Dark

Hiya peeps...

So it's been awhile since I have posted anything. This is for two main reasons:

A) I've been stupid busy

B) when I have felt the urge to write it is typically something dark. I have resisted posting several "dark" posts (and they sit unpublished in my draft folder) because really it just isn't me.

Yes, I have my bad days... and yes I can be a terrible bitch... (come on... all of you who REALLY know me know this is true) but at the end of the day who I truly enjoy being is someone who is happy... the one who is first to laugh, and the last to stop. I like to forgive and forget, and be easy going. One of my friends recently told me that I "forgive too easily to a fault," which I replied, "it takes too much energy to be mad." So it may mean that I occasionally get trod on, but at least I get over it quickly.

I struggle with releasing my "inner demons" to the public because I feel like they contradict who I am and ergo why I felt compelled to write this blog after publishing "Burning Alive".

Many of you know that I am struggling with some stuff right now... some pretty heavy stuff... and I work hard at not letting it define me. But it is from the dark places of my heart that give birth to writings like "Burning Alive". The feelings are in me, but they aren't real...well maybe they are real...but they aren't permanent. They are fleeting thoughts, which are quickly banished by the majority of optimism and hope which refuses to release my soul (thank God). So while the feelings are fleeting, they do exist, and I gotta set 'em free, because if I don't, like an infection, they will fester and proliferate their bacteria through my system. This is why you may see some of my "Darth Vader" posts in the near future (but I still can't use the force dammit; I've tried).

I guess I just want everyone to know that I'm ok... to not be alarmed by things they may read and to not be misled. Many of you are my friends who read this from afar and I know that it must put questions in your mind about how I am doing... rest assured that I am doing well... by God's loving grace I am doing well.

For those of you in proximity, if you really know me, then you know that all it takes is a good hard look in my eyes... it's always written all over my face.

I will ask this... if you pray- pray for me. If you see me- hug me (I need like 10 hugs a day to feel like a human being, call it needy if you want, but I give good hugs so it's not like you aren't getting anything in return!). Right now what I need is love... love and acceptance and no judgment. Please understand that I am a private person so if I don't want to talk it's not you, it's me (and no we aren't breaking up). It has nothing to do with not trusting you, it has more to do with the fact that I am a stubborn ass and to accept help it normally takes nothing less than physical force (warning: should you decide to use "physical force" I will be forced to open up a can on you :-P ).

Thanks for reading... I am going to try and get some rest now... my alarm is set to go off in about 3 hours.

xoxo ~ Holls

Jesus, lover of my soul... Jesus, I will never let you go...