Progress Report

I can't begin to say how much I have absolutely cherished all of your comments, letters, and messages... they mean so much to me. Your support is invaluable and know that remaining accountable to you all has pushed me thru some dark moments to get to this lovely number: Day 45.


FORTY-FIVE! Truth be told I wanted to wait to give an update till day 50 but since I value instant gratification as much as the next person, I said, "I do what I want," and here we are.

Everyday is still a struggle but there are days where I think about it much less, and there are days that I feel I need to glue my ass to a chair so as to not enter the kitchen. I am currently going thru my lovely PMS cycle so it's been a rough couple of days. For my lady readers I'm sure that elaboration is not really needed...Gentlemen... allow me to explain.

The reason this week SUCKS so hard is three-fold:
1.) The Bloat: during this period (no pun intended) the tummy tends to pooch as we retain water. My tummy also treats this week like there is an embargo on CO2 so it must retain as much as possible. Thus making me feel fat and generally unattractive. For all women, this sucks (bloating is physically uncomfortable too btw... basically feels like you haven't taken a poo in a week... yes graphic but if there's a feeling that guys can relate to- it's that), however if you are a woman with a poor body image this sucks even more because it messes with your head immensely, because while you are not really "fatter", the pooch that appears when I sit down begs to differ.
2.) The Crave: So already feeling fat you would think that during this week you would just eat as clean as possible and it'll all be fine, right? Well, not exactly. Typically because of hormone spikes the body just wants food... and it's not exactly wanting you to order that grilled chicken spinach salad... it's probably leaning more toward that plate of chili cheese fries with a brownie sundae for desert. That being said I want to eat everything in sight and controlling what I eat has been incredibly difficult. Luckily I successfully polished off the bag of M&M's last night (a normal amount I promise) so I won't have to face those again, but I also crave salty things during this week. You know what salt does? Yup- causes more bloating... so I was already feeling like a beached whale, but now that I've eaten like crap and thus caused more bloating, I now feel like a dead beached whale (have you ever seen a bloated whale? Disgusting...). What's crazy is that I know that I can't have changed that much in a few days, but in my mind I just KNOW that I'm edging in on auditioning for the Biggest Loser. Thus my third point...
3.) The Irrational: I like being an even-keeled person; I tend to be generally happy and content. And even while PMSing I tend to be this way...for the majority...however... without rhyme or reason the most minute detail can transform me into a sobbing mess, or an angry crazy person. As my level headed attitude is temporarily hijacked, my emotions tend to run a bit wild like college girls on spring break. Eating disorders are typically linked emotionally, and since my emotions have been hormonally compromised this week, it has been a constant struggle to remain level headed and stay on track.

I think you can do the math: Bloat + Eating Crappy + Poor Body Image + Cray Hormones = train wreck waiting to happen. But so far I've survived, and I think that I'll get thru the rest of this week without incident. Some notable things that I can now do again that I couldn't before:

1.) Keep sweets in the house: for awhile I literally could not keep ANYTHING in the house, and you are now looking at someone who can keep icecream in her freezer and it actually LASTS for more than a week!
2.) I can bake again. I love baking for people and just a few days ago was the first time that I was able to bake and feel good about it. There were times that I would start baking cookies, cupcakes, or brownies for work or a party and would actually have to make two batches because I would eat most or all of the first one. It is so nice to be able to do something that I love again. I did make sure that I wasn't alone while baking tho, so I'm not entirely past it, but for me it was a giant milestone.
3.) Guilt free treats. Whether it's nachos, fries, a dessert, or another glass of wine, I am now able to enjoy it and not feel that heavy guilt that used to accompany it. There is still a line that would be easy for me to cross, so I am still very aware of what I am eating and choosing to do, but now if I ask myself, "Are you gonna be ok if you eat this?" If the answer is yes, it really is ok.

