Evolution

Well, this will be my last post of the year. What a crazy year...

I believe in mistakes... but I don't really believe in regrets. I think the only real regret that you can have is to make a mistake and not learn from it. It has been a year of learning for me. In some ways I feel like I have grown a lot, and in other ways I feel like I have been knocked back to the beginning (Do NOT pass go, do NOT collect $200).

It has been a year of joy and sadness, trials and challenges, victories and losses. Not surprisingly, the center of my attention for this past year was the Boo's battle and triumph (BOO-YAH!) over cancer. While we are still re-grouping and sometimes feel discouraged, I look at our foundation and I am proud. We laid it right.

Where I would never minimize the aftermath of a real tragedy, in a way I do feel like we have survived a violent earthquake. In my mind I can see myself stumbling around the wreckage of my home, dazed and bewildered. Crying for what was lost, thankful for what still remains, frustrated that this has befallen us, and overwhelmed with where to start.

One pile at a time.

Brick by brick we have been clearing away the rubble. It's been messy, hard, demanding, and exhausting. But with the new year being less than 24-hours away, I see the foundation. Despite the destruction, I am pleased to see that there are no cracks in it. What we decide to build on it will be much of how our 2011 plays out.

It seems silly that we tend to wait until December 31st to "re-examine" things. We make New Years resolutions, claim "clean slates", "new beginnings"... but isn't January 1st just another day? Why do we wait for this magical turning of the calendar to try and better ourselves? All rhetorical... I don't have the answers... I fall prey to it as well.

This year was the year of evolution for me. I thought I knew who I was. And I did...sort of. But after you go thru something that strips away ...well, I don't know what it strips away... but I can just tell you that there have been times this year where I felt like I had nothing, where I was bare and empty and that is when you find out who you really are.

That's the yuck. Having to look at yourself like that and accept that it is part of who you are. Seeing myself in that light has changed me, for the better I think... I hope. To know yourself well is a dangerous and sometimes difficult task. To be honest I now know how weak I am, and how the humor and stonewalling is just a facade for the thin ice that lies beneath. But on the flip side, I have discovered that I truly love unconditionally, without judgment, and will do anything for those close to me.

To self evolve is a good thing. When you consider how throughout time animals have made adaptations to their surroundings, it was never for the worse, and I like to think that we are the same. I hope that 2011 is a year of further evolution: growth and discovery, learning and overcoming challenges.

Thank you to all who read, who endure my hardships, nonsensical ramblings, and random queries. I wish you all a happy and safe new year. May the new year bring many happy memories, peace, love, and joy to you all.

Wait

that mountain looks high and so far off

but we're going up and over cause it stands in the path

no one ever said it was easy

and baby, we both know its true

the rose colored glasses are off

maybe they came off too soon

you say hurry up

but I'm so tired

no don't wait for me

can't you see that I need you to wait for me

to hold my hand and pull me along

i wanna be the leader

don't always want to follow

let me be the leader

let me be the queen of the castle

your queen of the castle

are you my king?

i've been dying of thirst

dont you have some water?

i'm so tired but i'm still going after

after you

after life

after me

i'm falling behind

I can't ever keep up

you call over your shoulder

but I can barely see you

wait for me

i want you to wait for me

i wanna be the leader

don't always want to follow

let me be the leader

let me be the queen of the castle

your queen of the castle

are you my king?

i dont want to ask

i want you to know

i dont want you to leave

but I dont want to follow

wait for me

take my hand and walk my side

wait for me

i want you to want to wait for me

Angry Mad Post

I am frustrated...beyond frustrated...I am mad.

One of my passions is to help those with problems I have struggled with. One of my greatest struggles in life has been my weight and the eating disorders that have accompanied that. One of my friends recently confessed that she is struggling with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. In order to help her, I felt it prudent to research.

So diligently I sat at my computer and typed in "understanding body dysmorphic disorder" into the web browser. Instantly there was a list of resources for me to peruse. After clicking on a few, I was more than disappointed; I was horrified.

These sites, which many rely upon as "resources" to tackle their disorders, felt like it was a good idea to advertise dieting tips, weight loss regimes, weight loss pills, exercise programs, and one advertisement even proclaimed (in call caps no less), "Click here to obtain the perfect body!"

With frustrated tears in my eyes I angrily closed the browser and began to cry softly. Not for myself, but for others who have viewed this atrocity. To know that people with serious problems are exposed to this hypocrisy is saddening, disheartening, and exasperating. They come searching for hope but instead are immediately detracted by the array of defamations on the screen.

