Thanksgiving

As I sat at the dinner table today and looked around at the people who surrounded me I knew I was blessed. This was my first Thanksgiving where I was not with any family members...well by blood... which by the way... I don't like saying people are related "by blood"... it just sounds creepy. Anyhow... I digress...

When I moved down to Southern California I knew that I was leaving behind my wonderful family and friends and did not know what I would find in my new home. Had I known the people who would quickly become my "SoCal Family" I would have never hesitated. I never knew why God brought me to southern California, but if it was only to meet this wonderful family, it would be enough.

They have taught me more about life, love, God, and friendship and to them I am eternally thankful. That being said... I am obviously very thankful for them. However... as this IS the day of thanks... I feel like it would be unfair to neglect some of the other things I am thankful for... I am going to skip over the more obvious items and get down to the odious ones... I shall keep the list to 10 items so as to not ramble.

1.) Pumpkin pie - yeah maybe cliche considering the holiday but it is SO delish
2.) Laughing so hard that something comes out your nose - yes it hurts, but it is so worth it
3.) Football - is there really anything better than napping on the couch while watching football... don't bother answering because the answer is always NO
4.) Sneezing - not the gross snotty kind, but just the little ones that feel so good to get out
5.) Chai Lattes - but only if they give me the hiccups...otherwise I am NOT thankful for them
6.) Hot Showers - this needs no explanation... OR if you feel like you need one take a cold shower and then tell me you aren't thankful for hot showers
7.) Colored Pens - somehow writing in different colored ink makes work more fun
8.) Games - pure fun... if you don't like games then we really aren't compatible
9.) Naps - you're welcome
10.) Long Hugs - good for any mood, you always feel better after a good hug...unless they have BO... maybe make sure that personal hygiene is in tact prior to the hug

Be thankful... be happy...seriously... laugh... it's good for you

Reminded

A week ago I decided to spend some time at my local Starbucks, taking in some good people watching while reading and writing. There was a homeless woman sitting at a table not too far from me and I noticed that she would take a small doll out of her pocket and talk to it. Granted, I do not know the real reason for this, but as I watched her speak fervently I felt sad. I realized that small doll was probably her closest "friend" (if you will), and the closest thing to real companionship that she had.

Earlier this week I was sitting in my cubicle at work reviewing a document when I heard one of my coworkers on the phone talking about his recent bout with cancer and radiation. I had noticed that he had missed some work recently but never thought twice about it. My heart felt heavy as I recalled when Billy went through his cancer treatment and how difficult it was, and how my coworker had been carrying this burden with a quiet strength.

This morning after my spin class I was perusing the news feed on good ol' FB when I came across a post that saddened me deeply. A friend posted about her recent miscarriage and my heart was just breaking for her. The empathy I felt caused my eyes to well and I closed my eyes to say a prayer for her and her family. I was immediately transported to my own miscarriage(s) and felt that deep ache and loss that permeates down to and through your soul, where only the healing touch of the Father can offer any solace.

In all three scenarios I was immediately humbled and reminded that there is always so much going on below the surface. We all carry our own struggles and we all fight our own battles daily. I was also reminded of how thankful I should be... that I have such wonderful friends for companionship, that Billy fully recovered from cancer, and that while those miscarriages were very painful, that God always has a plan and is always in control.

A friend and I have been going through a hard time, and I recently said to that person, "Please remember the good times." After I wrote that I thought about it for a little bit. What did I mean by that and why did it matter to me? Well, maybe not so much what does it mean... I think (hope?) the meaning is pretty well self explanatory, but why was it important to me that they remember the good times? I think it was because I felt like the friendship would be lost without it... that after all was said and done that everything we had been through would be lost in a sea of anger and sadness. And while I still think that it is vital to remember the good times, I think it is foolish to forget the bad.

Is it not our mistakes that cause us to grow the most? Even in the example of my friend and me going through our struggles,  our friendship would not be able to grow in a healthy way if we ignored the bad and did not learn from our mistakes. If we never learned from our mistakes we would hurt ourselves and those around us perpetually.

