Relieved... I think

As many, or most, of you know, the Boo and I received the wonderful news that his scans came back negative (which is positive) and that the cancer is gone. With a giant, shuddering breath I lift my eyes to Heaven and thank the Lord for this incredible blessing. Cue the happy music, the bright lights, the optimism and hope, and the storybook ending, right?

Hmmm....

Still waiting.

How frustrating (haha- that rhymes).

I know that I can't expect everything to snap back into place instantly, but I thought that at the very least I would feel peace, relief, and hope to flood every part of me. That I would be ready to turn the page and start anew; a rebirth, a fresh start.

Then why am I still staring at the same, damn page?

It is not a page of fear or even of cancer... it is this ugly page that has become my life (whoa dramatic)... perhaps even a picture of how I see myself. It's like trying to live a life you've forgotten. I can't clearly remember the cadence of my life prior to August. I know that there was an easy flow, a natural rhythm; a thumping bass that coursed thru my veins. That melody is gone.

But the beat is still in me. I can feel it. It's like an undercurrent pulling me along, supplying the undertones to my life that I am barely aware of. But I can already tell that it is different... the melody... it isn't the same. Not in a bad way, but in the same way that you hear a song that you LOVED in high school, but now realize that maybe wasn't so cool (MMM-Bop, anyone?). Not saying that it wasn't a good song in it's time (well, to be clear, in the case of MMM-Bop, it really never was a good song) but that your tastes have changed.

The melody of my past will always carry a heavy nostalgic quality, but it is not the song of my future. Over the next couple of months, years, or however long it takes, I am looking forward to writing the new song... the new melody of my life.