Tuesday, September 28, 2010

One Day at a Time

Where to start... God is good... we'll start there.

Within a day... scratch that... HOURS of writing my last blog I felt so deeply encouraged by the Lord. I took a long walk on the beach that night (which, by the way is sorta creepy when you are by yourself at 10 pm) and just listened to the water. I love the sound of the waves crashing. That probably sounds poetically cheesy, but I do love it. I think its mysterious, powerful, and romantic. I stood there alone on the beach, facing the ocean (with the breeze in my hair... book cover in the making, no? But I wasn't in a dress that bared too much cleavage, or ripped up to my thigh, and Fabio wasn't lurking in the background) and I was aware of just a few things, but the main thought was just a simple, "It's ok." Astonishing and profound I know. Between reflecting and furtively looking over my shoulder (STRANGER DANGER) I felt like I was ready to start hearing the encouragement that I knew friends and family were waiting to give me.

And yes, you heard (read?) me correctly- I was ready to hear encouragement. Tuesday I was not in a place for such a thing. Ie when the Hubs so gently tried to lift my spirits I flippin' flipped out on him. God bless him... I can be so terrible sometimes! :) But that's where I was, and if there is one thing you can count on is that I am honest and I will tell you AAAAAALLLLL about it should you not tread so lightly... (maybe that's something I should work on?) Tuesday night I wanted to cry and to be sad and I didn't want to be happy. But by about midnight that night, I was ready.

The next day I had a good conversation with a dear friend from work (PUZZLE PIECE!) and she had some great input. She first reminded me that I have plenty of time, and then she also reminded me that once I have kids, I will have them FOREVER. This fact, stated so succinctly, has clearly been known to me as I don't plan on shucking my kids a few years after I have them, but it got me thinking. With this fresh in my mind, I am still ready to have my family, but instead of longing for the future, have embraced my current freedom. Because, let's face it, once you have kids your life is never the same. Granted, children could quite possibly be the greatest blessing you will ever receive (other than Jesus- don't get all technical on me people!), but your life does change and having kids is not reversible (are you all horrifically scared for my children, now?).

Just one day at a time... that's where I am. Waking up everyday, living in the moment, and trying desperately (and failing sometimes too) to live my life for God.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mourning

Before I continue to write today's blog, I want to add a preface... probably a preface that will seem unfair to some of my readers.


I write this blog as openly and honestly as I can; revealing corners of my heart which rarely see the light of day. In writing it I am aware that I invite you all into my personal life. Here is my request: Please do not talk to me about what you read here. Please feel free to comment as you wish, but understand that sometimes what I write here, is difficult for me to talk about, and that is why I write. Writing comes as easily and naturally to me as breathing, and therefore when my life takes a tumultuous turn, I quickly turn to writing as an outlet.


I do apologize if this offends anyone because that is not my intention. I merely say it to guard my heart, and to perhaps save you from a rather uncomfortable conversation that may dissolve me into tears and snot. :) Onto the blog...


Mourning... everyone does it differently.

This past week we got some of the best news we could ask for; Billy's chemotherapy has been very successful and the cancer is being eradicated from his body. Billy had a follow-up appointment with the doctor to discuss what exactly this meant as far as the rest of his treatment went, and he will finish his chemo but then will most likely go into remission. I was elated, and then Billy told me something else that his doctor said.

I had asked Billy to see when we would be able to start trying for kids again, trusting that he won't be infertile, and the doctor said that ideally we should wait a year from the end of his chemotherapy... so November 2011 we can start trying.

I was crushed.

Many of you don't know that I have been yearning to be a mom for the past two years, and just last November Billy told me that we could start trying. Then in March he was diagnosed with cancer and all baby plans were put on hold. I know to read this, unless you have been in my place, my situation seems small and insignificant.

Has your heart ever been so focused on something that everything else seemed like an unnecessary distraction? That is what mommy-hood means to me. To convey what I'm feeling, would be to convey a broken heart. I feel crushed, downtrodden, and so frustrated. I feel like I am standing on a cliff face, staring down at my future, and there is no way to reach it. Just standing there, utterly bewildered at how I am ever going to get there.

The other part of a broken heart is that incredible sense of loss. Physically I never had anything to lose, but I did lose the vision of me holding my baby next fall, celebrating my baby's first holiday season... These are the things I mourn. I mourn for my aching heart that is so resolutely living in my future.

So I cry... that's how I mourn. I don't get angry, I just feel sad. And eventually the peace and truth of God will wash over me and I will accept that my life is exactly where God wants it to be right now. So you see, in my mourning my faith is not lost... I know that my God is a good God. He has a plan for my future, has perfect timing, and loves me more than I will ever know. Right now I pray, and cry, and pray, and cry some more, all the time knowing that God is moving, and that God fulfills his promises.

One day, one perfect day, I will be with my children and I will understand why it was necessary for me to be in this place at this time.

And on that perfect day, God is going to teach me to base jump and I will jump off that cliff and plummet into my future.