So that's me right now... I'm happy and healthy and cruising on. I am also dealing with and healing from the scars that initiated and perpetuated my problem which has been challenging but incredibly rewarding. I think the truth has finally been beaten thru my thick skull that I can't let my scars define me. I will carry them with me, and over time the scars fade, but the scars will remain, so that from time to time, I can look at them and remember their pain so as to not be scarred in the same way twice.

Cheers everyone.

FREEDOM

Verse 1:

Standing on this battle ground looking all around
Nothing but wreckage and loss remains
My hands are bloodied and my heart is racing
Don’t look back
No I won’t look back


I feel it coming on
Like a wild rushing wind in my ears
Like a raging fire burning bright
Like a might wave crashing on the beach
I feel that release that I’ve been waiting for


CHORUS:


And for the first time I’m breathing deep
Not the toxins that for so long suffocated me
Held me down, held me captive, made me his
I’m breathing your sweet breath of life
Your breath gives me hope, gives me strength
And you make this life worth living
You’ve given me freedom


Verse 2:


All this time I felt so alone
Crawling through this barren wasteland
All I wanted was saving, I just didn’t see your hand
Not knowing, not seeing that you were always right there


I was too blind because I wanted something else
The darkness called to me and made me it’s slave
Have you ever looked in the eyes of evil and lived to tell the tale?
Have you stared down your demons and come out on top?


CHORUS


Bridge:


For the first time I’m smiling, but not to hide the pain
For the first time I’m looking in the eyes of a future
The eyes that that showed me love
Now I’m safe in your arms of love
There’s no more chains


CHORUS


Note from Me: This song was very freeing to write as I have recently overcome something that was such a powerful hold on my life for so long. Thank you Jesus for seeing me thru...

RECONCILING

Often it is the people closest to you that hurt you the most, intentionally or unintentionally, it happens. In the greater scheme of things, the person normally feels genuine remorse and you forgive them and you move on. In some instances you may find that the grievance feels too large and that you are unable to get past it and therefore the relationship is over. As humans we cannot forget how people have hurt us, therefore if we choose to forgive someone for something then it must be a daily decision to forgive them so as to not hold it over their heads, and to not allow the seeds of bitterness to plant.

Have you found that some people are just poison to your life? Week after week they let you down, disappoint and hurt you, lie to you and offer their friendship only when it is convenient for them. These inherently selfish individuals know only how to truly love themselves and use people’s friendships to feel better about themselves. I find that with these relationships there is not a lot of middle ground; things are either really great or they are really bad. This mostly hinges on the mood of the person, depending on how much energy they are choosing to invest into the relationship at that time. So what do you do with these types of friendships? Do you stop offering forgiveness? Do you cut them out of your life?

Jesus says that we are to offer our brother forgiveness no matter how many times they have wronged us, so with every ounce of grace that my human heart can offer, I try to do this. Now, I have not taken the time to research the Bible thoroughly on what I am about to say, so I stand ready to be corrected. When Jesus was talking about forgiveness I do not think that he was implying that just because we forgive someone that they need to be a continued part of our lives. I think that the area of forgiveness is vital to moving on and to healing, but this by no means gives the individual a “get out of jail free” card. The first couple times, maybe, but after the same individual continues hurting you in the same way over and over again, I think the remorse of their actions can be called into question.

This is where the separation between forgiveness and reconciliation becomes very clear to me.

Whether they are remorseful or not, whether they deserve it or not, forgiving the person is still key for our own healing and you need to do it for yourself, not for them. The wound will not heal without forgiveness… the anger will live in your heart and you will carry it with you, allowing it to cause possible damage to other relationships. So it is clear that we should always forgive, if only for our own gain, but when do we choose that reconciling is no longer an option?

When do you draw that line and say that they no longer have the right to be a part of your life? Unfortunately there is no rule book and it is entirely subjective to the situation and the relationship. For me this point comes when I realize that forgiveness is difficult, or almost impossible, and that trust is broken completely.

I am having an incredibly difficult time letting go of some very deep hurts by a friend and I am unsure of how to proceed. I want this person in my life but I feel they are not sorry for how they have wronged me and because of that a deep sadness clings to their name.