Our past is comprised of bad and good memories... times of love and laughter... moments of anger, sadness and tears... instances of hurt and pain... and without all of these we would not be who we are. Learn from the hurt and pain, forgive the anger and sadness, and cherish the love and laughter. But never forget... always be reminded.

Memories are a window to our past, and help us walk through the doors of our future.

Life Goes On

Sometimes bad things happen.

Sometimes life doesn't go the way we would like it to.

Fortunately, this does not mean that life ceases... the world continues to turn and time ticks on... so the moments in which we feel fragile and broken pass and hopefully we take with the hard lessons the growth and wisdom that accompanies them. Heartache in this life in inevitable and the least we can do is learn from our circumstances and try and not make the same mistake twice.

I try to avoid learning hard way...unfortunately this is my current method. Insisting upon falling flat on my face and then looking around in bewilderment like, "What the poop just happened?" For those of you who snowboard, what I'm about to say will mean more to you than others... I feel like lately I have been catching my edge continually...getting violently tossed to the ground, wiping out in the worst way possible. After I shake it off, I unsteadily work my way to standing. Pushing through the pain I assess that while I might be pretty seriously bruised, there is no permanent damage.

I have just had a hard run and am currently riding the lift back to the top... what will happen? Will I find fresh powder and peacefully carve my way down the mountain? As one of my dear friends reminds me, we are the captain of our own ship (thanks puzzle piece) and therefore can sail into whatever waters we choose (bear with me as I know that I have switched metaphors at whiplash speed). I pray that I have the wisdom to choose the right waters, the right path, and at the end of the path find my safe harbor.

skinned knees
bleary eyes
wasted so much time believing senseless lies
not gonna waste tears on these goodbyes
get up get up
you're stronger than that
brush off those palms
no looking back
--Me

Fragile

I'm having one of those mornings where I'm acting like the grumpy little baby who didn't get enough sleep and has a poopy diaper. I am cranky and frustrated but I'll still smile and laugh if you distract me from my current state. Unfortunately, once that distraction is gone I find myself slipping back into a painful state of mind.

After waking sometime in the wee hours this morning from a bad dream, I sat on the floor of my apartment, Lizzie resting in my lap, and I prayed...and I prayed... and I cried... and I prayed some more. It is times like this that I hate myself... so weak and fragile. Shame and disgust cause more tears to spill over and I just hope that in some form I am growing, learning, or at least take steps in the right direction.

As I sat and prayed I knew God was with me... but that peace I normally feel never washed over me, and as dawn's light pressed in through the blinds, I knew I was in for a long day. I feel as tho I am high on a mountain top, standing on the tiniest precipice that should I falter in any direction but the right one, I am doomed.

Life has to change...I know this. If life was dormant would it be life at all? Not much of one; that is certain. During change footfalls feel indeterminate, and each step is a risk that you are just hoping leads you to where you are supposed to go.

I take a deep breathe and am thankful that God has given me the ability to release frustration through writing, and maybe that is why I didn't feel that peace till now. As I bring this to a close, I still recognize how fragile life is, but I hold onto the things in life that I treasure and value... love, hope, joy and laughter. Life would be empty without these for me.

Through the haze and the dust I am doing my best to find that sure-footing, and while the road is precarious, I know that I must continue to walk... because going back is not an option.

"Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"
-Adele

Weekend Away

This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to spend the weekend in Oregon with one of my dearest friends. Her hubby was out of town and graciously (or heavily persuaded depending on who you ask) paid for my flight so that I could assist her with her two darling boys (ages 4 months, and 2 years old). Needless to say the weekend was fantastic. Over lots of coffee, food, and wine, we laughed, cried, and laughed some more. There is something so comforting about a friend who can tell what you are thinking just by the expression on your face.

This post is merely just to say thanks to my wonderful lovie who puts up with all my shenanigans... you are such an amazing wife, mother, and friend and I love you!!!

Let's Try This

I feel compelled to write so consider this my best effort. Not really sure what I can say, or what I am willing to express here, but I know that I need to write. Words are aching to be released from me...but now what to say...

