Beyond the Mask

What is that saying? "When the tough gets going, the going gets tough"... or something to that nature. WTF does that even mean... and if anyone even THINKS about posting what it means in the comments below, I will seriously hunt you down and hurt you...seriously. I obviously get the jist behind it, but I think the saying is stupid. But I guess you could say that lately the tough has been getting going in my life.

When things get tough I struggle with how to handle it sometimes. The dramatic writer longs to play the tortured victim and use the angst in songs and poetry. The competitive athlete strides confidently into the octagon and beckons life to bring it on. The obedient christian kneels in prayer and cries quiet tears. The cheery server who pretends that everything is just fab when really she knows their dinner is going to be AT LEAST 30 more minutes. The truth is... that I lie somewhere in the middle of all of these.

I tend to be rough around the edges, a bit callous, and can definitely come off as insensitive during times of sadness or even grief. Some of you are probably feeling relieved. That the reason I am like that is just to protect myself. Well I am sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but sometimes I am crass, and sometimes I am just bitchy, ok? That is me. But, a mask of a tight jaw and stoic hardness seem to be my first line of defense. During tough times I tend to portray this persona because I think it is preferable to the weepy, dramatic, nay-sayer that exists somewhere deep inside me. She tends to surface during PMS week; you can't miss her.

The server tends to get involved a lot in the work place. At The Bay we called it our "server voice", which typically means that your voice goes up a few octaves higher than God ever intended, and gets so syrupy sweet that even Willy Wonka would be disgusted. But we put on the server voice whenever things were the worst, when we felt like if we even tried to be ourselves just a little in that moment, that it would all come tumbling down. But she definitely has her uses, as she can get the job done and maintain a level of professionalism.

Right now the athlete is in the ring and she is fighting for me. In my weakest moments, pessimism takes over and for a time I am convinced all is lost. The server will step in when the athlete is tired; she is good at pretending. But behind them, is the greatest warrior; the prayer she sends up is what truly keeps me going, is what truly keeps me grounded. She is my water when I'm thirsty, she is my food when I am hungry. She is my fortitude in chaos, she is my resolve under pressure.

Thank you, Lord.