you feel like you have a direct issue about something and simply cannot let it go, I would ask that you consult me directly on it. As you know, I do prefer to not talk about what I write here, but understand that sometimes you may feel like something needs to be addressed.

I just wanted to take the time to clarify this issue and will probably occasionally post this as a reminder so that we all stay on the same page. I hope that you enjoy what you read, but understand that this is a personal and creative outlet for me.

Haunted

you're the monster hiding under my bed

you're the skeleton in my closet

I wish I could forget you

erase that part of my life

but you made me who I am

your ghost is still with me

whispers in my ear

I catch your reflection

don't like what I see

I've forgiven you

I've moved on

why won't you let me be

I just wanted to leave you in my past

I should have known that would never last

I've tried to make things right

reaching out and getting struck down

I can't deal with all your drama around

your ghost is still with me

whispers in my ear

I catch your reflection

don't like what I see

I've forgiven you

I've moved on

why won't you let me be

I never had a choice

I was yours from the start

you didnt choose me

you left me behind

now your memory haunts me

follows like a shadow

tainting my every step

your ghost is still with me

whispers in my ear

I catch your reflection

don't like what I see

I've forgiven you

I've moved on

why won't you let me be

I look in the mirror and see you

your eyes mock me and glare right back

you could have made things different

but decisions were made, the foundation was laid

and now everything I do echoes of you and the mistakes you made

Grateful

I was just laying on my bed with my kitty napping peacefully on my chest thinking (I was thinking- not my cat...well maybe she was thinking too but probably was thinking about things like fish, and hairballs and stuff...so not the same stuff I was thinking about). While I stroked her soft fur, I felt such a strong wave of emotion come over me...again...it has been a tearful day, but in a good way I suppose... I still hate crying though.

There are many things to be thankful for on this wonderful Christmas Day. Things that I hope to hold close to my heart so that when hard times fall, I am able to grasp onto them and remember what is truly important. First and foremost, the reason we celebrate Christmas. Thank you God for sending your son Jesus to be born into this world so that He could be our Savior.

I am also deeply appreciative for the people in my life.

I spoke with all of my family members this morning, followed by a short cry after each phone call. To be so loved when so often I feel so unlovely is a powerful thing. The holidays are very nostalgic, and while I am so thankful for this place that feels more like home than I ever thought it would, there are many things that I miss about being close to family. I am grateful, however, that my parents raised me to be the independent person I am, who has the strength and confidence to spread my wings and fly.

God knew that when he moved me to San Clemente that I would need family. I am like water; strong enough to hold up a ship, but fragile enough to slip thru the fingers. I am aware of my need for love...not a big surprise for those of you who know me well. At the end of a day I can tell if I haven't been hugged enough, and so the sarcastic question of, "Does someone need a hug?" actually applies to me.

God provides. I was raised with a wonderful family with whom I still have strong and unique relationships with. Nothing will, or ever could, replace them. However, last night I was with family...maybe not by blood, but it might as well be. My precious friends whom God provided for me and the Boo are such a blessing to me. They have graced many of my blogs because of the great impact that they have had, and continue to have, in my life. All five of them are incredible individuals and for them I am so thankful.

Truly my life is rich. The people in my life make me rich. They are my gifts and treasures, my pride and joy, my silver and gold. To be surrounded by those who love you is a beautiful thing, and nothing brings me more to life than to see those around me happy and joyful. Be a blessing to those around you this season. Hold them close to you, express your love to them, and leave nothing left unsaid.

Merry Christmas my friends. May love, peace, hope, and strength be the things that cross your threshold.

Finished

How many times have those words left your lips
too many fall victim to your lies
you dont think before you speak
you dont know the damage you do
or you do and you just dont care


I've been stuck like glue to you for too long
lettin' it go, adjusting my flow
turnin' that page
watch me go boy, you know you like it
but this time I aint coming back

Wiping my hands clean of you
gettin' that dirt off my shoulder
I'ma smack that look off your face
you'll keep falling but I'll keep thriving
I'm finished with you


You think you're so don juan
but you're more like dirty sanchez
you're so vain you think it's always bout you
didn't you hear that your stuff is to the left?
you're so replacable

Wiping my hands clean of you
gettin' that dirt off my shoulder
I'ma smack that look off your face
you'll keep falling but I'll keep thriving
I'm finished with you


you say I'm the one who was wrong
don't call me a hoe when you're such a rake
mistakes were made and the price was paid
do you want to be the pot or the kettle?

Wiping my hands clean of you
gettin' that dirt off my shoulder
I'ma smack that look off your face
you'll keep falling but I'll keep thriving
I'm finished with you

na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na
Hey hey hey
Good bye
I'm finished with you

na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na
hey hey hey
Good bye
El fin

Uninspired

The feelings in my heart are so hard to describe. I have sat down to write several times and with a frustrated sigh would close the laptop and walk away... either not finding the words to say or just feeling generally uninspired as to what to write about.

A sadness cages my heart. I laugh, and have fun, and for the most part fall into my casual, easy-going demeanor, but I can't deny that there is something hovering in the background. Like a pinched nerve, it doesn't always hurt, but when you move a certain way, it can send incapacitating pain throughout your body.

Maybe in the midst of everything that's been happening I failed to recognize that my heart is broken.

I feel like I have been let down deeply by a friend. When you trust and love someone, you don't expect them to hurt you (stating the obvious), thus making yourself even more vulnerable to the possible blow. After promises have been broken, tears have been shed, and apologies are left unspoken, my heart aches and bleeds. I stood by and watched my friend cut me deeply, and continued to just watch as it got infected and festered. Instead of this friend allowing the wound to heal, they continue to reopen it with their silence and cowardice and now I fear that it will leave a scar.

