The flower that was once beautiful and emitted such an enticing fragrance begins to slowly wilt and die. You manage to salvage a good seed and as you stare at the small seed in your palm, so empty, so lifeless, you begin to wonder what, if anything, it will produce. With faith you plant it, giving it the love and attention it deserves and you wait... and you wait... One day, you see the small stem protruding from the soil, and hope is restored.
Watching that flower die is awful, as you are powerless to save it; especially when it isn't a flower at all, but it is in fact your marriage that you are watching die a slow and painful death. There was a time during my separation (and subsequent divorce) where numbness is all that existed to me. Everything is numb because if you allowed yourself to feel, you would only be tossed about and crushed by the tidal wave of emotions, and nothing would remain. Starting to feel again hurts at first, like when you shove your hands in front of a fire after playing too long in the snow. Blood circulates into the fingertips and at first it aches and stings, but eventually it starts to feel normal again. And even tho your hands are now warm and basking in the fire, your brain still remembers the pain. And this is the moment that THE fear crosses your mind for the first time.
For those of you who have not been lucky enough (HA) to endure a divorce or an ending of a longterm partnership, I shall explain THE fear for you. No matter the circumstance of the relationship dissolution, there is always this fear that lurks in the back of your head that says, "Well, this is it... you had your chance at the life you wanted and it's gone." It is an incredibly lonely and sad place to be, because even if you feel like the decision made was the right one, as I did, you feel like you missed the bus, and you are doomed to just stand at that bus-stop for the rest of your life.
Then one day, you remember the seed that was salvaged. You look at it warily and remember THE fear. But, maybe in a bold moment, maybe subconsciously, maybe angrily, you plant it. There is a place deep in your heart that hopes it blossoms, but to the world you uphold a facade saying that you don't care, you are happy and fulfilled with your life as it is.
I'm not sure when I planted the seed but I remember when I saw the stem come out of the ground.
I had been separated for over a year, and my divorce was final when a close friend, my Favorite, approached me and quite plainly told me that he was interested in dating me. I remember feeling shocked and very surprised but after we chatted for a bit, I told him I would need to think about it a little bit.
Long story short, I thought about it and decided that it was worth trying. Now hear me out, I realize that sounds self centered or selfish, but the reason I needed to be SURE that it was worth trying was because this was a VERY good friend and I knew that dating him would ultimately end our friendship if things didn't work out, and I wasn't willing to give up his friendship without a second thought.
Things went better than I expected when we started dating. I found that our friendship translated easily into a relationship where communication was strong and we genuinely enjoyed being together. We had been dating for about a month and I knew I was in love with the Favorite, and every time I thought about how I loved him, THE fear reminded me that I'd lost my chance.
The Favorite and I went to an event one day after we had been dating a little over a month, and I'll never forget (he may not even remember) when the following happened:
Favorite turns to me: "Hey, I'm gonna go get some food, do you want anything?"
Me: "No, I'm ok, thanks tho."
Favorite: "Ok, I love you... I'll be right back"
Me stammering and bug eyed: "Ok"
*Quick kiss*
After he said I love you, I think he realized that he said it... like had REALLY said it... and not entirely on purpose even tho he had meant it (the sweat that I SWEAR I saw break out on his forehead was a tiny indication of panic). Through out our friendship we had told each other "I love you", but when we started dating that stopped due to the foot that could potentially be inserted into the mouth. Before you start chastising me for not saying it back let me say that the only reason I didn't say it back was because I was just too shocked and flabbergasted... I guess you could say he took the words out my mouth.
But I remember watching him walk away and that was when my heart allowed the seed to sprout. The fear, while it still existed, was banished to a far corner of my mind, and the roots of a new beginning began to take hold and grow.
It has taken me a long time to write about this, especially details regarding the divorce, because there is a harsh stigma that also comes with my moving on. There are many who feel that divorce was not the option, and while they are entitled to their opinion, they are not the judge of my life. The ultimate and only judge that matters looks down on me with pleasure and smiles at my joy. I know this because through out the entire process I carefully prayed and sought him, and when the time came to make a decision, I felt peace.
I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I am happy and deeply in love with my best friend. I know that I am in a healthy and nourishing relationship to my heart and soul and mind. I know that I am watching that seed I dared to plant turn into something amazing.
THE fear is wrong... I am worthy and deserving of a future and of the life that I once imagined myself having. Which is why, by the grace of God, I am so thankful for my Second Chance with my Favorite.
