I've recounted several times because part of me just cannot believe it, but sure enough, today, September 19, 2012, is Day 100 of being healthy.
Okay... so truth time... I'm cheating a little bit because I want to post this first thing in the morning and I really don't want to have to write this early in the morning... so I'm actually perched on the floor on Day 100 Eve typing this. However, I have faith that I will make it to the morning.
These last 100 days have been quite the journey but I find myself sitting in a very comfortable place in life. I can say with quite a bit of satisfaction that I barely ever think about the food that I eat anymore. I eat mostly healthy, with the seldom (well occasional... or often...ok ok almost daily) treat. I feel like I have found a healthy balance in life that brings me great joy and peace. I do still have my rough days where I know that I shouldn't indulge in certain items, but I have become disciplined enough to recognize these signs and have learned how to effectively sidestep the pitfalls without being obsessed with them.
To be honest I'm having a hard time thinking of what much else to write. I am incredibly happy and proud of my progress but other than feeling subdued elation I am at a lack of words (shocking, I know). The one lesson that I can say with certainty that I have learned is that it's ok to fail... in fact... getting to this day I have literally failed hundreds (seriously... literally) of times over the years in trying to conquer my eating disorder. And while I sincerely hope that I have seen the last of it, I am not afraid of failing anymore, because I can recognize that each failure played its role in my eventual success.
I feel lame because this post is fairly boring, maybe somewhat anticlimactic, but I guess that's how success is sometimes. You expect it to be this huge mountain topping, fireworks exploding, orgasmic (yup, I went there) release but the truth is that success often rolls in peacefully; emmanating a quiet comfort with each breath you take, and allowing a natural joy to seep out of every pore. As this happens that heavy burden is lifted, and as you are able to unhunch your shoulders, lift your head, and able to set your eyes onto the road before you.
Super cheesy saying (but true so whatevs): it's not how we fall, but how we get back up. To that end, I got nothing more to say except keep kickin' ass and takin' names out there peeps.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Warning Signs
TERRAIN TERRAIN...PULL UP PULL UP
As some of you know I am in the aircraft leasing biz. The phrase above is a standard warning that sounds off in the cockpit of A320's when the aircraft is careening towards the ground... comforting right?
I felt a similar warning go off in my head this morning and my recent feeling of invincibility immediately vanished. Over the last several weeks I've felt great, giving little to no thought of my eating or working out habits and just living a healthy and moderate lifestyle. All this changed when this morning at the gym my coach nonchalantly mentioned, "Hey, before you go today we need to get your measurements." My gut told me that I should avoid this. I avidly support avoiding the scale and going by how my clothes fit and how I feel while I work out. Seeing numbers messes with my head and makes me obsess (yes, I know I sound crazy) but instead of following my intuition I shrugged off the trepidation and thought, "pffttt- I got this."
My overconfidence was quickly blown away by first the number on the scale and second by my body fat %. The numbers themselves are quite irrelevant so they will not be posted here. The fact is that I'm not sure that any number would have been sufficient which therein lies why I typically avoid. I was too upset to provide any sort of poker face and much to my further humiliation felt tears pricking at my eyes.
"Holy eff, Holls... pull yourself together," I thought furiously, and the ominous warning began blaring in my metaphorical cockpit and I could feel myself begin the steep, spiraling descent. I stared at the ground and just tried to quickly gather my things and get the hell out of there, but it was too late. My coach had seen my initial response and was immediately on me like glue.
He gave me a quick pep talk and after reassuring him that I was fine I drove off and immediately began to blast worship music thru my car speakers. I needed food to my soul at that very minute and knew that was the only way I would get it. I was almost to the gym by my work (I go do cardio after crossfit before I go to work) when a txt message popped thru from my coach containing a much needed verse: Philippians 4:11-13.
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance. I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me."
I parked my car and took a deep breath and read the verse again. "I can do this... I can fight and I can win." I have to keep reminding myself that my mind does not always have the right answer... that my demons eagerly whisper lies that are too easy to accept and without resistance they dwell in me and live as truth.
I can happily say that I am now cruising again at a safe altitude, but the fasten seatbelt sign is still lit. Next time I will not ignore the warning signs.
"It's hard to know what can become if you give up.
So don't give up on me, please remind me who I really am.
Everybody's got a dark side."
As some of you know I am in the aircraft leasing biz. The phrase above is a standard warning that sounds off in the cockpit of A320's when the aircraft is careening towards the ground... comforting right?
I felt a similar warning go off in my head this morning and my recent feeling of invincibility immediately vanished. Over the last several weeks I've felt great, giving little to no thought of my eating or working out habits and just living a healthy and moderate lifestyle. All this changed when this morning at the gym my coach nonchalantly mentioned, "Hey, before you go today we need to get your measurements." My gut told me that I should avoid this. I avidly support avoiding the scale and going by how my clothes fit and how I feel while I work out. Seeing numbers messes with my head and makes me obsess (yes, I know I sound crazy) but instead of following my intuition I shrugged off the trepidation and thought, "pffttt- I got this."
My overconfidence was quickly blown away by first the number on the scale and second by my body fat %. The numbers themselves are quite irrelevant so they will not be posted here. The fact is that I'm not sure that any number would have been sufficient which therein lies why I typically avoid. I was too upset to provide any sort of poker face and much to my further humiliation felt tears pricking at my eyes.
"Holy eff, Holls... pull yourself together," I thought furiously, and the ominous warning began blaring in my metaphorical cockpit and I could feel myself begin the steep, spiraling descent. I stared at the ground and just tried to quickly gather my things and get the hell out of there, but it was too late. My coach had seen my initial response and was immediately on me like glue. He gave me a quick pep talk and after reassuring him that I was fine I drove off and immediately began to blast worship music thru my car speakers. I needed food to my soul at that very minute and knew that was the only way I would get it. I was almost to the gym by my work (I go do cardio after crossfit before I go to work) when a txt message popped thru from my coach containing a much needed verse: Philippians 4:11-13.
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance. I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me."
I parked my car and took a deep breath and read the verse again. "I can do this... I can fight and I can win." I have to keep reminding myself that my mind does not always have the right answer... that my demons eagerly whisper lies that are too easy to accept and without resistance they dwell in me and live as truth.
I can happily say that I am now cruising again at a safe altitude, but the fasten seatbelt sign is still lit. Next time I will not ignore the warning signs.
"It's hard to know what can become if you give up.
So don't give up on me, please remind me who I really am.
Everybody's got a dark side."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)