I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm stubborn

I'm sorry I get distracted

I'm selfish and opinionated

I know I'm a handful

Sometimes I get insecure and paranoid,

and I'm oh so sorry

This is me, take it or leave it,

my love will leave you beggin' for more

don't deny these things

lay out the welcome mat for my many apologies

I'm sorry I'm so controlling

and I never take you seriously

I'm sorry I laugh too loud and

I wear my heart on my sleeve

I'm sorry I can be sensitive

and I can be oh so hardheaded...and hardhearted

This is me, take it or leave it,

my love will leave you beggin' for more

don't deny these things

lay out the welcome mat for my many apologies

I'm sorry for my addictions

I'm flawed and filled with imperfections

I'm checking bags and

I'm never satisfied

I'm sorry I'm never wrong

and that it's always your fault

This is me, take it or leave it,

my love will leave you beggin' for more

don't deny these things

lay out the welcome mat for my many apologies

The love I'll give you will be worth it, you'll see

I'll stand by your side, make you feel like the man that you are

like the man you want to be

I'm sorry but this is me...

Take it or leave it baby, cause this is me

Honesty...really

On Thanksgiving (which btw was AWESOME!) whilst having a particularly... ummm... brutal conversation, I exclaimed, "That's mean!" The response I received, was merely, "No, it's honest, and honesty is the best policy. Isn't it?" I agreed, while making several amendments in my head, as I tend to be quite open and honest about things that I am thinking and feeling... but then that begs the question... is honesty ALWAYS the best policy?

I don't think that anyone would disagree that honesty is a valued quality in a person. But in relationships, whether it be a friendship, a significant other, a family member, a coworker, there are certain situations where baring all, so to speak, can be tricky. I think that the key is normally handling honesty with a bit of tact (or a LOT of tact).

I think where I struggle with honesty is that sometimes just because it is honest, doesn't mean that it should be shared. There are many things that go thru my head and I try to filter myself as best as possible (I know, I know... my filter has very large holes). I have the hardest time holding my tongue if I feel like my toes have been stepped on, or my feelings have been hurt... or if I am mad... or if I am frustrated... or if I am confused... ok... so there are a myriad of situations where this may apply, but the same principle applies to each situation. There is a vulnerability in being honest, and some people are not to be trusted with our deepest emotions. I have learned this throughout the years having some of my most intimate convictions be tread on and thrown to the metaphorical wolves.

Maybe it is a girl thing, or maybe a personality thing (please someone tell me that they are like this too!), but when I am feeling hurt, I want to get EVERYTHING out of my system. It's like word vomit (thanks, Mean Girls), whether I like it or not, it's coming out. But now I try to be better about who I word vomit to... a trusted friend (puzzle pieces unite!) is often mine. She is my voice of reason and I can tell her anything. She sees the ugliest parts of my heart, but she doesn't judge, instead she loves and accepts me as a whole. She hears it all tho, and it allows me that outlet without having to vent directly to the person responsible (or who I feel is responsible) for how I feel.

Regrettably, I know that my big mouth (still working on that finer filter), in an effort to be honest, has hurt many and I have to live with that. All I can do is continue to walk that tightrope, trying to be honest, but not hurt myself or others in the process.

Clear as mud, eh?

Square One

Falling back

Wondering how I got here

Seeing the old, feeling the cold

it feels so natural to be back here, but I know its not where I belong

I'm my own worst enemy

Pieces of time, falling together

just cause it's easy don't make it right

delusion, confusion, illusion

all lead me back here

back to square one

Mistakes but not regrets

memories I'll always have

forever part of my heart, always part of my life

pain will fade to gray till only love remains

Pieces of time, falling together

just cause it's easy don't make it right

delusion, confusion, illusion

all lead me back here

back to square one

This place feels familiar

Dim the lights on this reality

wishing things were different when I'm here

when will I finally have the strength to move on

Pieces of time, falling together

just cause it's easy don't make it right

delusion, confusion, illusion

all lead me back here

back to square one

It's time to move on

Relieved... I think

As many, or most, of you know, the Boo and I received the wonderful news that his scans came back negative (which is positive) and that the cancer is gone. With a giant, shuddering breath I lift my eyes to Heaven and thank the Lord for this incredible blessing. Cue the happy music, the bright lights, the optimism and hope, and the storybook ending, right?

Hmmm....

Still waiting.

How frustrating (haha- that rhymes).

I know that I can't expect everything to snap back into place instantly, but I thought that at the very least I would feel peace, relief, and hope to flood every part of me. That I would be ready to turn the page and start anew; a rebirth, a fresh start.

Then why am I still staring at the same, damn page?

It is not a page of fear or even of cancer... it is this ugly page that has become my life (whoa dramatic)... perhaps even a picture of how I see myself. It's like trying to live a life you've forgotten. I can't clearly remember the cadence of my life prior to August. I know that there was an easy flow, a natural rhythm; a thumping bass that coursed thru my veins. That melody is gone.

But the beat is still in me. I can feel it. It's like an undercurrent pulling me along, supplying the undertones to my life that I am barely aware of. But I can already tell that it is different... the melody... it isn't the same. Not in a bad way, but in the same way that you hear a song that you LOVED in high school, but now realize that maybe wasn't so cool (MMM-Bop, anyone?). Not saying that it wasn't a good song in it's time (well, to be clear, in the case of MMM-Bop, it really never was a good song) but that your tastes have changed.

The melody of my past will always carry a heavy nostalgic quality, but it is not the song of my future. Over the next couple of months, years, or however long it takes, I am looking forward to writing the new song... the new melody of my life.

Heartache

Draw close to me, put me back under your spell

I love getting lost in those brown eyes

but just like that you hurt me, push me away,

and forget me

I try to leave, but then I miss you

I just want to be in your arms and kiss you

Boy, you're nothing but heartache

what has begun can't be undone

but where we are, there aint no freedom

touch me, hold me, kiss me, it feels so right

but I know its wrong

you say you love me, and I want to believe

but you've got me twisted and on my knees

Boy, you're nothing but heartache

what has begun can't be undone

but where we are, there aint no freedom

you have to let me go

holding on hurts too much

there aint nothing for us but heartache

when we let go we'll find our freedom

Complete?

As many of you know our journey with the chemo therapy is currently complete. This morning the Boo had his PET and CAT scans which will reveal whether or not the cancer is gone. The technicians said that we would hear back Monday or Tuesday the results of the test.

So here we are.

Feeling like we are at the end of this journey but still awaiting final peace to roll into our lives. These last couple of months have worn us... well... I won't speak for the Boo... me down. In the beginning is was easy to find hope, peace, and strength; but as time wore on those things began to slowly give way to fear, doubt, and insecurity.

The waiting is the worst.

At this point I know that I do not have the strength within me to feel like I KNOW that the cancer is gone. Whereas I feel like it is gone, I can't fully believe it is, in the odd chance that it isn't (make sense?). If the scans were to reveal that the cancer is still prevalent, and I had already taken hold of KNOWING that it was gone, I would reach a new low and would be completely broken.

Concerning this matter, I hope what I have is to be one last request of you.

As I know that many of you who read this have been praying for me and Billy, I would ask that you would specifically pray that his scans would come back negative for cancer, and that regardless of the results, He would fill us with His strength so that we are able to handle whatever comes next in our lives.

Thank you all for your love and support. I know that we, as well as you, hope that this chapter is to be over in our lives soon.

Love ya kiddos!

Cute Dentist Precaution

It should be a law that when people, well in my specific case, MEN, are applying to dental school, that a photograph be submitted and reviewed by a panel. This panel would decide if the person is indeed "too attractive" to be a dentist.

Before people freak out on me and talk about how I am being prejudiced and short sighted- let me explain.

I had the pleasure of going to the dentist this morning (clean bill of health you'll be happy to know). My dentist is is great. He is nice, personable, professional... and also handsome. Now I am a married woman, and I am not(let me repeat, NOT) attracted to him, but there is something about having someone who is attractive looking at you intently while you are... well... not quite looking your best.

There are many things that are not appealing about dentist appointment: the wide open mouth, the pooling spit, the scraping of plaque off your teeth, the prodding at your gums with sharp objects, and, my personal favorite, trying to answer his polite questions while his fingers are in your mouth... not exactly ideal conditions. With me you also get the lovely accommodation of being beet red in the face the whole time.

I never realized how embarrassing this situation is because, well... all of my dentists prior to this were either female, balding, or significantly older. Maybe other people are more mature and well adjusted than I am so they are not affected by something like this, but I wanted to throw this out there to see if anyone else ever felt this way.

Anyone... ANYONE?????