Last

Tomorrow is the Boo's last chemo session. Strange how this just started in August, but I can't seem to remember anything outside of chemo-therapy. My life prior to it is a dim haze. Needless to say I am very much looking forward to this all being over and, God willing, soon it will be.

It is often in our valleys that we face who we really are. When push comes to shove, what surfaces? I must admit that over these last couple of months I have seen shades of me that I didn't think existed, and I am now working tirelessly so that they never again see the light of day. Not burying them, but eradicating them from my life.

Thank you all so much for your love, support and prayers through this difficult time.

Fool

In your arms I felt safe to stay

safe to play, safe to make my own way

to your bed I gladly went, led by your hand,

I thought I could trust.

I looked in your eyes, I'd met my match

never knew how wrong I was.

how quickly I've been cast aside,

I thought I meant more than that.

[chorus]

now I've played the fool

your words are nothing but smoke and mirrors

I wish you'd be the man I thought you were

but I'm the fool being left behind

Anger rises like the tide, shame takes over my soul

there's no shower to wash me clean

you've left me stained for all to see

[chorus]

how many will it take before I learn

how many times will I have to burn

i want to laugh and I want to love

but you've taken that too

[chorus]

you've taken it all

but I'll rise again

can't say the same for you

P.S.: Before I get tons of crazy messages just remember that as a writer I can write about my experiences as well as other people's... and that when I write about one thing, it may actually be about something else. Cheers! :)

Earthly Angels

Remember that part in the beginning of Cliffhanger where Stallone is going across that rope in the mountains and the girl falls? He is just holding her hand, her only chance of survival, her one lifeline ... and then of course he drops her...

My Angels would never let me fall.

Last night my blog started like this...

"To say that I am not doing so hot would be an understatement. My heart aches for so many reasons, and there are times when every breath feels like work. I look in the mirror and I wonder where that girl went... the girl who was so happy and carefree... the girl who was the first to laugh and the last to stop... the girl who could find reason and a silver-lining in all situations. She has apparently taken a hiatus of some sort, because the girl who stares back at me is not even a shadow of who I normally am.

The girl in the mirror looks sad, empty and desolate. I feel like I have been "jack o' lanterned" (yes, I just made that a verb), hollowed out and scooped dry (and with no toasted pumpkin seeds to look forward to!). I stick my tongue out at this girl (of course, she does it back) to show my distaste for her."

After typing that I sat staring at the screen not knowing how to proceed, and unwilling to reveal the darkest parts of my heart. Tears threatened my eyes and I blinked them back furiously. Not that the people I was with would have cared, in fact, they may have been relieved that at least I am allowing them to see partly through the shroud which has surrounded me for the last two weeks. But instead, I slide into an easy joking manner and we enjoy our favorite reality TV show.

Normally, this is why I love coming over Sunday nights; I LOVE the company, I love the show, and we laugh at (watermelon to the FACE!) and playfully berate the various teams. But tonight I have come for a deeper reason; I need to see my Angels. They are not yet home (they are actually at church, worshiping God as good Angels do) and I feel like if I don't see them soon that my heart will physically break into pieces.

Then they get home.

It's quite onerous to describe how I felt when I saw them without being completely cheeseball about it. But I guess it is what it is (something I have been saying a lot lately) and feel free to judge me all you want. :P

It was a physical release. Like a tight cord that had been binding me suddenly burst and I was free again. I gave them both hugs and already in my heart I knew that I was going to be ok. We didn't begin talking right away, but the amount of ease that I already felt was powerful. We began talking (after the Mother/Daughter team got voted off), and as I shared the gritty, nastiness of where I am right now, they were able to share wisdom, compassion, healing, and grace upon my tattered soul.

When I had arrived I felt frail, powerless, and hopeless. I left feeling faithful, committed, and strong; determination and hard resolve had arrived.

I share this for many reasons. (A) to be real about where I am at with ya'll, (B) to honor my precious friends whom I will never be able to thank enough, and (C) to encourage all of you who probably play the role of angels in your friends lives.

If you were to ask my beloved Angels what makes them so special, they would probably shrug and say, "Nothing." And therein lies the secret. My friends feel like they were merely being there for me, holding my hand and pulling me out of the proverbial mud. They don't realize that on some level they have saved my life.

I hope that as you have read this, you have thought of your own angels, and I hope that you reach out to them and let them know how they have touched your life. And on the flip side, I hope that you realize that you may very well be someone's angel and that when a time of need comes, you won't hesitate, but you will step in and be the friend that they need you to be.

My friends ( you know who you are!), I pray that God would bless you immensely. I pray this every day anyway, but as I reflect upon the gift that you gave me last night, it brings tears of gratitude to my eyes. There are not words to convey what you mean to me, and I know that knowing you has irreversibly transformed my life forever. You are part of my heart, and I love you both so dearly.

The Beach

Lately I have been going on walks... sometimes it starts with a phone date or I just feel like walking. But whenever I walk, my brain switches to auto pilot and I find myself heading to the same spot at the beach- by the pier either on the picnic benches, the swings, or in that vicinity (depending on if there are other people about).

I recently had a friend ask me, "What is it with you and your late night walks?" and so I told him that it started a long time ago with running late at night when I was upset or needed to burn off steam. But now, living so close to the beach, I just walk to the beach and stare out at the ocean. It allows me to clear my head and think.

What I failed to mention is that sometimes I go on these late night trysts alone so that I can cry. I HATE crying. And I don't mean the crying that probably most of you have seen me do where a few tears silently roll down my cheeks. I mean shoulder wracking, heart wrenching, loud sobbing, snotty nose, UGLY crying.

Depressing, huh?

I don't mean it to be.

The beach has become my therapist, where the moon observes, the waves offer their solace, and the breeze wraps its arms around me. I can't quite explain it, but lately I have felt so isolated and lonely, and unable to reach out to those who I know love me.

Tonight was such a night where I decided to walk and chat with my sister, filled my coffee tumbler with red wine, slipped on my rainbows (flip flops for those of you who are unfortunate enough to NOT know what "rainbows" are) and headed down to the beach. We chatted for about an hour and after we got off the phone I sat at the beach for about another hour.

I always start by fighting it, rationalizing in my head that things are really ok, that I have my faith and my hope and so I don't need to feel sad. Sad Holly doesn't like when Rational Holly comes out to play because then Sad Holly doesn't get to make her appearance. Sad Holly normally resolves to bring along her pal Insecurity to get Rational Holly to go away. And it works, Insecurity chases all rationale off the beach and I am left alone with my sadness and insecurities. And I cry. Often weeping for things that are not quite tangible to me, but the tears flow.

After I have been crying for awhile, Rational Holly recruits Hopeful Holly and Happy Holly; they slowly approach me, wondering from afar if I'm ready. The first wry smile appears on my lips as I think about how stupid I must look, and am at once thankful for the cover of darkness. With a bark of laughter at how silly I feel, the three break into a trot and come quickly up to me, shooing away Sad Holly and Insecurity, knowing that if they don't they could miss their window of opportunity. Hopeful Holly looks deep into my eyes, restoring my vision. Happy Holly does her best to make light of the situation, cracking inappropriate jokes. Rational Holly takes my hand and pulls me off the bench. "Go to bed," she says.

So I do.