Perhaps I am being harsh or unreasonable, but if you claim to love somone, how can you uphold a callous attitude toward them when they are clearly hurting? I have reached out multiple times to my friend, trying to reach common ground. I have expressed feeling disrespected, lied to, and hurt, only to be ignored and cast aside. Their apathy for my feelings frustrates and saddens me.

I don't really know where to go from here. Many might say cut your losses and move on, but I love my friend and am unwilling to let that be the outcome. I think part of me hopes that they may read this and be prompted to extend themselves... which is, in and of itself, opening myself up only to be hurt and disappointed yet again.

I believe in fighting for things that you want. I want our friendship. But friendship is a meeting in the middle, and right now I am standing in the middle, confused and aggrieved, hoping, perhaps futilely, that my friend will meet me there.

My friend has left me uninspired.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm stubborn

I'm sorry I get distracted

I'm selfish and opinionated

I know I'm a handful

Sometimes I get insecure and paranoid,

and I'm oh so sorry

This is me, take it or leave it,

my love will leave you beggin' for more

don't deny these things

lay out the welcome mat for my many apologies

I'm sorry I'm so controlling

and I never take you seriously

I'm sorry I laugh too loud and

I wear my heart on my sleeve

I'm sorry I can be sensitive

and I can be oh so hardheaded...and hardhearted

This is me, take it or leave it,

my love will leave you beggin' for more

don't deny these things

lay out the welcome mat for my many apologies

I'm sorry for my addictions

I'm flawed and filled with imperfections

I'm checking bags and

I'm never satisfied

I'm sorry I'm never wrong

and that it's always your fault

This is me, take it or leave it,

my love will leave you beggin' for more

don't deny these things

lay out the welcome mat for my many apologies

The love I'll give you will be worth it, you'll see

I'll stand by your side, make you feel like the man that you are

like the man you want to be

I'm sorry but this is me...

Take it or leave it baby, cause this is me

Honesty...really

On Thanksgiving (which btw was AWESOME!) whilst having a particularly... ummm... brutal conversation, I exclaimed, "That's mean!" The response I received, was merely, "No, it's honest, and honesty is the best policy. Isn't it?" I agreed, while making several amendments in my head, as I tend to be quite open and honest about things that I am thinking and feeling... but then that begs the question... is honesty ALWAYS the best policy?

I don't think that anyone would disagree that honesty is a valued quality in a person. But in relationships, whether it be a friendship, a significant other, a family member, a coworker, there are certain situations where baring all, so to speak, can be tricky. I think that the key is normally handling honesty with a bit of tact (or a LOT of tact).

I think where I struggle with honesty is that sometimes just because it is honest, doesn't mean that it should be shared. There are many things that go thru my head and I try to filter myself as best as possible (I know, I know... my filter has very large holes). I have the hardest time holding my tongue if I feel like my toes have been stepped on, or my feelings have been hurt... or if I am mad... or if I am frustrated... or if I am confused... ok... so there are a myriad of situations where this may apply, but the same principle applies to each situation. There is a vulnerability in being honest, and some people are not to be trusted with our deepest emotions. I have learned this throughout the years having some of my most intimate convictions be tread on and thrown to the metaphorical wolves.

Maybe it is a girl thing, or maybe a personality thing (please someone tell me that they are like this too!), but when I am feeling hurt, I want to get EVERYTHING out of my system. It's like word vomit (thanks, Mean Girls), whether I like it or not, it's coming out. But now I try to be better about who I word vomit to... a trusted friend (puzzle pieces unite!) is often mine. She is my voice of reason and I can tell her anything. She sees the ugliest parts of my heart, but she doesn't judge, instead she loves and accepts me as a whole. She hears it all tho, and it allows me that outlet without having to vent directly to the person responsible (or who I feel is responsible) for how I feel.

Regrettably, I know that my big mouth (still working on that finer filter), in an effort to be honest, has hurt many and I have to live with that. All I can do is continue to walk that tightrope, trying to be honest, but not hurt myself or others in the process.

Clear as mud, eh?

Square One

Falling back

Wondering how I got here

Seeing the old, feeling the cold

it feels so natural to be back here, but I know its not where I belong

I'm my own worst enemy

Pieces of time, falling together

just cause it's easy don't make it right

delusion, confusion, illusion

all lead me back here

back to square one

Mistakes but not regrets

memories I'll always have

forever part of my heart, always part of my life

pain will fade to gray till only love remains

Pieces of time, falling together

just cause it's easy don't make it right

delusion, confusion, illusion

all lead me back here

back to square one

This place feels familiar

Dim the lights on this reality

wishing things were different when I'm here

when will I finally have the strength to move on

Pieces of time, falling together

just cause it's easy don't make it right

delusion, confusion, illusion

all lead me back here

back to square one

It's time to move on

Relieved... I think

As many, or most, of you know, the Boo and I received the wonderful news that his scans came back negative (which is positive) and that the cancer is gone. With a giant, shuddering breath I lift my eyes to Heaven and thank the Lord for this incredible blessing. Cue the happy music, the bright lights, the optimism and hope, and the storybook ending, right?

Hmmm....

Still waiting.

How frustrating (haha- that rhymes).

I know that I can't expect everything to snap back into place instantly, but I thought that at the very least I would feel peace, relief, and hope to flood every part of me. That I would be ready to turn the page and start anew; a rebirth, a fresh start.

Then why am I still staring at the same, damn page?

It is not a page of fear or even of cancer... it is this ugly page that has become my life (whoa dramatic)... perhaps even a picture of how I see myself. It's like trying to live a life you've forgotten. I can't clearly remember the cadence of my life prior to August. I know that there was an easy flow, a natural rhythm; a thumping bass that coursed thru my veins. That melody is gone.

