I can't begin to say how much I have absolutely cherished all of your comments, letters, and messages... they mean so much to me. Your support is invaluable and know that remaining accountable to you all has pushed me thru some dark moments to get to this lovely number: Day 45.
FORTY-FIVE! Truth be told I wanted to wait to give an update till day 50 but since I value instant gratification as much as the next person, I said, "I do what I want," and here we are.
Everyday is still a struggle but there are days where I think about it much less, and there are days that I feel I need to glue my ass to a chair so as to not enter the kitchen. I am currently going thru my lovely PMS cycle so it's been a rough couple of days. For my lady readers I'm sure that elaboration is not really needed...Gentlemen... allow me to explain.
The reason this week SUCKS so hard is three-fold:
1.) The Bloat: during this period (no pun intended) the tummy tends to pooch as we retain water. My tummy also treats this week like there is an embargo on CO2 so it must retain as much as possible. Thus making me feel fat and generally unattractive. For all women, this sucks (bloating is physically uncomfortable too btw... basically feels like you haven't taken a poo in a week... yes graphic but if there's a feeling that guys can relate to- it's that), however if you are a woman with a poor body image this sucks even more because it messes with your head immensely, because while you are not really "fatter", the pooch that appears when I sit down begs to differ.
2.) The Crave: So already feeling fat you would think that during this week you would just eat as clean as possible and it'll all be fine, right? Well, not exactly. Typically because of hormone spikes the body just wants food... and it's not exactly wanting you to order that grilled chicken spinach salad... it's probably leaning more toward that plate of chili cheese fries with a brownie sundae for desert. That being said I want to eat everything in sight and controlling what I eat has been incredibly difficult. Luckily I successfully polished off the bag of M&M's last night (a normal amount I promise) so I won't have to face those again, but I also crave salty things during this week. You know what salt does? Yup- causes more bloating... so I was already feeling like a beached whale, but now that I've eaten like crap and thus caused more bloating, I now feel like a dead beached whale (have you ever seen a bloated whale? Disgusting...). What's crazy is that I know that I can't have changed that much in a few days, but in my mind I just KNOW that I'm edging in on auditioning for the Biggest Loser. Thus my third point...
3.) The Irrational: I like being an even-keeled person; I tend to be generally happy and content. And even while PMSing I tend to be this way...for the majority...however... without rhyme or reason the most minute detail can transform me into a sobbing mess, or an angry crazy person. As my level headed attitude is temporarily hijacked, my emotions tend to run a bit wild like college girls on spring break. Eating disorders are typically linked emotionally, and since my emotions have been hormonally compromised this week, it has been a constant struggle to remain level headed and stay on track.
I think you can do the math: Bloat + Eating Crappy + Poor Body Image + Cray Hormones = train wreck waiting to happen. But so far I've survived, and I think that I'll get thru the rest of this week without incident. Some notable things that I can now do again that I couldn't before:
1.) Keep sweets in the house: for awhile I literally could not keep ANYTHING in the house, and you are now looking at someone who can keep icecream in her freezer and it actually LASTS for more than a week!
2.) I can bake again. I love baking for people and just a few days ago was the first time that I was able to bake and feel good about it. There were times that I would start baking cookies, cupcakes, or brownies for work or a party and would actually have to make two batches because I would eat most or all of the first one. It is so nice to be able to do something that I love again. I did make sure that I wasn't alone while baking tho, so I'm not entirely past it, but for me it was a giant milestone.
3.) Guilt free treats. Whether it's nachos, fries, a dessert, or another glass of wine, I am now able to enjoy it and not feel that heavy guilt that used to accompany it. There is still a line that would be easy for me to cross, so I am still very aware of what I am eating and choosing to do, but now if I ask myself, "Are you gonna be ok if you eat this?" If the answer is yes, it really is ok.
So that's me right now... I'm happy and healthy and cruising on. I am also dealing with and healing from the scars that initiated and perpetuated my problem which has been challenging but incredibly rewarding. I think the truth has finally been beaten thru my thick skull that I can't let my scars define me. I will carry them with me, and over time the scars fade, but the scars will remain, so that from time to time, I can look at them and remember their pain so as to not be scarred in the same way twice.
Cheers everyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment