RECONCILING

Often it is the people closest to you that hurt you the most, intentionally or unintentionally, it happens. In the greater scheme of things, the person normally feels genuine remorse and you forgive them and you move on. In some instances you may find that the grievance feels too large and that you are unable to get past it and therefore the relationship is over. As humans we cannot forget how people have hurt us, therefore if we choose to forgive someone for something then it must be a daily decision to forgive them so as to not hold it over their heads, and to not allow the seeds of bitterness to plant.

Have you found that some people are just poison to your life? Week after week they let you down, disappoint and hurt you, lie to you and offer their friendship only when it is convenient for them. These inherently selfish individuals know only how to truly love themselves and use people’s friendships to feel better about themselves. I find that with these relationships there is not a lot of middle ground; things are either really great or they are really bad. This mostly hinges on the mood of the person, depending on how much energy they are choosing to invest into the relationship at that time. So what do you do with these types of friendships? Do you stop offering forgiveness? Do you cut them out of your life?

Jesus says that we are to offer our brother forgiveness no matter how many times they have wronged us, so with every ounce of grace that my human heart can offer, I try to do this. Now, I have not taken the time to research the Bible thoroughly on what I am about to say, so I stand ready to be corrected. When Jesus was talking about forgiveness I do not think that he was implying that just because we forgive someone that they need to be a continued part of our lives. I think that the area of forgiveness is vital to moving on and to healing, but this by no means gives the individual a “get out of jail free” card. The first couple times, maybe, but after the same individual continues hurting you in the same way over and over again, I think the remorse of their actions can be called into question.

This is where the separation between forgiveness and reconciliation becomes very clear to me.

Whether they are remorseful or not, whether they deserve it or not, forgiving the person is still key for our own healing and you need to do it for yourself, not for them. The wound will not heal without forgiveness… the anger will live in your heart and you will carry it with you, allowing it to cause possible damage to other relationships. So it is clear that we should always forgive, if only for our own gain, but when do we choose that reconciling is no longer an option?

When do you draw that line and say that they no longer have the right to be a part of your life? Unfortunately there is no rule book and it is entirely subjective to the situation and the relationship. For me this point comes when I realize that forgiveness is difficult, or almost impossible, and that trust is broken completely.

I am having an incredibly difficult time letting go of some very deep hurts by a friend and I am unsure of how to proceed. I want this person in my life but I feel they are not sorry for how they have wronged me and because of that a deep sadness clings to their name.

I did not realize how hurt I still was until a mutual friend flat out told me, they “used you”… and while I had thought this many times in my own mind, having a mutual friend who knows us both well felt like being doused with ice water. So my dilemma is: how do you reconcile still being friends with someone who used your love and friendship in the worst way possible? Who used your love and friendship against you time after time for their own gain? Right now, with how I feel, I’m not sure that I can. This friend has apologized when they have wronged me, but now in retrospect those apologies feel flimsy as they continued to hurt me in the same way. Which, sidebar: A person who is really sorry will not continue to hurt you in the same way repeatedly. A truly apologetic heart will lead the person to change their actions so as to not make the same mistake twice, or will at least make a sincere attempt to not.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me… that’s the saying anyway… but how does that continue on for the third, fourth, fifth, et cetera time? At what point do you stop kicking the dead horse and accept that the friendship is better off being over? At what point does hearing "I'm sorry, I love you" from them stop meaning something, or should stop meaning something? As I’ve said in previous posts, love without actions is dead, and I would strongly argue that someone who loves you would not continue to use you… I think I can get an Amen to that from the majority.

My problem is that I tend to love quite fiercely; I’m loyal to the core and once I have accepted you into my life it is incredibly hard for me to let you go; therefore I will continue to fight for friendships long past the point that others think that I “should”, loving people deeply who may not necessarily “deserve” it.

Reconciling is deeper than forgiveness because while forgiveness is a necessary component, it also ties in understanding… and I don’t know how to make sense of or reason this situation. I’ve spent many times in prayer asking God for wisdom about this, and I know he wants me to forgive, but perhaps reconciliation is not in the cards. I feel as though there is a giant road block and I simply cannot get there.

The truth is I cannot reach reconciliation on my own. In this case particular case, and probably many cases of resentment, it requires the individual to put in the work and to help remove the road block, showing effort that they still want the relationship too.

However, until that happens, I should probably look for that detour marked forgiveness so as to move on. And perhaps one day that friend will repair the road of reconciliation, at which point I will gladly walk upon it.