But the beat is still in me. I can feel it. It's like an undercurrent pulling me along, supplying the undertones to my life that I am barely aware of. But I can already tell that it is different... the melody... it isn't the same. Not in a bad way, but in the same way that you hear a song that you LOVED in high school, but now realize that maybe wasn't so cool (MMM-Bop, anyone?). Not saying that it wasn't a good song in it's time (well, to be clear, in the case of MMM-Bop, it really never was a good song) but that your tastes have changed.

The melody of my past will always carry a heavy nostalgic quality, but it is not the song of my future. Over the next couple of months, years, or however long it takes, I am looking forward to writing the new song... the new melody of my life.

Heartache

Draw close to me, put me back under your spell

I love getting lost in those brown eyes

but just like that you hurt me, push me away,

and forget me

I try to leave, but then I miss you

I just want to be in your arms and kiss you

Boy, you're nothing but heartache

what has begun can't be undone

but where we are, there aint no freedom

touch me, hold me, kiss me, it feels so right

but I know its wrong

you say you love me, and I want to believe

but you've got me twisted and on my knees

Boy, you're nothing but heartache

what has begun can't be undone

but where we are, there aint no freedom

you have to let me go

holding on hurts too much

there aint nothing for us but heartache

when we let go we'll find our freedom

Complete?

As many of you know our journey with the chemo therapy is currently complete. This morning the Boo had his PET and CAT scans which will reveal whether or not the cancer is gone. The technicians said that we would hear back Monday or Tuesday the results of the test.

So here we are.

Feeling like we are at the end of this journey but still awaiting final peace to roll into our lives. These last couple of months have worn us... well... I won't speak for the Boo... me down. In the beginning is was easy to find hope, peace, and strength; but as time wore on those things began to slowly give way to fear, doubt, and insecurity.

The waiting is the worst.

At this point I know that I do not have the strength within me to feel like I KNOW that the cancer is gone. Whereas I feel like it is gone, I can't fully believe it is, in the odd chance that it isn't (make sense?). If the scans were to reveal that the cancer is still prevalent, and I had already taken hold of KNOWING that it was gone, I would reach a new low and would be completely broken.

Concerning this matter, I hope what I have is to be one last request of you.

As I know that many of you who read this have been praying for me and Billy, I would ask that you would specifically pray that his scans would come back negative for cancer, and that regardless of the results, He would fill us with His strength so that we are able to handle whatever comes next in our lives.

Thank you all for your love and support. I know that we, as well as you, hope that this chapter is to be over in our lives soon.

Love ya kiddos!

Cute Dentist Precaution

It should be a law that when people, well in my specific case, MEN, are applying to dental school, that a photograph be submitted and reviewed by a panel. This panel would decide if the person is indeed "too attractive" to be a dentist.

Before people freak out on me and talk about how I am being prejudiced and short sighted- let me explain.

I had the pleasure of going to the dentist this morning (clean bill of health you'll be happy to know). My dentist is is great. He is nice, personable, professional... and also handsome. Now I am a married woman, and I am not(let me repeat, NOT) attracted to him, but there is something about having someone who is attractive looking at you intently while you are... well... not quite looking your best.

There are many things that are not appealing about dentist appointment: the wide open mouth, the pooling spit, the scraping of plaque off your teeth, the prodding at your gums with sharp objects, and, my personal favorite, trying to answer his polite questions while his fingers are in your mouth... not exactly ideal conditions. With me you also get the lovely accommodation of being beet red in the face the whole time.

I never realized how embarrassing this situation is because, well... all of my dentists prior to this were either female, balding, or significantly older. Maybe other people are more mature and well adjusted than I am so they are not affected by something like this, but I wanted to throw this out there to see if anyone else ever felt this way.

Anyone... ANYONE?????

Last

Tomorrow is the Boo's last chemo session. Strange how this just started in August, but I can't seem to remember anything outside of chemo-therapy. My life prior to it is a dim haze. Needless to say I am very much looking forward to this all being over and, God willing, soon it will be.

It is often in our valleys that we face who we really are. When push comes to shove, what surfaces? I must admit that over these last couple of months I have seen shades of me that I didn't think existed, and I am now working tirelessly so that they never again see the light of day. Not burying them, but eradicating them from my life.

Thank you all so much for your love, support and prayers through this difficult time.

Fool

In your arms I felt safe to stay

safe to play, safe to make my own way

to your bed I gladly went, led by your hand,

I thought I could trust.

I looked in your eyes, I'd met my match

never knew how wrong I was.

how quickly I've been cast aside,

I thought I meant more than that.

[chorus]

now I've played the fool

your words are nothing but smoke and mirrors

I wish you'd be the man I thought you were

but I'm the fool being left behind

Anger rises like the tide, shame takes over my soul

there's no shower to wash me clean

you've left me stained for all to see

[chorus]

how many will it take before I learn

how many times will I have to burn

i want to laugh and I want to love

but you've taken that too

[chorus]

you've taken it all

but I'll rise again

can't say the same for you

P.S.: Before I get tons of crazy messages just remember that as a writer I can write about my experiences as well as other people's... and that when I write about one thing, it may actually be about something else. Cheers! :)

Earthly Angels

Remember that part in the beginning of Cliffhanger where Stallone is going across that rope in the mountains and the girl falls? He is just holding her hand, her only chance of survival, her one lifeline ... and then of course he drops her...

My Angels would never let me fall.

Last night my blog started like this...

"To say that I am not doing so hot would be an understatement. My heart aches for so many reasons, and there are times when every breath feels like work. I look in the mirror and I wonder where that girl went... the girl who was so happy and carefree... the girl who was the first to laugh and the last to stop... the girl who could find reason and a silver-lining in all situations. She has apparently taken a hiatus of some sort, because the girl who stares back at me is not even a shadow of who I normally am.

The girl in the mirror looks sad, empty and desolate. I feel like I have been "jack o' lanterned" (yes, I just made that a verb), hollowed out and scooped dry (and with no toasted pumpkin seeds to look forward to!). I stick my tongue out at this girl (of course, she does it back) to show my distaste for her."

After typing that I sat staring at the screen not knowing how to proceed, and unwilling to reveal the darkest parts of my heart. Tears threatened my eyes and I blinked them back furiously. Not that the people I was with would have cared, in fact, they may have been relieved that at least I am allowing them to see partly through the shroud which has surrounded me for the last two weeks. But instead, I slide into an easy joking manner and we enjoy our favorite reality TV show.

Normally, this is why I love coming over Sunday nights; I LOVE the company, I love the show, and we laugh at (watermelon to the FACE!) and playfully berate the various teams. But tonight I have come for a deeper reason; I need to see my Angels. They are not yet home (they are actually at church, worshiping God as good Angels do) and I feel like if I don't see them soon that my heart will physically break into pieces.

Then they get home.

It's quite onerous to describe how I felt when I saw them without being completely cheeseball about it. But I guess it is what it is (something I have been saying a lot lately) and feel free to judge me all you want. :P

It was a physical release. Like a tight cord that had been binding me suddenly burst and I was free again. I gave them both hugs and already in my heart I knew that I was going to be ok. We didn't begin talking right away, but the amount of ease that I already felt was powerful. We began talking (after the Mother/Daughter team got voted off), and as I shared the gritty, nastiness of where I am right now, they were able to share wisdom, compassion, healing, and grace upon my tattered soul.

When I had arrived I felt frail, powerless, and hopeless. I left feeling faithful, committed, and strong; determination and hard resolve had arrived.

I share this for many reasons. (A) to be real about where I am at with ya'll, (B) to honor my precious friends whom I will never be able to thank enough, and (C) to encourage all of you who probably play the role of angels in your friends lives.

If you were to ask my beloved Angels what makes them so special, they would probably shrug and say, "Nothing." And therein lies the secret. My friends feel like they were merely being there for me, holding my hand and pulling me out of the proverbial mud. They don't realize that on some level they have saved my life.

I hope that as you have read this, you have thought of your own angels, and I hope that you reach out to them and let them know how they have touched your life. And on the flip side, I hope that you realize that you may very well be someone's angel and that when a time of need comes, you won't hesitate, but you will step in and be the friend that they need you to be.

My friends ( you know who you are!), I pray that God would bless you immensely. I pray this every day anyway, but as I reflect upon the gift that you gave me last night, it brings tears of gratitude to my eyes. There are not words to convey what you mean to me, and I know that knowing you has irreversibly transformed my life forever. You are part of my heart, and I love you both so dearly.

The Beach

Lately I have been going on walks... sometimes it starts with a phone date or I just feel like walking. But whenever I walk, my brain switches to auto pilot and I find myself heading to the same spot at the beach- by the pier either on the picnic benches, the swings, or in that vicinity (depending on if there are other people about).

I recently had a friend ask me, "What is it with you and your late night walks?" and so I told him that it started a long time ago with running late at night when I was upset or needed to burn off steam. But now, living so close to the beach, I just walk to the beach and stare out at the ocean. It allows me to clear my head and think.

What I failed to mention is that sometimes I go on these late night trysts alone so that I can cry. I HATE crying. And I don't mean the crying that probably most of you have seen me do where a few tears silently roll down my cheeks. I mean shoulder wracking, heart wrenching, loud sobbing, snotty nose, UGLY crying.

Depressing, huh?

I don't mean it to be.

The beach has become my therapist, where the moon observes, the waves offer their solace, and the breeze wraps its arms around me. I can't quite explain it, but lately I have felt so isolated and lonely, and unable to reach out to those who I know love me.

Tonight was such a night where I decided to walk and chat with my sister, filled my coffee tumbler with red wine, slipped on my rainbows (flip flops for those of you who are unfortunate enough to NOT know what "rainbows" are) and headed down to the beach. We chatted for about an hour and after we got off the phone I sat at the beach for about another hour.

I always start by fighting it, rationalizing in my head that things are really ok, that I have my faith and my hope and so I don't need to feel sad. Sad Holly doesn't like when Rational Holly comes out to play because then Sad Holly doesn't get to make her appearance. Sad Holly normally resolves to bring along her pal Insecurity to get Rational Holly to go away. And it works, Insecurity chases all rationale off the beach and I am left alone with my sadness and insecurities. And I cry. Often weeping for things that are not quite tangible to me, but the tears flow.

After I have been crying for awhile, Rational Holly recruits Hopeful Holly and Happy Holly; they slowly approach me, wondering from afar if I'm ready. The first wry smile appears on my lips as I think about how stupid I must look, and am at once thankful for the cover of darkness. With a bark of laughter at how silly I feel, the three break into a trot and come quickly up to me, shooing away Sad Holly and Insecurity, knowing that if they don't they could miss their window of opportunity. Hopeful Holly looks deep into my eyes, restoring my vision. Happy Holly does her best to make light of the situation, cracking inappropriate jokes. Rational Holly takes my hand and pulls me off the bench. "Go to bed," she says.

So I do.

One Day at a Time

Where to start... God is good... we'll start there.

Within a day... scratch that... HOURS of writing my last blog I felt so deeply encouraged by the Lord. I took a long walk on the beach that night (which, by the way is sorta creepy when you are by yourself at 10 pm) and just listened to the water. I love the sound of the waves crashing. That probably sounds poetically cheesy, but I do love it. I think its mysterious, powerful, and romantic. I stood there alone on the beach, facing the ocean (with the breeze in my hair... book cover in the making, no? But I wasn't in a dress that bared too much cleavage, or ripped up to my thigh, and Fabio wasn't lurking in the background) and I was aware of just a few things, but the main thought was just a simple, "It's ok." Astonishing and profound I know. Between reflecting and furtively looking over my shoulder (STRANGER DANGER) I felt like I was ready to start hearing the encouragement that I knew friends and family were waiting to give me.

