Coming Out of the Non-Gay Closet

Shame is crippling; it binds you and holds you captive. It isolates and demoralizes you from dealing with the problem because you feel incapable of reaching out for help. Fear of what people will think gives shame its' power and control; day in and day out you become a slave to the secret that you keep.

No more.

To neutralize the playing field and shrug off the shame there is one thing you can do to get rid of it... expose it.

For over ten years I have struggled with eating disorders, primarily bulimia, but also anorexia and binge eating. This was exposed to my family and several friends 7 years ago and I went to therapy to deal with it. I was "clean", if you will, for about 6 months and then I reverted back to old habits. Food became my outlet... after a stressful or emotional day I would kill a bag of chips and 1/2 gallon of ice cream without even thinking about it. Every day I have struggled with it, and every time I sit down to a meal I have thought about it.

It's no secret that I am not a very confident person, having little self-esteem in my few talents, and it wasn't long before my self-loathing sent me into a downward spiral that I could no longer control. I felt like such a hypocrite, being a personal trainer, preaching the good news of health and fitness, while in the privacy of my own home would make myself throw up until I saw blood in the toilet bowl. Afterwards I would sit on the floor and just cry... letting the shame wash over me, and telling myself that tomorrow would be different.

But the problem was that tomorrow was never different, maybe for a few days I would be ok, but then the next couple weeks would be a massacre of wrecking havoc on my body. It was a cycle that I didn't know how to break. I didn't know how to love myself to stop.
I have had a few friends try and help me, but found myself feeling like a burden over time and reverted to keeping it a secret and not divulging what was happening behind closed doors.

A little over a month ago I attempted to qualify for the Boston Marathon and after failing, I realized that I would never be able to accomplish this goal, or any of my fitness goals, if I continued to do this. I also knew that with the regularity that it was becoming, that if I didn't stop then I was going to die from it. I knew that I couldn't do it on my own... I knew that I needed accountability and even though I was terrified to do it, I knew that I needed to trust someone with my secret.

I remember texting a friend that night, right in the moment that I decided that accountability was the key, and I told her, "I have to tell you something serious tomorrow... do NOT let me out of it." She admitted curiosity as to what I was going to tell her but texted me back, "Ok," and she followed thru the next day. I cried as I told her, but she just said, "Let's take care of this. What do you need me to do?" We set up a game plan where she would check in with me and I gave her free reign to monitor what I was eating. I followed suit with another friend and she did the same. Almost every day they would ask me, "What day is it?" and while I would love to say that every time they asked me, that the number grew, there were times when I would embarrassingly look away and say, "Day one..." but without judgment and with only thoughts and care for my health and well being they would ask what happened and how can we fix it.

Today is Day 30... it is the first time that I have gone a month being "clean" in several years. I'm posting this because I want shame to go eff itself and I am proud for showing strength and resolve in an area I wasn't sure I could conquer. After completing 30 days I realize that this is something that I will always carry with me... it will always be a part of me and who I am... it is part my story... my testimony... and it is something that I do not need to be ashamed of.

I know that without my girls I would NOT be here... they have allowed me to lean on them and have encouraged me so much during this time. They tell me all the time that I'm worth it... something that I don't really believe myself yet, but that I'm working on.

I want to say two things really quick... A) I am sorry if you are hurt by this because I did not confide in you about it, or if I have lied to you about it. If I did not confide in you it does NOT mean that I do not trust you, it just demonstrates the hold that this disorder had on my life and the amount of shame that I carried. B) Please do not talk to me about this in person... feel free to write and leave comments, but I am not ready to talk to people about this openly. Yes  yes, it's ironic since I am posting this on a public website, but this is my way throwing off my shame and I would ask that you respect my wishes until I’m ready.

I find that everyday has its new challenges, and like a climber on a cliff face, one small, but wrong, deviation could send me straight back down to the bottom.
Confronting what we are most ashamed of or what we struggle with most is humbling because it requires a transparency and trust that people are not going to judge you for it. I believe Dr. Suess says it best: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Hiding the secret will not make it easier and it will not make it go away... it will fester and like an infection will seep into other areas slowly poisoning your life. Everyday people struggle with demons and try and deal with them on their own, and while few are successful, the rest fall victim, day after day after day.

Break the cycle... show courage and reach out... if people judge it is because they are suffocated by their own cowardice to face their own issues. They sulk in their jealousy and bitterness that someone else can demonstrate the bravery necessary to rise above and overcome.

Show heart.
Be strong.
Be brave.
Be courageous.
Be you.