The last time I posted was in April...to say that a lot has happened since April would be a "mild" understatement. For privacy purposes of parties involved I will not go into detail of what is going on, but rest assured that all parties are doing ok. During this time I have gone thru so many ups and downs, and I am happy to say that I have finally leveling out a bit...a bit. I have discovered some areas that I am incredibly weak, and I have discovered some ways I am incredibly strong... or stubborn... take your pick.

Today I am having a bit of a down day so tears have welled and threatened to spill over continually. So during my down days I like to reflect on things I have to be thankful for. My number one reason is always God... the strength, courage, and perseverance that He gives me is unfathomable and I know that I would not be living if it weren't for Him.

After God are my wonderful friends and family who love on me day in and day out even when I'm feeling so unlovable. Every single one of them has had to put up with a bit of crazy and for that I apologize. Below are some anonymous thanks to a few close (understatement) friends who have helped me tremendously during this time.

My Puzzle Piece, who listens to me when I'm being irrational and dramatic and has probably heard the same crap at least a thousand times... thank you for never giving up on me and always being a reality check. You see thru my mistakes and know who I am at the core, you speak truth and logic into every situation and anchor me when I feel myself slipping away.

My BRoll, my faraway friend who I wish was closer but is always there in a heartbeat and who will sit patiently on the other end of the phone line while I just cry and cry...thank you for being someone who knows me in and out and is always my number one supporter. You love me for who I am truly and you are always so supportive and encouraging.

My BBD, who can always make me smile and laugh in the face of adversity...thank you for always being there and offering a smile and a hug whenever I need it. It is our differences that I celebrate in as you offer a new and fresh perspective, and while we don't always see eye to eye, we love eachother and are there for eachother thru and thru and that's what matters.

My Angels, who have been placed between a rock and a hard place unfortunately, have handled the last couple months with such grace, understanding, and wisdom that it is hard for me to comprehend. I love you both so much and am (as usual) grateful for your impact in my life.

And lastly, and maybe mostly, to My Guard Dog, who has seen me at my worst during these months, knows every one of my secrets, but somehow manages to still love me...thank you doesn't begin to express what's in my heart. The strength and support that you have offered during this trying time is infinite. Thank you for your loyalty, your friendship, and your faithfulness...it is not overlooked and it is not taken lightly.

It is because of my wonderful friends that I feel like I can get up in the morning. It is because of them that I try to be a better person. And it is because of them that I keep forging ahead. I don't know what lies ahead, but with friends like these, I know that whatever comes my way, it's handled.

I am lucky... I am blessed... I am loved.

Long over due...

I've been wanting to write for awhile but was either A) Busy, B) Procrastinating, or C) Avoiding. I could blame it on the first two but the truth lies closer to option C. My walls have been up and fortified lately and writing brings it all down; allowing me to feel a little more than I am comfortable with right now. I am quite good at compartmentalizing (or as a friend recently informed me, it's actually called "repression"...thanks psych101) and am able to function and live my life as I enjoy it to be. Well, I think the walls need to come down, but I'm just not sure what brick to bring down first.

In deciding to put on my big girl pants on this late night... well early morning, I ponder what to share. I find that lately it's difficult for me to open up at all and I cocoon myself in a shell of sarcasm and an arsenal of "I'm fine". To those of you who have cracked the exterior, I must give you props. To those of you who haven't, please don't take it personal and know that it is not intentional. I think that lately I am hurting on so many levels and in so many different areas of my life that it is easier to just go numb than to feel it all.

Blah... sorry folks... that's all I can give tonight. I wish I wasn't such a coward, and I wish that I wasn't so weak... but I am. I really am ok... but I do need your prayers... so if you pray... shoot one up for me.

That's my one brick I guess...

Escape to Portland

I wrote this in my journal forever ago and just never posted it:

It seems like just yesterday I sat on a 737, gripping the armrests just a little more than normal, with gleeful expectation. As the plane descends I take in the beautiful landscape. Instead of feeling annoyed with the hazy mist that envelops the city, it wraps a warm blanket of nostalgia and comfort around me. I was home.

The biting winter wind quickly reminds me that I've lost my thick Oregon skin, living quite the spoiled life in Southern California for the last five years. I am warmly greeted first by my brother, who has graciously driven far out of his way to pick me up at the airport. And thus begins the next four days where I live the life of a charmed visitor; spending time with my family and friends, making the most of every moment and soaking each second in.