And yes, you heard (read?) me correctly- I was ready to hear encouragement. Tuesday I was not in a place for such a thing. Ie when the Hubs so gently tried to lift my spirits I flippin' flipped out on him. God bless him... I can be so terrible sometimes! :) But that's where I was, and if there is one thing you can count on is that I am honest and I will tell you AAAAAALLLLL about it should you not tread so lightly... (maybe that's something I should work on?) Tuesday night I wanted to cry and to be sad and I didn't want to be happy. But by about midnight that night, I was ready.

The next day I had a good conversation with a dear friend from work (PUZZLE PIECE!) and she had some great input. She first reminded me that I have plenty of time, and then she also reminded me that once I have kids, I will have them FOREVER. This fact, stated so succinctly, has clearly been known to me as I don't plan on shucking my kids a few years after I have them, but it got me thinking. With this fresh in my mind, I am still ready to have my family, but instead of longing for the future, have embraced my current freedom. Because, let's face it, once you have kids your life is never the same. Granted, children could quite possibly be the greatest blessing you will ever receive (other than Jesus- don't get all technical on me people!), but your life does change and having kids is not reversible (are you all horrifically scared for my children, now?).

Just one day at a time... that's where I am. Waking up everyday, living in the moment, and trying desperately (and failing sometimes too) to live my life for God.

Mourning

Before I continue to write today's blog, I want to add a preface... probably a preface that will seem unfair to some of my readers.

I write this blog as openly and honestly as I can; revealing corners of my heart which rarely see the light of day. In writing it I am aware that I invite you all into my personal life. Here is my request: Please do not talk to me about what you read here. Please feel free to comment as you wish, but understand that sometimes what I write here, is difficult for me to talk about, and that is why I write. Writing comes as easily and naturally to me as breathing, and therefore when my life takes a tumultuous turn, I quickly turn to writing as an outlet.

I do apologize if this offends anyone because that is not my intention. I merely say it to guard my heart, and to perhaps save you from a rather uncomfortable conversation that may dissolve me into tears and snot. :) Onto the blog...

Mourning... everyone does it differently.

This past week we got some of the best news we could ask for; Billy's chemotherapy has been very successful and the cancer is being eradicated from his body. Billy had a follow-up appointment with the doctor to discuss what exactly this meant as far as the rest of his treatment went, and he will finish his chemo but then will most likely go into remission. I was elated, and then Billy told me something else that his doctor said.

I had asked Billy to see when we would be able to start trying for kids again, trusting that he won't be infertile, and the doctor said that ideally we should wait a year from the end of his chemotherapy... so November 2011 we can start trying.

I was crushed.

Many of you don't know that I have been yearning to be a mom for the past two years, and just last November Billy told me that we could start trying. Then in March he was diagnosed with cancer and all baby plans were put on hold. I know to read this, unless you have been in my place, my situation seems small and insignificant.

Has your heart ever been so focused on something that everything else seemed like an unnecessary distraction? That is what mommy-hood means to me. To convey what I'm feeling, would be to convey a broken heart. I feel crushed, downtrodden, and so frustrated. I feel like I am standing on a cliff face, staring down at my future, and there is no way to reach it. Just standing there, utterly bewildered at how I am ever going to get there.

The other part of a broken heart is that incredible sense of loss. Physically I never had anything to lose, but I did lose the vision of me holding my baby next fall, celebrating my baby's first holiday season... These are the things I mourn. I mourn for my aching heart that is so resolutely living in my future.

So I cry... that's how I mourn. I don't get angry, I just feel sad. And eventually the peace and truth of God will wash over me and I will accept that my life is exactly where God wants it to be right now. So you see, in my mourning my faith is not lost... I know that my God is a good God. He has a plan for my future, has perfect timing, and loves me more than I will ever know. Right now I pray, and cry, and pray, and cry some more, all the time knowing that God is moving, and that God fulfills his promises.

One day, one perfect day, I will be with my children and I will understand why it was necessary for me to be in this place at this time.

And on that perfect day, God is going to teach me to base jump and I will jump off that cliff and plummet into my future.

Lately

I can without a doubt count myself a blessed person. This might seem a strange statement from someone whose husband just started chemo therapy this week.

The Boo's chemo schedule is that he does five days in a row, then gets two weeks off. Tomorrow he will complete his first week of chemo and is very happy to embrace the two weeks that will follow. We have felt very strong, optimistic, and faithful all week.

Thus far we have been lucky that the side effects of the therapy have been minimal. His first ones I actually laughed at a little... it was the hiccups. Today the nurse didn't give him one of his medications to see if that would help the hiccups, and unfortunately he is feeling a bit off this evening. Nothing too serious, but very tired and just not feeling like himself. He is currently passed out on the couch, with our small gray kitty, Lizzie, snuggled up next to him. I am just thankful that he is getting some rest.

When I got home today, after having a rough day myself, and seeing that Billy wasn't feeling too well, my heart broke, and I began to cry. I could feel myself falling into Despair's hands. Then Billy opened his mouth and began to pray aloud. I can't remember what he said. And you know, it doesn't really matter. But God moved, and when he finished praying I found myself able to laugh and smile. Hope had filled my heart, and God's promises were fresh in my mind.

It was a good reminder that the enemy loves when we are down, and he doesn't hesitate to kick us while we're there.

As this week draws to a close, my eyes have been opened to see the blessings that surround me more than ever before. Like the watchful shepherd, my heavenly Father has led me to green pastures and still waters.

Your prayers are as precious as gold; they hold us together and carry us on.

Blessed, so very blessed are we ... to say those words while facing an adversary is strange.

God works everything to my good. Also strange, but also true.

Carnitas Revisited

Well... last week I tried my hand at carnitas and I was pleased. But I started thinking about how easy it was and how much better I could probably get them to taste had I put a little more effort into them...