I did not realize how hurt I still was until a mutual friend flat out told me, they “used you”… and while I had thought this many times in my own mind, having a mutual friend who knows us both well felt like being doused with ice water. So my dilemma is: how do you reconcile still being friends with someone who used your love and friendship in the worst way possible? Who used your love and friendship against you time after time for their own gain? Right now, with how I feel, I’m not sure that I can. This friend has apologized when they have wronged me, but now in retrospect those apologies feel flimsy as they continued to hurt me in the same way. Which, sidebar: A person who is really sorry will not continue to hurt you in the same way repeatedly. A truly apologetic heart will lead the person to change their actions so as to not make the same mistake twice, or will at least make a sincere attempt to not.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me… that’s the saying anyway… but how does that continue on for the third, fourth, fifth, et cetera time? At what point do you stop kicking the dead horse and accept that the friendship is better off being over? At what point does hearing "I'm sorry, I love you" from them stop meaning something, or should stop meaning something? As I’ve said in previous posts, love without actions is dead, and I would strongly argue that someone who loves you would not continue to use you… I think I can get an Amen to that from the majority.

My problem is that I tend to love quite fiercely; I’m loyal to the core and once I have accepted you into my life it is incredibly hard for me to let you go; therefore I will continue to fight for friendships long past the point that others think that I “should”, loving people deeply who may not necessarily “deserve” it.

Reconciling is deeper than forgiveness because while forgiveness is a necessary component, it also ties in understanding… and I don’t know how to make sense of or reason this situation. I’ve spent many times in prayer asking God for wisdom about this, and I know he wants me to forgive, but perhaps reconciliation is not in the cards. I feel as though there is a giant road block and I simply cannot get there.

The truth is I cannot reach reconciliation on my own. In this case particular case, and probably many cases of resentment, it requires the individual to put in the work and to help remove the road block, showing effort that they still want the relationship too.

However, until that happens, I should probably look for that detour marked forgiveness so as to move on. And perhaps one day that friend will repair the road of reconciliation, at which point I will gladly walk upon it.

Coming Out of the Non-Gay Closet

Shame is crippling; it binds you and holds you captive. It isolates and demoralizes you from dealing with the problem because you feel incapable of reaching out for help. Fear of what people will think gives shame its' power and control; day in and day out you become a slave to the secret that you keep.

No more.

To neutralize the playing field and shrug off the shame there is one thing you can do to get rid of it... expose it.

For over ten years I have struggled with eating disorders, primarily bulimia, but also anorexia and binge eating. This was exposed to my family and several friends 7 years ago and I went to therapy to deal with it. I was "clean", if you will, for about 6 months and then I reverted back to old habits. Food became my outlet... after a stressful or emotional day I would kill a bag of chips and 1/2 gallon of ice cream without even thinking about it. Every day I have struggled with it, and every time I sit down to a meal I have thought about it.

It's no secret that I am not a very confident person, having little self-esteem in my few talents, and it wasn't long before my self-loathing sent me into a downward spiral that I could no longer control. I felt like such a hypocrite, being a personal trainer, preaching the good news of health and fitness, while in the privacy of my own home would make myself throw up until I saw blood in the toilet bowl. Afterwards I would sit on the floor and just cry... letting the shame wash over me, and telling myself that tomorrow would be different.

But the problem was that tomorrow was never different, maybe for a few days I would be ok, but then the next couple weeks would be a massacre of wrecking havoc on my body. It was a cycle that I didn't know how to break. I didn't know how to love myself to stop.
I have had a few friends try and help me, but found myself feeling like a burden over time and reverted to keeping it a secret and not divulging what was happening behind closed doors.

A little over a month ago I attempted to qualify for the Boston Marathon and after failing, I realized that I would never be able to accomplish this goal, or any of my fitness goals, if I continued to do this. I also knew that with the regularity that it was becoming, that if I didn't stop then I was going to die from it. I knew that I couldn't do it on my own... I knew that I needed accountability and even though I was terrified to do it, I knew that I needed to trust someone with my secret.