Now I stare sadly out the window, watching a city that I love, and desperately miss, grow smaller. I suppose this is where I would say that I cried, but I didn't. There were no glistening tears in my eyes, no sniffles, no alligator tears tumbling down my cheeks; just acquiescence that I was headed back to my daily routine. I had found it so easy to step out of my life and allow all my cares, worries, and problems to remain tucked safely away in Orange County. Unfortunately, as I contemplate my return, I am well aware that my left behind lovelies are waiting for me, eagerly awaiting the moment that they can glom back onto me. In fact, they are somehow managing this feat long distance as I begin to think of them.

I never really thought of myself as a runner... well physically yes, I love running... but I mean from my problems. If you know me well, you know that while I hate confrontation, I am willing to do it when need be in order to keep the peace (always the peacemaker). But I found myself on this trip just longing to stay... feeling like if I were to bring my life to Portland that I could somehow escape my problems and never confront them again. This is of course, ludicrous, as well as cowardly...but it is what I so desperately wanted to do.

I take a deep breath and try and gather my thoughts...not much is coming to me to be honest and a fear takes hold of my soul. Why can't I just be better? This is the question that I repeat over and over again in my head... and as the feeling of failure nestles down in its usual resting place, a sad sense of defeat overtakes me and this is where I begin to cry.

My Book

Some of you may know that I started a book... probably about a year and a half ago. I have finally decided that enough is enough; no more excuses as to why I'm not working on it. I need to get it all down on paper. I have recently worked a rough chapter outline and decided that as a trial to see if my writing is enjoyed, I will post the first several chapters to my blog on a weekly basis.

One of my dreams is to be a published writer. I have always loved writing and have felt like I express myself well in the written word. My book has a serious note to it, but obviously, with me you can't expect it to be too serious without sarcastic or comedic undertones. As it is still a WIP (work in progress) I am still unsure as to how the book will even pan out, but I am excited to see.

I would love comments and feedback from those of you who read it. Please be brutally honest as I obviously won't have it edited, it will be in a very rough, draft-type format.

Stay tuned as I hope to have it up sometime this weekend. :)

Cheers!

Pet Peeves

I have many pet peeves and to say that one trumps the other is like picking a favorite movie (well for me at least... I can't do it). Read on and I hope that the next time you experience one the following that you are able to at least share a little smile with yourself  in amidst the frustration. NOTE: these are not all my pet peeves... just the ones that popped into my head this evening.

1.) People who leave on their turn signals: is there NOT a clicking sound in everyone's car when the blinker is on? If not, this is a serious defect in cars and should be recalled with immediate effect and it should now be that the clicking noise gets exponentially louder the longer you leave it on. Pay attention and stop making me wonder if it going to be safe to pass you, or if you are just signalling for the EVENTUAL turn or lane change you are going to make in a mile or so.
2.) Writing checks in grocery stores: you DO realize that a debit card does the exact same thing right? Just wanted to check and by the way your transaction is taking FOREVER.
3.) When a picture gets taken of you and another person, and you look like crap but the other person looks really cute and they say, "what a great picture!" They know it's not a great picture... what they mean is, "What a great picture of ME!"
4.) When you are walking on a sidewalk and there are people taking up the whole sidewalk walking toward you but somehow they manage to not move out of the way by the time you reach them and then they look all annoyed like you are in their way.
5.) If you aren't capable of driving 65 mph maybe stick to sidestreets...just sayin'
6.) No, I'm not pregnant and unless you see a baby coming out of my vagina never ask this question (and maybe not even then).
7.) When you ask someone, "Guess how much this cost??" and you are obviously excited about how much money you saved and then they guess a totally ridiculously low price that is less than what you paid...congratulations...thunder stolen.
8.) Don't ask me a question, doubt my answer, and google it to see if I'm right... just google the answer next time.
9.) When I'm obviously all ready to leave and someone looks at me and says, "Is that what you're wearing?" Well not ANYMORE it's NOT! Grr...
10.) People who talk loudly on their cell phones in public places... talking on your phone is fine but they have, in fact, improved technology so that you can now speak in a regular tone. If you want to speak that loud then just put your phone down because I'm sure that they can probably hear you from miles away.