The search was on. Turns out when you type "Best carnitas recipe,"" into Google that it pulls up A LOT! But one of them caught my eye and I decided to try it.

INGREDIENTS:

4-5 lb. Pork shoulder roast
Dried Thyme, Salt, and Pepper (to taste)
six garlic cloves cut in half
1/2 cup milk

First you want to cut about a dozen small slits into the roast and push the garlic cloves into them. Then rub the roast with the thyme, salt, and pepper. Then it all comes back to the trusty crock pot--- plop that roast right in. Then you just plug in the crock pot, turn it on low, and put some water in the crock pot. How much water depends on the size of crock pot, but put enough in that the roast is at least 3/4 covered in water.

I left for work at this time, so the roast cooked for about 11 hours... but obviously it was probably done way earlier than that, so feel free to cook it for less.

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Remove the roast from the crock pot and discard the fat, and shred the meat- placing all the meat in a roasting pan, or you can use a metal 9 x 11 inch cake pan (that's what I used- my roasting pan is SO HUGE and I don't really care to work with it much). Drizzle the meat with the 1/2 cup milk and stir meat so that it all gets coated and place in the preheated oven.

Now, get a sauce pan and strain the remaining juices from the crockpot into the sauce pan. Bring the liquid to a boil. The recipe stated to reduce it down to about 2 cups (this will take a varied amount of time, depending on how much water you added, but probably about 45 minutes). I ended up reducing mine to probably about 1 cup, and it made it a bit thicker, which I liked. This will be poured over the meat at a later time. Feel free to skim off any extra fat that might form during the reduction process.

Every 10 minutes or so check the meat and give it a stir. You will keep cooking it until the meat is lightly browned and no milk is on the bottom of the pan. When you stir it, be sure to stir in the drippings that are sticking to the bottom of the pan- they are loaded with flavor. This process takes about 40 - 60 minutes, depending on your pan and oven. If you find that your oven tends to cook fast or hot, then adjust the temperature a little lower, you want it to brown slowly.

After the meat is browned, and your reduction is ready, drizzle about 1 cup of the reduction over the meat, stir, and place back into the oven to cook for about 15 more minutes, checking and stirring at around 10 minutes.

When it's done it should be nice and brown, with some edges being a bit crispy. Serve with your fave taco toppings (fresh chopped onion, tomato, cilantro, avocado, cheese, sour cream, etc.) on a corn tortilla and you've got yourself a DELISH dinner.

This recipe was INCREDIBLE and it is so worth the extra time to cook it. What I loved about this recipe was that as long as you had the milk then it didn't really require any extra ingredients since you just use the juice from the crockpot. The meat is still tender and juicy, but with some of the crispy edges... wow... tastebuds rejoice. Just remember not to rush it, that is the key to this one I think. With a little patience it is easily duplicatable (not sure that's a word!).

Until next time- cook on cookin' cuppies!

Pork Carnitas!

Whenever I wanted GOOOOOOD pork carnitas tacos I felt like I had to go out--- NOT ANYMORE!!! As I said in the corned beef entry, I was going to make good use of my crockpot. Weeellllllll... I went to Stater Bros. (who have the best priced meat!) and picked up a pound of pork shoulder strips (99 cents a pound baby!). So I rub them with pressed garlic and then plopped them into the crockpot with about a cup of salsa(my homemade "Holl-sa", my friend dubbed it). I turned the crockpot on high for two hours and then switched it to low for another two hours. Then I removed the pork, shredded it, and PRESTO- I had pork carnitas!

This was so incredibly easy it made me feel stupid for not making it before. The meat turned out juicy and tender and now I am so excited to experiment a bit with flavors (and different types of meat!). This recipe was made to be played with, so play with it, adding spice and flavors that suit you. Also, try different meats as well, as most would work, just remember that tough meat needs to cook long and slow to come out tender.

Even though the pork turned out great, next time I am going to cook it on low the whole time, and just let it cook longer. The key to making the meat great is allowing it to cook slowly and allow the flavors you are cooking with to slowly marinate the meat.

This recipe discovery really excites me (and the husband) because on those days where I could be working late, I know that all I need is about 5 minutes in the morning before work to get this going, and then it will be all ready by the time I get home (obviously just make sure to keep it on low when cooking for this long... it would be such a bummer to come home tired to dry, icky meat!).

Pull out your crockpot and EAT UP! Keep on cookin' cupcakes!

Speed Bump Revisited

On Tuesday we received some of the best news we could ask for- the CAT scan results of the Boo's chest and abdomen came back negative, showing no signs that the cancer had spread. We rejoiced and praised God for bringing us thru this ordeal and I couldn't help but feel like this was going to be a speed bump in the road of life that we were quickly leaving behind and, quite frankly, not a moment too soon.

Today was his follow-up appointment where we discuss what, if anything, happens next. The doctor explained that while no cancer showing in the CAT scan is promising, does not mean that the Boo is cancer free. Apparently some cancer may not show up, so there are still a certain amount of measures we now need to take. Also, the doctor discussed the pathology report which revealed(and I quote) that lymphovascular invasion was present, and that the tumor was 5% classic seminoma, and 95% embryonal carcinoma. LAYMAN'S TERMS: there is probably still cancer in his body but at this time it is inconclusive.

We are now waiting for confirmation on when the Boo will go see the oncologist and we will then decide to do chemo, surgery (to remove lymphatic tissue that the cancer could have spread to), or observation. No decisions have been made, we are waiting... praying... listening... waiting.

I feel like I am now glaring into my rear-view mirror, watching in disbelief as somehow my life pulls a 360. The speed bump is now before me, but this time seems bigger. For now we retreat, to plan and prepare, but it better know that we are fighters, and when we come back, we're coming with a bull dozer.

Thanks for your love and prayers... they are everything.