I remember texting a friend that night, right in the moment that I decided that accountability was the key, and I told her, "I have to tell you something serious tomorrow... do NOT let me out of it." She admitted curiosity as to what I was going to tell her but texted me back, "Ok," and she followed thru the next day. I cried as I told her, but she just said, "Let's take care of this. What do you need me to do?" We set up a game plan where she would check in with me and I gave her free reign to monitor what I was eating. I followed suit with another friend and she did the same. Almost every day they would ask me, "What day is it?" and while I would love to say that every time they asked me, that the number grew, there were times when I would embarrassingly look away and say, "Day one..." but without judgment and with only thoughts and care for my health and well being they would ask what happened and how can we fix it.

Today is Day 30... it is the first time that I have gone a month being "clean" in several years. I'm posting this because I want shame to go eff itself and I am proud for showing strength and resolve in an area I wasn't sure I could conquer. After completing 30 days I realize that this is something that I will always carry with me... it will always be a part of me and who I am... it is part my story... my testimony... and it is something that I do not need to be ashamed of.

I know that without my girls I would NOT be here... they have allowed me to lean on them and have encouraged me so much during this time. They tell me all the time that I'm worth it... something that I don't really believe myself yet, but that I'm working on.

I want to say two things really quick... A) I am sorry if you are hurt by this because I did not confide in you about it, or if I have lied to you about it. If I did not confide in you it does NOT mean that I do not trust you, it just demonstrates the hold that this disorder had on my life and the amount of shame that I carried. B) Please do not talk to me about this in person... feel free to write and leave comments, but I am not ready to talk to people about this openly. Yes  yes, it's ironic since I am posting this on a public website, but this is my way throwing off my shame and I would ask that you respect my wishes until I’m ready.

I find that everyday has its new challenges, and like a climber on a cliff face, one small, but wrong, deviation could send me straight back down to the bottom.
Confronting what we are most ashamed of or what we struggle with most is humbling because it requires a transparency and trust that people are not going to judge you for it. I believe Dr. Suess says it best: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Hiding the secret will not make it easier and it will not make it go away... it will fester and like an infection will seep into other areas slowly poisoning your life. Everyday people struggle with demons and try and deal with them on their own, and while few are successful, the rest fall victim, day after day after day.

Break the cycle... show courage and reach out... if people judge it is because they are suffocated by their own cowardice to face their own issues. They sulk in their jealousy and bitterness that someone else can demonstrate the bravery necessary to rise above and overcome.

Show heart.
Be strong.
Be brave.
Be courageous.
Be you.

Duly Noted

I'm currently on my flight back home to southern California after having the wonderful pleasure of watching my little brother graduate from college. The pride that I felt watching him accept his diploma was incredible.

The speaker at the ceremony was first lady Michelle Obama. Now, politics are far from my forte and generally speaking I could really care less about the subject overall. That being said, I like Michelle; she is poised, well spoken, and delivered her speech with charm and a self-deprecation that made her more relatable than I would have thought. Her speech was fairly run of the mill and nothing to call home about but there was something that she said that stuck out to me. She said to be present in the lives of those whom you love.

What does it mean to be present? To be present in someone's life there needs to be legitimate effort and intention about spending quality time. It means that you are an active and essential role in those people's lives. It means that you show genuine interest and care about what is going on in their lives.

Reading what it means to be present is difficult for two reasons: 1) I see where I am notably dropping the ball in areas with some of my loved ones, and 2) it becomes glaringly obvious as to how present some people want to be in mine, which therein causes me to question, do they really care about me?

Let's face it people, communication is not what it used to be... "liking" my facebook status isn't being present but sadly that is what has become the norm.

