Sometimes bad things happen.
Sometimes life doesn't go the way we would like it to.
Fortunately, this does not mean that life ceases... the world continues to turn and time ticks on... so the moments in which we feel fragile and broken pass and hopefully we take with the hard lessons the growth and wisdom that accompanies them. Heartache in this life in inevitable and the least we can do is learn from our circumstances and try and not make the same mistake twice.
I try to avoid learning hard way...unfortunately this is my current method. Insisting upon falling flat on my face and then looking around in bewilderment like, "What the poop just happened?" For those of you who snowboard, what I'm about to say will mean more to you than others... I feel like lately I have been catching my edge continually...getting violently tossed to the ground, wiping out in the worst way possible. After I shake it off, I unsteadily work my way to standing. Pushing through the pain I assess that while I might be pretty seriously bruised, there is no permanent damage.
I have just had a hard run and am currently riding the lift back to the top... what will happen? Will I find fresh powder and peacefully carve my way down the mountain? As one of my dear friends reminds me, we are the captain of our own ship (thanks puzzle piece) and therefore can sail into whatever waters we choose (bear with me as I know that I have switched metaphors at whiplash speed). I pray that I have the wisdom to choose the right waters, the right path, and at the end of the path find my safe harbor.
skinned knees
bleary eyes
wasted so much time believing senseless lies
not gonna waste tears on these goodbyes
get up get up
you're stronger than that
brush off those palms
no looking back
--Me
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Fragile
I'm having one of those mornings where I'm acting like the grumpy little baby who didn't get enough sleep and has a poopy diaper. I am cranky and frustrated but I'll still smile and laugh if you distract me from my current state. Unfortunately, once that distraction is gone I find myself slipping back into a painful state of mind.
After waking sometime in the wee hours this morning from a bad dream, I sat on the floor of my apartment, Lizzie resting in my lap, and I prayed...and I prayed... and I cried... and I prayed some more. It is times like this that I hate myself... so weak and fragile. Shame and disgust cause more tears to spill over and I just hope that in some form I am growing, learning, or at least take steps in the right direction.
As I sat and prayed I knew God was with me... but that peace I normally feel never washed over me, and as dawn's light pressed in through the blinds, I knew I was in for a long day. I feel as tho I am high on a mountain top, standing on the tiniest precipice that should I falter in any direction but the right one, I am doomed.
Life has to change...I know this. If life was dormant would it be life at all? Not much of one; that is certain. During change footfalls feel indeterminate, and each step is a risk that you are just hoping leads you to where you are supposed to go.
I take a deep breathe and am thankful that God has given me the ability to release frustration through writing, and maybe that is why I didn't feel that peace till now. As I bring this to a close, I still recognize how fragile life is, but I hold onto the things in life that I treasure and value... love, hope, joy and laughter. Life would be empty without these for me.
Through the haze and the dust I am doing my best to find that sure-footing, and while the road is precarious, I know that I must continue to walk... because going back is not an option.
"Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"
-Adele
After waking sometime in the wee hours this morning from a bad dream, I sat on the floor of my apartment, Lizzie resting in my lap, and I prayed...and I prayed... and I cried... and I prayed some more. It is times like this that I hate myself... so weak and fragile. Shame and disgust cause more tears to spill over and I just hope that in some form I am growing, learning, or at least take steps in the right direction.
As I sat and prayed I knew God was with me... but that peace I normally feel never washed over me, and as dawn's light pressed in through the blinds, I knew I was in for a long day. I feel as tho I am high on a mountain top, standing on the tiniest precipice that should I falter in any direction but the right one, I am doomed.
Life has to change...I know this. If life was dormant would it be life at all? Not much of one; that is certain. During change footfalls feel indeterminate, and each step is a risk that you are just hoping leads you to where you are supposed to go.
I take a deep breathe and am thankful that God has given me the ability to release frustration through writing, and maybe that is why I didn't feel that peace till now. As I bring this to a close, I still recognize how fragile life is, but I hold onto the things in life that I treasure and value... love, hope, joy and laughter. Life would be empty without these for me.
Through the haze and the dust I am doing my best to find that sure-footing, and while the road is precarious, I know that I must continue to walk... because going back is not an option.
"Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"
-Adele
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Weekend Away
This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to spend the weekend in Oregon with one of my dearest friends. Her hubby was out of town and graciously (or heavily persuaded depending on who you ask) paid for my flight so that I could assist her with her two darling boys (ages 4 months, and 2 years old). Needless to say the weekend was fantastic. Over lots of coffee, food, and wine, we laughed, cried, and laughed some more. There is something so comforting about a friend who can tell what you are thinking just by the expression on your face.
This post is merely just to say thanks to my wonderful lovie who puts up with all my shenanigans... you are such an amazing wife, mother, and friend and I love you!!!
This post is merely just to say thanks to my wonderful lovie who puts up with all my shenanigans... you are such an amazing wife, mother, and friend and I love you!!!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Let's Try This
I feel compelled to write so consider this my best effort. Not really sure what I can say, or what I am willing to express here, but I know that I need to write. Words are aching to be released from me...but now what to say...
The last time I posted was in April...to say that a lot has happened since April would be a "mild" understatement. For privacy purposes of parties involved I will not go into detail of what is going on, but rest assured that all parties are doing ok. During this time I have gone thru so many ups and downs, and I am happy to say that I have finally leveling out a bit...a bit. I have discovered some areas that I am incredibly weak, and I have discovered some ways I am incredibly strong... or stubborn... take your pick.
Today I am having a bit of a down day so tears have welled and threatened to spill over continually. So during my down days I like to reflect on things I have to be thankful for. My number one reason is always God... the strength, courage, and perseverance that He gives me is unfathomable and I know that I would not be living if it weren't for Him.
After God are my wonderful friends and family who love on me day in and day out even when I'm feeling so unlovable. Every single one of them has had to put up with a bit of crazy and for that I apologize. Below are some anonymous thanks to a few close (understatement) friends who have helped me tremendously during this time.
My Puzzle Piece, who listens to me when I'm being irrational and dramatic and has probably heard the same crap at least a thousand times... thank you for never giving up on me and always being a reality check. You see thru my mistakes and know who I am at the core, you speak truth and logic into every situation and anchor me when I feel myself slipping away.
My BRoll, my faraway friend who I wish was closer but is always there in a heartbeat and who will sit patiently on the other end of the phone line while I just cry and cry...thank you for being someone who knows me in and out and is always my number one supporter. You love me for who I am truly and you are always so supportive and encouraging.
My BBD, who can always make me smile and laugh in the face of adversity...thank you for always being there and offering a smile and a hug whenever I need it. It is our differences that I celebrate in as you offer a new and fresh perspective, and while we don't always see eye to eye, we love eachother and are there for eachother thru and thru and that's what matters.
My Angels, who have been placed between a rock and a hard place unfortunately, have handled the last couple months with such grace, understanding, and wisdom that it is hard for me to comprehend. I love you both so much and am (as usual) grateful for your impact in my life.
And lastly, and maybe mostly, to My Guard Dog, who has seen me at my worst during these months, knows every one of my secrets, but somehow manages to still love me...thank you doesn't begin to express what's in my heart. The strength and support that you have offered during this trying time is infinite. Thank you for your loyalty, your friendship, and your faithfulness...it is not overlooked and it is not taken lightly.
It is because of my wonderful friends that I feel like I can get up in the morning. It is because of them that I try to be a better person. And it is because of them that I keep forging ahead. I don't know what lies ahead, but with friends like these, I know that whatever comes my way, it's handled.
I am lucky... I am blessed... I am loved.
The last time I posted was in April...to say that a lot has happened since April would be a "mild" understatement. For privacy purposes of parties involved I will not go into detail of what is going on, but rest assured that all parties are doing ok. During this time I have gone thru so many ups and downs, and I am happy to say that I have finally leveling out a bit...a bit. I have discovered some areas that I am incredibly weak, and I have discovered some ways I am incredibly strong... or stubborn... take your pick.
Today I am having a bit of a down day so tears have welled and threatened to spill over continually. So during my down days I like to reflect on things I have to be thankful for. My number one reason is always God... the strength, courage, and perseverance that He gives me is unfathomable and I know that I would not be living if it weren't for Him.
After God are my wonderful friends and family who love on me day in and day out even when I'm feeling so unlovable. Every single one of them has had to put up with a bit of crazy and for that I apologize. Below are some anonymous thanks to a few close (understatement) friends who have helped me tremendously during this time.
My Puzzle Piece, who listens to me when I'm being irrational and dramatic and has probably heard the same crap at least a thousand times... thank you for never giving up on me and always being a reality check. You see thru my mistakes and know who I am at the core, you speak truth and logic into every situation and anchor me when I feel myself slipping away.
My BRoll, my faraway friend who I wish was closer but is always there in a heartbeat and who will sit patiently on the other end of the phone line while I just cry and cry...thank you for being someone who knows me in and out and is always my number one supporter. You love me for who I am truly and you are always so supportive and encouraging.
My BBD, who can always make me smile and laugh in the face of adversity...thank you for always being there and offering a smile and a hug whenever I need it. It is our differences that I celebrate in as you offer a new and fresh perspective, and while we don't always see eye to eye, we love eachother and are there for eachother thru and thru and that's what matters.
My Angels, who have been placed between a rock and a hard place unfortunately, have handled the last couple months with such grace, understanding, and wisdom that it is hard for me to comprehend. I love you both so much and am (as usual) grateful for your impact in my life.
And lastly, and maybe mostly, to My Guard Dog, who has seen me at my worst during these months, knows every one of my secrets, but somehow manages to still love me...thank you doesn't begin to express what's in my heart. The strength and support that you have offered during this trying time is infinite. Thank you for your loyalty, your friendship, and your faithfulness...it is not overlooked and it is not taken lightly.
It is because of my wonderful friends that I feel like I can get up in the morning. It is because of them that I try to be a better person. And it is because of them that I keep forging ahead. I don't know what lies ahead, but with friends like these, I know that whatever comes my way, it's handled.
I am lucky... I am blessed... I am loved.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Long over due...
I've been wanting to write for awhile but was either A) Busy, B) Procrastinating, or C) Avoiding. I could blame it on the first two but the truth lies closer to option C. My walls have been up and fortified lately and writing brings it all down; allowing me to feel a little more than I am comfortable with right now. I am quite good at compartmentalizing (or as a friend recently informed me, it's actually called "repression"...thanks psych101) and am able to function and live my life as I enjoy it to be. Well, I think the walls need to come down, but I'm just not sure what brick to bring down first.
In deciding to put on my big girl pants on this late night... well early morning, I ponder what to share. I find that lately it's difficult for me to open up at all and I cocoon myself in a shell of sarcasm and an arsenal of "I'm fine". To those of you who have cracked the exterior, I must give you props. To those of you who haven't, please don't take it personal and know that it is not intentional. I think that lately I am hurting on so many levels and in so many different areas of my life that it is easier to just go numb than to feel it all.
Blah... sorry folks... that's all I can give tonight. I wish I wasn't such a coward, and I wish that I wasn't so weak... but I am. I really am ok... but I do need your prayers... so if you pray... shoot one up for me.
That's my one brick I guess...
In deciding to put on my big girl pants on this late night... well early morning, I ponder what to share. I find that lately it's difficult for me to open up at all and I cocoon myself in a shell of sarcasm and an arsenal of "I'm fine". To those of you who have cracked the exterior, I must give you props. To those of you who haven't, please don't take it personal and know that it is not intentional. I think that lately I am hurting on so many levels and in so many different areas of my life that it is easier to just go numb than to feel it all.
Blah... sorry folks... that's all I can give tonight. I wish I wasn't such a coward, and I wish that I wasn't so weak... but I am. I really am ok... but I do need your prayers... so if you pray... shoot one up for me.
That's my one brick I guess...
Escape to Portland
I wrote this in my journal forever ago and just never posted it:
It seems like just yesterday I sat on a 737, gripping the armrests just a little more than normal, with gleeful expectation. As the plane descends I take in the beautiful landscape. Instead of feeling annoyed with the hazy mist that envelops the city, it wraps a warm blanket of nostalgia and comfort around me. I was home.
The biting winter wind quickly reminds me that I've lost my thick Oregon skin, living quite the spoiled life in Southern California for the last five years. I am warmly greeted first by my brother, who has graciously driven far out of his way to pick me up at the airport. And thus begins the next four days where I live the life of a charmed visitor; spending time with my family and friends, making the most of every moment and soaking each second in.
Now I stare sadly out the window, watching a city that I love, and desperately miss, grow smaller. I suppose this is where I would say that I cried, but I didn't. There were no glistening tears in my eyes, no sniffles, no alligator tears tumbling down my cheeks; just acquiescence that I was headed back to my daily routine. I had found it so easy to step out of my life and allow all my cares, worries, and problems to remain tucked safely away in Orange County. Unfortunately, as I contemplate my return, I am well aware that my left behind lovelies are waiting for me, eagerly awaiting the moment that they can glom back onto me. In fact, they are somehow managing this feat long distance as I begin to think of them.
I never really thought of myself as a runner... well physically yes, I love running... but I mean from my problems. If you know me well, you know that while I hate confrontation, I am willing to do it when need be in order to keep the peace (always the peacemaker). But I found myself on this trip just longing to stay... feeling like if I were to bring my life to Portland that I could somehow escape my problems and never confront them again. This is of course, ludicrous, as well as cowardly...but it is what I so desperately wanted to do.
I take a deep breath and try and gather my thoughts...not much is coming to me to be honest and a fear takes hold of my soul. Why can't I just be better? This is the question that I repeat over and over again in my head... and as the feeling of failure nestles down in its usual resting place, a sad sense of defeat overtakes me and this is where I begin to cry.
It seems like just yesterday I sat on a 737, gripping the armrests just a little more than normal, with gleeful expectation. As the plane descends I take in the beautiful landscape. Instead of feeling annoyed with the hazy mist that envelops the city, it wraps a warm blanket of nostalgia and comfort around me. I was home.
The biting winter wind quickly reminds me that I've lost my thick Oregon skin, living quite the spoiled life in Southern California for the last five years. I am warmly greeted first by my brother, who has graciously driven far out of his way to pick me up at the airport. And thus begins the next four days where I live the life of a charmed visitor; spending time with my family and friends, making the most of every moment and soaking each second in.
Now I stare sadly out the window, watching a city that I love, and desperately miss, grow smaller. I suppose this is where I would say that I cried, but I didn't. There were no glistening tears in my eyes, no sniffles, no alligator tears tumbling down my cheeks; just acquiescence that I was headed back to my daily routine. I had found it so easy to step out of my life and allow all my cares, worries, and problems to remain tucked safely away in Orange County. Unfortunately, as I contemplate my return, I am well aware that my left behind lovelies are waiting for me, eagerly awaiting the moment that they can glom back onto me. In fact, they are somehow managing this feat long distance as I begin to think of them.
I never really thought of myself as a runner... well physically yes, I love running... but I mean from my problems. If you know me well, you know that while I hate confrontation, I am willing to do it when need be in order to keep the peace (always the peacemaker). But I found myself on this trip just longing to stay... feeling like if I were to bring my life to Portland that I could somehow escape my problems and never confront them again. This is of course, ludicrous, as well as cowardly...but it is what I so desperately wanted to do.
I take a deep breath and try and gather my thoughts...not much is coming to me to be honest and a fear takes hold of my soul. Why can't I just be better? This is the question that I repeat over and over again in my head... and as the feeling of failure nestles down in its usual resting place, a sad sense of defeat overtakes me and this is where I begin to cry.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
My Book
Some of you may know that I started a book... probably about a year and a half ago. I have finally decided that enough is enough; no more excuses as to why I'm not working on it. I need to get it all down on paper. I have recently worked a rough chapter outline and decided that as a trial to see if my writing is enjoyed, I will post the first several chapters to my blog on a weekly basis.
One of my dreams is to be a published writer. I have always loved writing and have felt like I express myself well in the written word. My book has a serious note to it, but obviously, with me you can't expect it to be too serious without sarcastic or comedic undertones. As it is still a WIP (work in progress) I am still unsure as to how the book will even pan out, but I am excited to see.
I would love comments and feedback from those of you who read it. Please be brutally honest as I obviously won't have it edited, it will be in a very rough, draft-type format.
Stay tuned as I hope to have it up sometime this weekend. :)
Cheers!
One of my dreams is to be a published writer. I have always loved writing and have felt like I express myself well in the written word. My book has a serious note to it, but obviously, with me you can't expect it to be too serious without sarcastic or comedic undertones. As it is still a WIP (work in progress) I am still unsure as to how the book will even pan out, but I am excited to see.
I would love comments and feedback from those of you who read it. Please be brutally honest as I obviously won't have it edited, it will be in a very rough, draft-type format.
Stay tuned as I hope to have it up sometime this weekend. :)
Cheers!
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