Reality Bites

Sometimes people are just really sucky... you know that? And while "sucky" may not even be an actual word, I surmise that it sums up how we feel about people in our lives occasionally.

I have decided that in high school, or perhaps even earlier, we should begin to teach courses on friendships or relationships in general. Instead of some of the useless information that we are forced to learn (i.e. when was the last time you referenced geometry or mitosis?) they should have some sort of relationship specialist teach what it means to be a friend. Perhaps then we would not have to put up with the douchebaggery of people (well, not to say we wouldn't have to to deal with it sometimes... unfortunately I do not think that the course would eliminate douche bags completely...I'm still working on that cure).

Back in my single days I read, "He's Just Not That Into You," and it absolutely changed the way that I viewed dating. I stopped wasting my time on stupid losers who didn't have the capacity to acknowledge my awesomeness (hahahaha) and was able to focus on the men that actually gave a damn. Basically what the book boils down to is that if the dude is really into you, then he will make the time for you, he will make sacrifices for you, and he will get past his baggage to be with you... so if the guy you are dating isn't cutting it, stop making excuses for him and cut him loose because there are other fish in the sea (Rihanna says it very well in "Raining Men"). This translates into friendship quite easily.

I am the queen of making excuses for people. A peacemaker to the core I readily gloss over conflict and easily forgive misgivings, swallowing my hurt and telling myself that they didn't really mean to wrong me. While this is not inherently a bad trait, it can be when perhaps the problem is more of a pattern and it is the same person causing the pain over and over again.

Maybe this is obvious to other people, but I recently stumbled (or rather sprinted into a brick wall...or at least that's what it felt like) upon a harsh reality. No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you care for them and value their friendship, and no matter how much of a priority you make them in your life, you can't make them feel the same way. Glaringly evident, I'm sure, but I guess since I feel like I have recently experienced this, I am just really feeling and living in the hurt right now.

True friendship should always be reciprocal; one half equaling the other. There will be seasons where the scale may tip in one direction or another, but if you were to weigh it all out, it would be even. There are so many aspects to friendship, but to me, the top ranking aspects are:

1.)Unconditional love: I don't care wtf you've done or did, I love you for you and that's that.
2.) No judgment: we all make mistakes and I'm not gonna point a finger at you, but I am gonna get in the trenches with you and help you figure it out.
3.) Dealing with the drama: Obviously there is a limit here, but if someone that you consider a true friend has some drama going on, you deal with it... you are their friend so suck it up and deal with it.
4.) Doing crap you don't wanna do: whether it's falling on a "grenade", having an uncomfortable discussion after a fight, or having to deal with some drama (previously referenced) you do it because you love them and you take the good with the bad... don't be a selfish friend (it can't always be about you).
5.) Availability and Prioritizing: life is busy, we all know this, but when a friend needs a laugh, a hug, a listening ear, or just someone to sit with, you put your DVR on pause and you are there for them.
6.) Meet their needs: everyone has different needs (for example I need hugs and I need to be heard when I am upset) and sometimes this means you may have to do something that you don't want to do (see #4) but if you truly #1 them, you are willing to do what they need you to do. For example, one of my friends is quite insecure, and when they have a problem it involves dissecting every single aspect of every single conversation and analyzing to the full extent what each word and aspect ACTUALLY means. I find this quite painstaking and sometimes will inwardly grow impatient as we spend hour upon hour examining the issue, but I do it because it is what they need and how they handle it.
7.) Follow through and communicate: sometimes plans cave and sometimes there's a glitch in the system, but there should always be an honest effort to follow through on what you said you were going to do... don't be a flake... be reliable.

... ok... so starting a list was a bad choice because A) many of the bullets above overlap and repeat each other, and B) I could probably list off about 100 different aspects and not even be close to finishing what I started. But I hope that on some level you see where I am headed with this and you get what I am trying to convey.

Final Lesson of the Day: put your money where your mouth is people. If you don't mean it, don't say it. Words are just words without action behind them, and guess what? Without the action it just feels like lies, and really it is a lie because if you really meant what you said, then your actions would show it. I'm tired of hearing from people how much they love and care for me when their actions depict the opposite.

I'm not saying I'm blameless and have never been guilty of the pitfalls listed above, but friendship is a blessing, and we need to stop effing it up. Love your friends and treat them the way you want to be treated. Sometimes reality bites, but you should not be bitten by your friends (unless it's playful).

Secret Selfish Gym Trick

As many of you know, I am a gym junkie. It is my me-time and I rarely make the exception to miss it. So 5 or 6 days a week I can be found at one of the various 24-Hour Fitness clubs working out. For the most part I enjoy working out in a gym setting; especially in the classes. I love the competitive nature that comes alive in me, refusing to let the person next to me out-perform me. The gym I work out at the most is right by my work too, so you can't beat the convenience.

Of course there are drawbacks to the gym also. There is seasonal nuance of the "New Year Resolutioners". And as much as I would like to, you aren't allowed to walk up to strangers and deodorize them. There are always going to be the annoying guys at the gym who seem to think that an appropriate time to hit on you is while you are in a dead sprint on the treadmill, and as a trainer one of my hugest pet peeves is watching people compromise their form to lift a heavier weight.

However annoying the above may be to me, it is nothing compared to how I feel about the locker room. The locker room at my gym is stuffy, small, and overcrowded (or at least it is around 7:30 a.m. when I am trying to shower and get ready in an efficient manner). The lockers are stacked two high with a small bench at the base that are connected in sort of a half rectangle which goes around the edge of the locker room (make sense?).

One of the annoying things is contesting for space on the bench. People pull their stuff out of their locker and then spread it out all over the bench in front of the other lockers, rather than keeping it confined to just their "designated area" if you will. For a long time I have politely asked people to move their stuff so that I can get into my locker (which isn't so awkward except either when (A) they are naked, or (B) you are). But no more... I have found a solution.

See the problem was always that people spread out in front of the lockers next to theirs, so I realized that if I use more than one locker, then I am not only reserving more bench space, but increasing my chances that I will be able to get into my locker without the hassle. I started out by using two lockers, but now I have realized that three (or four) really work best. AND I am more organized now... change of clothes in one locker, shower stuff in another, empty gym bag in another, and (if necessary) dirty clothes in the fourth.

So yes... I am a greedy locker monger and I am proud of it. I love how people have to give me my space and that I am uninterrupted while I am getting ready. Judge all you want but that is my secret selfish gym trick to surviving the locker room.

Too Hard

You're dodging my calls, avoiding my eyes
shuffling your feet and telling me lies
you think I don't know, but baby I do
it's the same pattern, same routine
it's always the same damn thing
you'll push me away and then reel me back in
the ultimate puppet master, always pulling my strings

You say it's too hard

there's distance in your eyes, in your touch

I know when I've been benched and I'm now second string

i know things just aint the same

and i know that things have to change

some things are worth fighting for

fight for me and i'll fight for you

let's close this gap and move on

let's build that bridge and get over it

It's a game of tug of war but neither one of us will win

together we could move mountains but lately 

we're just making mountains out of mole hills

I know right now we're stuck, out of luck
this rock and hard place is all too familiar
don't push me away, we can figure it out
my heart aches, oh it breaks, when we fight
what the hell were we even fighting 'bout?

You say it's too hard

there's distance in your eyes, in your touch

I know when I've been benched and I'm now second string

i know things just aint the same

and i know that things have to change

some things are worth fighting for

fight for me and i'll fight for you

let's close this gap and move on

let's build that bridge and get over it

I'm not so complicated

just a woman with her heart in her hands

I want to be loved, to be held, I want a friend

So shh baby, just lay in my arms

I'll stroke your skin and make it all go away

it will all work out cause it has to

part of my life, part my heart

I won't let you go, lately the scales have been tipping

but we'll find that balance, don't say no.

we throw it in the fire, watch it all burn
watching these memories go up in smoke
just when I think we're done and it's all too much
you turn and give me one more touch

You say it's too hard

there's distance in your eyes, in your touch

I know when I've been benched and I'm now second string

i know things just aint the same

and i know that things have to change

some things are worth fighting for

fight for me and i'll fight for you

let's close this gap and move on

let's build that bridge and get over it

one more touch one more touch
it's all too much
hush hush  we'll work it out
hush hush we'll work it out

Dark

Hiya peeps...