Corned Beef Brisket ma' laddies

No--- I am not Irish--- but in honor of St. Patrick's Day and seeing as I have NEVER eaten any of the "traditional" Irish dishes I have decided to make corned beef and cabbage... well and potatoes and onion and carrots... everything else that goes in the crock pot. Read on for the recipe...

INGREDIENTS:

8 lbs. flat cut Corned Beef (you could get point cut also- but I used the flat)

Five gold potatoes cut into quarters

One medium white onion cut in half

3 cloves of garlic

Two cups baby carrots

One head of cabbage cut in quarters

12 oz. Guinness beer (you could use another similar beer, and you may need more depending on how big your crockpot is-it just needs to be enough to mostly cover the meat- it is always ok to buy extra beer tho!)

The crock pot is quickly becoming my best friend in the new recipe issue, especially considering how busy life has been lately. It makes cooking so easy! This is how I made the brisket...

I put the brisket in the bottom of the crockpot, poured in the little seasoning packet that came with it, and crushed the garlic on top. Then I poured the beer over that. Then I put in the potatoes, onion, carrots, finishing with the cabbage on very top.

NOW all you have to do is plug in the crockpot, turn it on low, and LEAVE! I did this at 7 in the morning, left for work, and then came home at 6 and it was ALL ready. Ideally it wouldn't have cooked this long- it really only needs somewhere between 6 and 8 hours. The potatoes were a bit overdone but otherwise it turned out pretty good.

Seeing as I have never had corned beef before, I had no idea what to expect. It is pretty good, nothing that I would order all the time, but still good. What I REALLY loved was the carrots... but I have always really liked cooked carrots, but the broth that is created as it cooks all day long was SOOOO... good! It sorta tasted like au jus (the stuff that comes with a french dip... feel free to correct my spelling) but BETTER.

I think the best part about this recipe was the leftovers! I made Billy a sandwich with some of the leftover meat in Hawaiian wheat rolls with mozzarella cheese and it was quite scrumptious.

Whereas it wasn't quite the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me, maybe it will be for someone else. Keep on cookin' cuppies

Linguine Carbonara

Ingredients

• 4 ounces uncooked linguine
• 1/2 cup 1% low-fat milk
• 3 tablespoons grated fresh Parmesan cheese
• 1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• Cooking spray
• 1/3 cup chopped pancetta (about 1 1/2 ounces)
• 1/4 cup finely chopped onion
• 1 garlic clove, minced
• 1 large egg

Preparation

1. Cook pasta according to the package directions, omitting salt and fat. Drain pasta in a colander over a bowl, reserving 1/4 cup cooking liquid.

2. Combine milk and next 4 ingredients (through pepper) in a small bowl; set milk mixture aside.

3. Heat a medium nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Coat pan with cooking spray. Add pancetta to pan; sauté 3 minutes or until lightly browned. Add onion and garlic to pan; sauté 3 minutes or until onion is lightly browned. Reduce heat to medium-low. Add milk mixture and pasta to pan; toss gently to coat.

4. Place egg in a small bowl; stir with a whisk. Gradually add 1/4 cup reserved hot cooking liquid, stirring constantly with a whisk. Gradually add egg mixture to pan, stirring constantly; cook 4 minutes or until sauce is thick and creamy.

This recipe is a MUST TRY!!! It is so tasty and fairly easy to make too. The pancetta is really good, but can be a bit spendy so regular bacon, prosciutto, or something similar can be used in its place if desired. The pancetta is really the only pricey thing about this recipe tho, so if you can spare it, I wouldn't substitute it out.

The above recipe is for two servings and is only 387 calories per serving! It is filling and with a salad it is more than enough food- even for my boo which you guys know can EAT!!!!

Love you all--- keep on cookin' cuppies!

Send it Up

On Wednesday, a mere three days ago, I told a friend what my weekend plans consisted of:

1. visiting a friend in Santa Barbara
2. leader's meeting for church
3. deep clean the garage
4. church (Meal together week- YUM!)

It is now Saturday morning and we are just awaiting a phone call. The plans that I had made are a distant thought. I sip my coffee, pray, sing with David Crowder (O How He Loves Us and Never Let Go are my faves right now-check it out-they are winners) and pet my sweet kitty, who is so sensitive to my mood and hasn't left my side today.

I don't feel scared...maybe just a little nervous. I don't feel mad or angry. I don't feel confused or frustrated. What I do feel is an enormous amount of peace and love. The outpouring of love and support from our family and friends is vastly overwhelming and a bit humbling, to think that we could be worthy of such great love.

The resounding amount of peace that I feel comes from my Lord and Savior. He is my strength, He is my hope, and He overflows my heart with love. I know that He has us in His hands, and for that reason I have no fear.

We wait for the phone call to know what time the Boo's surgery will be today. But while we wait, we don't fret, we take hold of our God and know He is with us.

Today my husband will have cancer removed from his body, but I am blessed and I know that my God is good.

Beyond the Mask

What is that saying? "When the tough gets going, the going gets tough"... or something to that nature. WTF does that even mean... and if anyone even THINKS about posting what it means in the comments below, I will seriously hunt you down and hurt you...seriously. I obviously get the jist behind it, but I think the saying is stupid. But I guess you could say that lately the tough has been getting going in my life.

When things get tough I struggle with how to handle it sometimes. The dramatic writer longs to play the tortured victim and use the angst in songs and poetry. The competitive athlete strides confidently into the octagon and beckons life to bring it on. The obedient christian kneels in prayer and cries quiet tears. The cheery server who pretends that everything is just fab when really she knows their dinner is going to be AT LEAST 30 more minutes. The truth is... that I lie somewhere in the middle of all of these.