I imagine what people's response might be if I were to walk into an AA meeting with a bottle of vodka and began to pass out shots. Not making them take the shot, but putting it in their hand while they are actively pursuing help. I envision that many would get angry, throw me out, perhaps exude some level of violence... and to be honest... I wouldn't blame them. It is arguable that when people with dangerous addictions seek help that they are fighting for their lives, and what I have done is shown a callous disrespect for not only their decision to seek help, but also their well being, their future, and their existence.

I know that many struggle with a variety of eating disorders. This pains me because I know that the issue is not normally about the body, but it seems to be. It is normally a heart and mind issue, something that we are wounded from and are still recovering. If you suffer, I pray that you are able to see past the vanity of the world, to see into your soul, and to find your worth as God intended. If anyone reading this ever needs a listening ear on the matter I am more than willing to listen and lend advice should you want it. This issue hits home for me.

Nobody should feel unloved, especially by themselves.

Alive

I look in your eyes and I see my future
I hold your hand and I feel secure
I kiss your lips and the world stops moving
I see your heart and I know its where I belong


your friendship is where I take refuge
your arms are the safest place
your laugh opens my eyes to new colors
your touch brings me to life


your whispers chase away my fears
your embrace brings peace to my soul
your breathing matches mine in easy rhythm
the beat of your heart is the beat of my own


pull me close
never let me go
because it's when I'm here
that I know I'm alive

Clarification

In writing a blog I am aware that I make some very private matters of my life public. I do this because I love to write, but also because I like to share in what I am experiencing, serious or nonsensical.

That being said, I also want to point out that not everything on this blog is about me; herein I am referring to the songs that I write. I completely understand that when you read my blogs that are clearly about my life, that then when you read a song I've written you may try and draw a parallel between them.

Please do not do this.

While sometimes my song writing is connected to my heart, often it is just something fun or an idea that popped into my head that I am jotting down. I incorporate my life, other's lives, movies, music, books, and poetry into my writing so it would be quite presumptuous that everything in my writing is about me.

Many of my songs have raised eyebrows and questions and I just want to put them to rest. If you feel like you have a direct issue about something and simply cannot let it go, I would ask that you consult me directly on it. As you know, I do prefer to not talk about what I write here, but understand that sometimes you may feel like something needs to be addressed.

I just wanted to take the time to clarify this issue and will probably occasionally post this as a reminder so that we all stay on the same page. I hope that you enjoy what you read, but understand that this is a personal and creative outlet for me.

Haunted

you're the monster hiding under my bed

you're the skeleton in my closet

I wish I could forget you

erase that part of my life

but you made me who I am

your ghost is still with me

whispers in my ear

I catch your reflection

don't like what I see

I've forgiven you

I've moved on

why won't you let me be

I just wanted to leave you in my past

I should have known that would never last

I've tried to make things right

reaching out and getting struck down

I can't deal with all your drama around

your ghost is still with me

whispers in my ear

I catch your reflection

don't like what I see

I've forgiven you

I've moved on

why won't you let me be

I never had a choice

I was yours from the start

you didnt choose me

you left me behind

now your memory haunts me

follows like a shadow

tainting my every step

your ghost is still with me

whispers in my ear

I catch your reflection

don't like what I see

I've forgiven you

I've moved on

why won't you let me be

I look in the mirror and see you

your eyes mock me and glare right back

you could have made things different

but decisions were made, the foundation was laid

and now everything I do echoes of you and the mistakes you made

Grateful

I was just laying on my bed with my kitty napping peacefully on my chest thinking (I was thinking- not my cat...well maybe she was thinking too but probably was thinking about things like fish, and hairballs and stuff...so not the same stuff I was thinking about). While I stroked her soft fur, I felt such a strong wave of emotion come over me...again...it has been a tearful day, but in a good way I suppose... I still hate crying though.

There are many things to be thankful for on this wonderful Christmas Day. Things that I hope to hold close to my heart so that when hard times fall, I am able to grasp onto them and remember what is truly important. First and foremost, the reason we celebrate Christmas. Thank you God for sending your son Jesus to be born into this world so that He could be our Savior.

I am also deeply appreciative for the people in my life.