So it's been awhile since I have posted anything. This is for two main reasons:

A) I've been stupid busy

B) when I have felt the urge to write it is typically something dark. I have resisted posting several "dark" posts (and they sit unpublished in my draft folder) because really it just isn't me.

Yes, I have my bad days... and yes I can be a terrible bitch... (come on... all of you who REALLY know me know this is true) but at the end of the day who I truly enjoy being is someone who is happy... the one who is first to laugh, and the last to stop. I like to forgive and forget, and be easy going. One of my friends recently told me that I "forgive too easily to a fault," which I replied, "it takes too much energy to be mad." So it may mean that I occasionally get trod on, but at least I get over it quickly.

I struggle with releasing my "inner demons" to the public because I feel like they contradict who I am and ergo why I felt compelled to write this blog after publishing "Burning Alive".

Many of you know that I am struggling with some stuff right now... some pretty heavy stuff... and I work hard at not letting it define me. But it is from the dark places of my heart that give birth to writings like "Burning Alive". The feelings are in me, but they aren't real...well maybe they are real...but they aren't permanent. They are fleeting thoughts, which are quickly banished by the majority of optimism and hope which refuses to release my soul (thank God). So while the feelings are fleeting, they do exist, and I gotta set 'em free, because if I don't, like an infection, they will fester and proliferate their bacteria through my system. This is why you may see some of my "Darth Vader" posts in the near future (but I still can't use the force dammit; I've tried).

I guess I just want everyone to know that I'm ok... to not be alarmed by things they may read and to not be misled. Many of you are my friends who read this from afar and I know that it must put questions in your mind about how I am doing... rest assured that I am doing well... by God's loving grace I am doing well.

For those of you in proximity, if you really know me, then you know that all it takes is a good hard look in my eyes... it's always written all over my face.

I will ask this... if you pray- pray for me. If you see me- hug me (I need like 10 hugs a day to feel like a human being, call it needy if you want, but I give good hugs so it's not like you aren't getting anything in return!). Right now what I need is love... love and acceptance and no judgment. Please understand that I am a private person so if I don't want to talk it's not you, it's me (and no we aren't breaking up). It has nothing to do with not trusting you, it has more to do with the fact that I am a stubborn ass and to accept help it normally takes nothing less than physical force (warning: should you decide to use "physical force" I will be forced to open up a can on you :-P ).

Thanks for reading... I am going to try and get some rest now... my alarm is set to go off in about 3 hours.

xoxo ~ Holls

Jesus, lover of my soul... Jesus, I will never let you go...

Burning Alive

make my mind stop churning, what do I smell burning?

my body's on fire, my hearts gonna beat right outta my chest,

what makes me think this day will be different than the rest?

hear that whistle blow, it's the end of the game, or is it a train?

either way it's the end... it all ends the same.

baby i'm burning alive

i'm doing all i can, but it's all I can do to survive

i'm wasting away, tryin' to get the help I need,

but it always stands in my path, wills me to not succeed

doused me in gasoline and struck that match

watch me burning alive... now there's love, what a catch

shh don't say the things that run through your mind

because people just let you down time after time

put on the mask its what people wanna see

all people care about is to be drama-free

so bottle up the hurt, and swallow it down

put that smile on your face, never let 'em see you frown

baby i'm burning alive

i'm doing all i can, but it's all I can do to survive

i'm wasting away, tryin' to get the help I need,

but it always stands in my path, wills me to not succeed

doused me in gasoline and struck that match

watch me burning alive... now there's love, what a catch

put me out put me out

put me out my misery

burn it down burn it down

burn it down to the ground

cause baby i'm burning alive

this aint how i wanna survive

i'm gonna burn this down till there's nothing left of me

gonna burn this down, so tired of feeling empty

no longer empty

always gonna be full

but first i gotta burn this down

to start all over

Long Meeting = Wandering Mind

We all know that as a geek to the core I love to learn. We also know that my attention span starts to wane quickly, especially without visual aids, so when it was announced that we were going to have a two-day educational meeting I was eager to attend.

