The Beach

Lately I have been going on walks... sometimes it starts with a phone date or I just feel like walking. But whenever I walk, my brain switches to auto pilot and I find myself heading to the same spot at the beach- by the pier either on the picnic benches, the swings, or in that vicinity (depending on if there are other people about).

I recently had a friend ask me, "What is it with you and your late night walks?" and so I told him that it started a long time ago with running late at night when I was upset or needed to burn off steam. But now, living so close to the beach, I just walk to the beach and stare out at the ocean. It allows me to clear my head and think.

What I failed to mention is that sometimes I go on these late night trysts alone so that I can cry. I HATE crying. And I don't mean the crying that probably most of you have seen me do where a few tears silently roll down my cheeks. I mean shoulder wracking, heart wrenching, loud sobbing, snotty nose, UGLY crying.

Depressing, huh?

I don't mean it to be.

The beach has become my therapist, where the moon observes, the waves offer their solace, and the breeze wraps its arms around me. I can't quite explain it, but lately I have felt so isolated and lonely, and unable to reach out to those who I know love me.

Tonight was such a night where I decided to walk and chat with my sister, filled my coffee tumbler with red wine, slipped on my rainbows (flip flops for those of you who are unfortunate enough to NOT know what "rainbows" are) and headed down to the beach. We chatted for about an hour and after we got off the phone I sat at the beach for about another hour.

I always start by fighting it, rationalizing in my head that things are really ok, that I have my faith and my hope and so I don't need to feel sad. Sad Holly doesn't like when Rational Holly comes out to play because then Sad Holly doesn't get to make her appearance. Sad Holly normally resolves to bring along her pal Insecurity to get Rational Holly to go away. And it works, Insecurity chases all rationale off the beach and I am left alone with my sadness and insecurities. And I cry. Often weeping for things that are not quite tangible to me, but the tears flow.

After I have been crying for awhile, Rational Holly recruits Hopeful Holly and Happy Holly; they slowly approach me, wondering from afar if I'm ready. The first wry smile appears on my lips as I think about how stupid I must look, and am at once thankful for the cover of darkness. With a bark of laughter at how silly I feel, the three break into a trot and come quickly up to me, shooing away Sad Holly and Insecurity, knowing that if they don't they could miss their window of opportunity. Hopeful Holly looks deep into my eyes, restoring my vision. Happy Holly does her best to make light of the situation, cracking inappropriate jokes. Rational Holly takes my hand and pulls me off the bench. "Go to bed," she says.

So I do.