I spoke with all of my family members this morning, followed by a short cry after each phone call. To be so loved when so often I feel so unlovely is a powerful thing. The holidays are very nostalgic, and while I am so thankful for this place that feels more like home than I ever thought it would, there are many things that I miss about being close to family. I am grateful, however, that my parents raised me to be the independent person I am, who has the strength and confidence to spread my wings and fly.

God knew that when he moved me to San Clemente that I would need family. I am like water; strong enough to hold up a ship, but fragile enough to slip thru the fingers. I am aware of my need for love...not a big surprise for those of you who know me well. At the end of a day I can tell if I haven't been hugged enough, and so the sarcastic question of, "Does someone need a hug?" actually applies to me.

God provides. I was raised with a wonderful family with whom I still have strong and unique relationships with. Nothing will, or ever could, replace them. However, last night I was with family...maybe not by blood, but it might as well be. My precious friends whom God provided for me and the Boo are such a blessing to me. They have graced many of my blogs because of the great impact that they have had, and continue to have, in my life. All five of them are incredible individuals and for them I am so thankful.

Truly my life is rich. The people in my life make me rich. They are my gifts and treasures, my pride and joy, my silver and gold. To be surrounded by those who love you is a beautiful thing, and nothing brings me more to life than to see those around me happy and joyful. Be a blessing to those around you this season. Hold them close to you, express your love to them, and leave nothing left unsaid.

Merry Christmas my friends. May love, peace, hope, and strength be the things that cross your threshold.

Finished

How many times have those words left your lips
too many fall victim to your lies
you dont think before you speak
you dont know the damage you do
or you do and you just dont care


I've been stuck like glue to you for too long
lettin' it go, adjusting my flow
turnin' that page
watch me go boy, you know you like it
but this time I aint coming back

Wiping my hands clean of you
gettin' that dirt off my shoulder
I'ma smack that look off your face
you'll keep falling but I'll keep thriving
I'm finished with you


You think you're so don juan
but you're more like dirty sanchez
you're so vain you think it's always bout you
didn't you hear that your stuff is to the left?
you're so replacable

Wiping my hands clean of you
gettin' that dirt off my shoulder
I'ma smack that look off your face
you'll keep falling but I'll keep thriving
I'm finished with you


you say I'm the one who was wrong
don't call me a hoe when you're such a rake
mistakes were made and the price was paid
do you want to be the pot or the kettle?

Wiping my hands clean of you
gettin' that dirt off my shoulder
I'ma smack that look off your face
you'll keep falling but I'll keep thriving
I'm finished with you

na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na
Hey hey hey
Good bye
I'm finished with you

na-na-na-na
na-na-na-na
hey hey hey
Good bye
El fin

Uninspired

The feelings in my heart are so hard to describe. I have sat down to write several times and with a frustrated sigh would close the laptop and walk away... either not finding the words to say or just feeling generally uninspired as to what to write about.

A sadness cages my heart. I laugh, and have fun, and for the most part fall into my casual, easy-going demeanor, but I can't deny that there is something hovering in the background. Like a pinched nerve, it doesn't always hurt, but when you move a certain way, it can send incapacitating pain throughout your body.

Maybe in the midst of everything that's been happening I failed to recognize that my heart is broken.

I feel like I have been let down deeply by a friend. When you trust and love someone, you don't expect them to hurt you (stating the obvious), thus making yourself even more vulnerable to the possible blow. After promises have been broken, tears have been shed, and apologies are left unspoken, my heart aches and bleeds. I stood by and watched my friend cut me deeply, and continued to just watch as it got infected and festered. Instead of this friend allowing the wound to heal, they continue to reopen it with their silence and cowardice and now I fear that it will leave a scar.

Perhaps I am being harsh or unreasonable, but if you claim to love somone, how can you uphold a callous attitude toward them when they are clearly hurting? I have reached out multiple times to my friend, trying to reach common ground. I have expressed feeling disrespected, lied to, and hurt, only to be ignored and cast aside. Their apathy for my feelings frustrates and saddens me.

I don't really know where to go from here. Many might say cut your losses and move on, but I love my friend and am unwilling to let that be the outcome. I think part of me hopes that they may read this and be prompted to extend themselves... which is, in and of itself, opening myself up only to be hurt and disappointed yet again.

I believe in fighting for things that you want. I want our friendship. But friendship is a meeting in the middle, and right now I am standing in the middle, confused and aggrieved, hoping, perhaps futilely, that my friend will meet me there.

My friend has left me uninspired.