I tend to be rough around the edges, a bit callous, and can definitely come off as insensitive during times of sadness or even grief. Some of you are probably feeling relieved. That the reason I am like that is just to protect myself. Well I am sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but sometimes I am crass, and sometimes I am just bitchy, ok? That is me. But, a mask of a tight jaw and stoic hardness seem to be my first line of defense. During tough times I tend to portray this persona because I think it is preferable to the weepy, dramatic, nay-sayer that exists somewhere deep inside me. She tends to surface during PMS week; you can't miss her.

The server tends to get involved a lot in the work place. At The Bay we called it our "server voice", which typically means that your voice goes up a few octaves higher than God ever intended, and gets so syrupy sweet that even Willy Wonka would be disgusted. But we put on the server voice whenever things were the worst, when we felt like if we even tried to be ourselves just a little in that moment, that it would all come tumbling down. But she definitely has her uses, as she can get the job done and maintain a level of professionalism.

Right now the athlete is in the ring and she is fighting for me. In my weakest moments, pessimism takes over and for a time I am convinced all is lost. The server will step in when the athlete is tired; she is good at pretending. But behind them, is the greatest warrior; the prayer she sends up is what truly keeps me going, is what truly keeps me grounded. She is my water when I'm thirsty, she is my food when I am hungry. She is my fortitude in chaos, she is my resolve under pressure.

Thank you, Lord.

Mini-Spanakopitas

I found this recipe on CookingLight.com and before you shrug it off because it came from a health food website, I would REALLY urge you to try it. I was more than a little surprised by how much flavor these little guys could pack, all the while not breaking the bank or your scale.

Ingredients

• FILLING:
• 1 (10-ounce) package fresh spinach, coarsely chopped
• 1/3 cup (about 1 1/2 ounces) feta cheese, crumbled
• 1/4 cup 1% low-fat cottage cheese
• 2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
• 2 teaspoons olive oil
• 1 1/2 cups chopped green onions
• 1 1/2 tablespoons chopped fresh or 1 1/2 teaspoons dried dill
• 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 2 large egg whites, lightly beaten
• 
  REMAINING INGREDIENTS:
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 large egg white
• 5 sheets frozen phyllo dough, thawed

Preparation

Preheat oven to 350°.

To prepare filling, place spinach in a large skillet or Dutch oven. Place over medium heat; cook until spinach wilts. Place the spinach mixture in a colander, pressing until barely moist. Combine the spinach and cheeses in a bowl; set aside.

Heat 2 teaspoons olive oil in a nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add the green onions; sauté for 2 minutes or until soft. Stir the green onions and the next 5 ingredients (green onions through 2 egg whites) into spinach mixture.

Combine 1 tablespoon olive oil, 1/4 teaspoon salt, and 1 egg white in a small bowl, stirring with a whisk. Working with 1 phyllo sheet at a time, cut each sheet lengthwise into 4 (3 1/2-inch-wide) strips; lightly brush phyllo sheet with egg mixture (cover the remaining phyllo dough to keep it from drying). Spoon about 1 tablespoon spinach mixture onto one end of each strip. Fold one corner of the opposite end over mixture, forming a triangle; keep folding back and forth into a triangle to the end of strip.

Place triangles, seam sides down, on a baking sheet. Bake at 350° for 20 minutes or until golden.

The prep work is a bit time consuming but when you are done it is so worth it. So worth it, in fact, that I plan on making them for a dinner party sometime- I want EVERYONE to get to try these little things. A few notes--- Puff Pastry and Phyllo dough are DIFFERENT THINGS. I made the mistake and came home with puff pastry, quickly realized that it wasn't what I needed and had to go back to the store (I DESPISE going back to the store!). Take your time wrapping them up and SERIOUSLY cover the phyllo dough like it says- they aren't BSing that it dries out pretty fast. I think that's about it --- but seriously try it. It is a bit more challenging than the other recipes I have posted thus far, but they are oh-so-delish.

See ya chefs!

Filet Mignon with Cabernet Balsamic Sauce

As the budget was tight this year for Valentine's Day, we decided to stay in and that I would make dinner at home. There are SO MANY great deals around the holiday and was pleasantly surprised to see Filet Mignon at a decent price (and lobster, but we'll get into that later). I remembered from the good old days at The Bay that I loved the cab-sauce, so I was eager to find a good recipe and give it a go. See below for a pretty simple recipe that uses mostly household ingredients.

Cabernet Balsamic Sauce:

• 3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 1/4 cup red onion, minced
• 1 tablespoon garlic, minced
• 1 cup Cabernet Sauvignon
• 1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
• 2 tablespoons brown sugar

In a medium sauce pan over medium heat, add extra-virgin olive oil and onions and lightly saute until onions are caramelized. Add garlic and cook until garlic begins to turn brown. Deglaze with wine and balsamic vinegar. Add sugar and let simmer and reduce for 20 to 30 minutes until mixture reduces to 3/4 cup. Strain wine mixture and return to heat to reduce for 5 more minutes or until thick syrup is created. Serve with the steaks.

Filet Mignon:

Heat a saute pan on medium-high and coat lightly with nonstick spray and preheat the oven to 350 degrees.Rub both sides of the steaks with salt and pepper to your taste. Sear the steaks for about 2 minutes on each side, and then place in the oven (in an oven safe dish obviously). We left it in the oven for about 8 minutes which made it medium-rare.

We were very pleased with the way that the steaks and sauce came out. The sauce is very flavorful but does not overpower the taste of the good steak, and really blends the two nicely together. We also drank red wine with dinner so it was a delicious combo! I do realize that all my readers are not beef eaters, so I will tell you that I do not recommend this sauce to go on other meats. On fish it would be so gross, and you might be able to pull it off on a pork dish, but it is nothing that I would try. On a buffalo steak or something it would probably be ok, but like I said... probably best just to skip it if you aren't all that into beef.

I did make lobster, but I plan on at some point making a whole lobster and posting that experience on here, so I will save that for another date. Please try it and let me know what you think- I am eager to hear feed back.

Keep on cookin' cuppies!