Uninspired

The feelings in my heart are so hard to describe. I have sat down to write several times and with a frustrated sigh would close the laptop and walk away... either not finding the words to say or just feeling generally uninspired as to what to write about.

A sadness cages my heart. I laugh, and have fun, and for the most part fall into my casual, easy-going demeanor, but I can't deny that there is something hovering in the background. Like a pinched nerve, it doesn't always hurt, but when you move a certain way, it can send incapacitating pain throughout your body.

Maybe in the midst of everything that's been happening I failed to recognize that my heart is broken.

I feel like I have been let down deeply by a friend. When you trust and love someone, you don't expect them to hurt you (stating the obvious), thus making yourself even more vulnerable to the possible blow. After promises have been broken, tears have been shed, and apologies are left unspoken, my heart aches and bleeds. I stood by and watched my friend cut me deeply, and continued to just watch as it got infected and festered. Instead of this friend allowing the wound to heal, they continue to reopen it with their silence and cowardice and now I fear that it will leave a scar.

Perhaps I am being harsh or unreasonable, but if you claim to love somone, how can you uphold a callous attitude toward them when they are clearly hurting? I have reached out multiple times to my friend, trying to reach common ground. I have expressed feeling disrespected, lied to, and hurt, only to be ignored and cast aside. Their apathy for my feelings frustrates and saddens me.

I don't really know where to go from here. Many might say cut your losses and move on, but I love my friend and am unwilling to let that be the outcome. I think part of me hopes that they may read this and be prompted to extend themselves... which is, in and of itself, opening myself up only to be hurt and disappointed yet again.

I believe in fighting for things that you want. I want our friendship. But friendship is a meeting in the middle, and right now I am standing in the middle, confused and aggrieved, hoping, perhaps futilely, that my friend will meet me there.

My friend has left me uninspired.