The Beatles sang that "all you need is love," and while I disagree with that statement intrinsically, I do think that love is a powerful gift that is vastly underused or expressed. We like to say, "I love you" and feel that should be enough, but the Bible states that faith without deeds(actions) is dead...couldn't the same be said about love? I would argue that if your actions do not show love for someone, then you don't love them because if you did then it would be worth the time and the effort to show them.

Being present takes effort, yeah I know we're busy...but when we look back on our life, wouldn't it be nice to know that you loved those around you with everything you had, with no regrets?

I'm not gonna remember the times that you commented on my twitter status, or even that YouTube link that you posted on my wall... I'm gonna remember the times that someone took my call in the middle of the night, or when I ran out of gas and someone drove out to help me, or someone bringing me my favorite coffee just because... I could go on but I think you get the idea (if not we may need to address other issues with you than "being present").

Be present and let your actions be the truth that bring your words to life.

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200 Dollars

Well, by the title of the post if you have not deduced I did not qualify for the marathon. I came in at a respectable 4:27 which I am happy with even tho I did not qualify. I could list off several reasons as to what went wrong and why it's not MY fault that I didn't qualify... but at the end of the day I didn't do it. I am so glad that I completed it tho and I am proud of myself for a new Marathon PR time.

One of my favorite parts of the day was getting to watch my friend (and training client) run across the finish line. I am sooo proud of her and she is a certified badass.

I know that one day I will qualify for Boston because I now have faith (well a little bit) in myself and my abilities and believe that I will be able to improve upon this by using it as a learning experience. However, that marathon will not be anytime soon... I need to fully forget how terrible running a consecutive 26.2 miles is... :)

The Road to Boston Part IV: GAME DAY

It is approximately 10 am as I begin to write this and if all goes according to my plan then I will be done with my marathon this time tomorrow. I take a drink of my coffee and then deeply exhale as relief washes over me that this will soon be over.

The journey to get here has been exhausting, both mentally and physically. There has certainly been athletic growth that has taken place; I’m no elite runner by any means, but I am faster than I have ever been and I am proud of that. There has also been a lot of mental and emotional growth for me throughout this process.

Qualifying for Boston was one of those dreams that you say without really thinking… or you say it and hope that no one hears you or remembers that you said it. For me it has always been an intangible dream that I never really thought that I could accomplish. I am often crippled by my less than average self esteem and because of it I am constantly held back. I have these moments of self confidence and then my doubts and insecurities creep up on me and devour those fleeting thoughts before I can really grasp them as truth.

Right now, in these final hours of preparation, I believe in my heavenly Father, who I know gave me the ability to do this, I believe in my friend’s judgment that I am capable of completing this, and I believe in my training. I trained hard. Yes, there were things I could have done much better, but I believe that I am properly trained to undergo this task. So tomorrow morning, when I am at mile 22 and hitting that wall, I will be able to rest (metaphorically speaking) in these beliefs and will know that I can do it.

If I don’t qualify, I will be disappointed… I think that’s normal and that anyone would be. However, for me at this point it’s about the journey… I have never pushed myself so hard to accomplish something, and at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter, because even if right now it’s just a small voice, there is a whisper in my heart that says, “I can do it.”

Normally I don’t name people by their real names in the blog but today I am going to. These people have stuck by me thru training sessions, thru tears, thru gripes and complaints and have offered countless words of advice, support, and encouragement over this time. Ryan and Jeremy: my coaches who always believe in me and push me well beyond my limits, but more importantly they are also my dear friends who patiently listened about my fears and concerns and helped me see past them. Shanna, Brandon, Emily, Heidi, and Christine: my cheer squad… you all have been soooo supportive and I knew just where to go whenever I needed a pick me up! I count you all as some of my closest friends and I love you so much! Adam and Chuck: my brothers from another mother… I couldn’t have done this without you guys and am so thankful that you’ll both be there on race day to root me on. I love you guys!!! There have been so many other friends who have rooted me on but listing EVERYONE would take forever, but your encouragement is not overlooked and I am very thankful for every single person.

Well… wish me luck… here goes nothing…

Just Breathe