My eagerness waned...HARD... on the first eight hour day where I struggled to sit still and focus on anything he was saying. Below are my ABC's of idle thoughts that I recorded during day two of the Neverending Educational Course:

A) my costco list
B) do I want to get pink or berry colored lip-liner?
C) I need a stain stick... how do I know which one to get?
D) I think I need to get my shoes shined, but you never see women getting their shoes shined... do they?
E) Hmmm... shoes... (I won't bore you with the many details that followed but this topic was in my head for awhile)
F) the Victoria's Secret sale ends this weekend, when am I going to go??? (Nevermind the fact that I already shopped it online AND in the store... )
G) I wonder if you can actually buy one of those guns like Batman has where you shoot it and it attaches to another building with a cable and then you can zipline across...I want to use one right now...must escape conference room!
H) How did Underdog get his powers?
I) Why is it that everyone else loves avocados but I don't think they taste at all?
J) Food for superbowl sunday
K) How do they generate sudoku puzzles?
L) I wish I had a sudoku puzzle right now.
M) Or any puzzle for that matter.
N) I need new music for my ipod.
O) Ugh I hate my phone... I need to find out when I am out of my stupid cell contract
P) Who is going to fall asleep first in this meeting? There is some serious head-bobbing going on...
Q) Book store... I have to go soon...
R) I must research the best karaoke bar in Orange County
S) What would I do if a giant spider came bursting into the room right now?
T) or a DINOSAUR!??!??!
U) Like what if all of a sudden a velociraptor came BURSTING in here...scary
V) COFFEEEEEEEEE!!!!
W) How old is this guy anyway?
X) I need a beer
Y) or two.
Z) It's five o'clock somewhere

Birthday Wishes

Today I am 29.

I only require two things on my birthday--- SOMEONE must sing me Happy Birthday, and I must make a wish and blow out candles. I am not a superstitious (maybe just a little-stitious) person who believes that making wishes will actually make them come true. But there is this intangible, almost magical (whoa do I feel dumb using that word) feeling that I get as I stare at the candles (or candle- it doesn't have to be the number of the age that I am turning!).

I don't know what I will actually wish for tonight when I blow out my candles, but I know this.

For Christmas of 2008 a friend at work gave me a daily calendar of affirmations. You know, those ones where you rip the page off everyday. Most of the affirmations were a little too hokey for me but I dutifully revealed the next page daily.

One of the pages I kept and still have stuck on my cubicle wall. It reads simply, "I have a dream, and I know that I deserve to have this dream come true." In my mind I modify it and say that I have dreams, and I deserve to have them come true. Because really, who has only ONE dream?

My wish is that I would follow this. So often I find myself stuck in the mundane daily cycle of this thing we call life, settling for mediocrity when I know that if maybe I were to actually try, that something would change. If I'm honest, it is also fear that bridles me. I worry that if I actually try, and then fail, that I will look foolish, feel embarassed, and will find myself exactly where I started. But this mindset, I know, will only hold me back, so it's time to shed that skin, and put on my big girl britches (is it weird that I immediately get a visual of oversized, white granny-panties?).

My wish is not just for me, but for all who have a dream that seems out of reach. Life is one chance... one... and then that's it. Now my fear of failure does not trump my fear that one day I will look back and say, "If only...". If I reach the end of my life and I can look back and say, "Well at least I tried..." then I consider it a success.

To think that we could have all we ever wanted but just never took hold of it. It does take a leap of faith, and accomplishing your dreams will probably mean taking a few spills along the way. But dreams aren't supposed to be easy... you ever thought about that? That dreams are supposed to be big, and seemingly unreachable.

Well, f unreachable.

It's time that we got a little dirty, put the work in, and reach our dreams. Sorry, Cinderella, but dreams don't come true by just believing. It takes effort and most of us don't have Fairy Godmothers chilling in our back pockets. Yes, it is a daunting and seemingly insurmountable task, but if your dream is not worth your application and energy, then I am not sure you are dreaming the right dream.

I will not be the fool left standing empty handed... don't let yourself be either.