I believe in mistakes... but I don't really believe in regrets. I think the only real regret that you can have is to make a mistake and not learn from it. It has been a year of learning for me. In some ways I feel like I have grown a lot, and in other ways I feel like I have been knocked back to the beginning (Do NOT pass go, do NOT collect $200).
It has been a year of joy and sadness, trials and challenges, victories and losses. Not surprisingly, the center of my attention for this past year was the Boo's battle and triumph (BOO-YAH!) over cancer. While we are still re-grouping and sometimes feel discouraged, I look at our foundation and I am proud. We laid it right.
Where I would never minimize the aftermath of a real tragedy, in a way I do feel like we have survived a violent earthquake. In my mind I can see myself stumbling around the wreckage of my home, dazed and bewildered. Crying for what was lost, thankful for what still remains, frustrated that this has befallen us, and overwhelmed with where to start.
One pile at a time.
Brick by brick we have been clearing away the rubble. It's been messy, hard, demanding, and exhausting. But with the new year being less than 24-hours away, I see the foundation. Despite the destruction, I am pleased to see that there are no cracks in it. What we decide to build on it will be much of how our 2011 plays out.
It seems silly that we tend to wait until December 31st to "re-examine" things. We make New Years resolutions, claim "clean slates", "new beginnings"... but isn't January 1st just another day? Why do we wait for this magical turning of the calendar to try and better ourselves? All rhetorical... I don't have the answers... I fall prey to it as well.
This year was the year of evolution for me. I thought I knew who I was. And I did...sort of. But after you go thru something that strips away ...well, I don't know what it strips away... but I can just tell you that there have been times this year where I felt like I had nothing, where I was bare and empty and that is when you find out who you really are.
That's the yuck. Having to look at yourself like that and accept that it is part of who you are. Seeing myself in that light has changed me, for the better I think... I hope. To know yourself well is a dangerous and sometimes difficult task. To be honest I now know how weak I am, and how the humor and stonewalling is just a facade for the thin ice that lies beneath. But on the flip side, I have discovered that I truly love unconditionally, without judgment, and will do anything for those close to me.
To self evolve is a good thing. When you consider how throughout time animals have made adaptations to their surroundings, it was never for the worse, and I like to think that we are the same. I hope that 2011 is a year of further evolution: growth and discovery, learning and overcoming challenges.
Thank you to all who read, who endure my hardships, nonsensical ramblings, and random queries. I wish you all a happy and safe new year. May the new year bring many happy memories, peace, love, and joy to you all.
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