Last

Tomorrow is the Boo's last chemo session. Strange how this just started in August, but I can't seem to remember anything outside of chemo-therapy. My life prior to it is a dim haze. Needless to say I am very much looking forward to this all being over and, God willing, soon it will be.

It is often in our valleys that we face who we really are. When push comes to shove, what surfaces? I must admit that over these last couple of months I have seen shades of me that I didn't think existed, and I am now working tirelessly so that they never again see the light of day. Not burying them, but eradicating them from my life.

Thank you all so much for your love, support and prayers through this difficult time.

Fool

In your arms I felt safe to stay

safe to play, safe to make my own way

to your bed I gladly went, led by your hand,

I thought I could trust.

I looked in your eyes, I'd met my match

never knew how wrong I was.

how quickly I've been cast aside,

I thought I meant more than that.

[chorus]

now I've played the fool

your words are nothing but smoke and mirrors

I wish you'd be the man I thought you were

but I'm the fool being left behind

Anger rises like the tide, shame takes over my soul

there's no shower to wash me clean

you've left me stained for all to see

[chorus]

how many will it take before I learn

how many times will I have to burn

i want to laugh and I want to love

but you've taken that too

[chorus]

you've taken it all

but I'll rise again

can't say the same for you

P.S.: Before I get tons of crazy messages just remember that as a writer I can write about my experiences as well as other people's... and that when I write about one thing, it may actually be about something else. Cheers! :)

Earthly Angels

Remember that part in the beginning of Cliffhanger where Stallone is going across that rope in the mountains and the girl falls? He is just holding her hand, her only chance of survival, her one lifeline ... and then of course he drops her...

My Angels would never let me fall.

Last night my blog started like this...

"To say that I am not doing so hot would be an understatement. My heart aches for so many reasons, and there are times when every breath feels like work. I look in the mirror and I wonder where that girl went... the girl who was so happy and carefree... the girl who was the first to laugh and the last to stop... the girl who could find reason and a silver-lining in all situations. She has apparently taken a hiatus of some sort, because the girl who stares back at me is not even a shadow of who I normally am.

The girl in the mirror looks sad, empty and desolate. I feel like I have been "jack o' lanterned" (yes, I just made that a verb), hollowed out and scooped dry (and with no toasted pumpkin seeds to look forward to!). I stick my tongue out at this girl (of course, she does it back) to show my distaste for her."

After typing that I sat staring at the screen not knowing how to proceed, and unwilling to reveal the darkest parts of my heart. Tears threatened my eyes and I blinked them back furiously. Not that the people I was with would have cared, in fact, they may have been relieved that at least I am allowing them to see partly through the shroud which has surrounded me for the last two weeks. But instead, I slide into an easy joking manner and we enjoy our favorite reality TV show.

Normally, this is why I love coming over Sunday nights; I LOVE the company, I love the show, and we laugh at (watermelon to the FACE!) and playfully berate the various teams. But tonight I have come for a deeper reason; I need to see my Angels. They are not yet home (they are actually at church, worshiping God as good Angels do) and I feel like if I don't see them soon that my heart will physically break into pieces.

Then they get home.

It's quite onerous to describe how I felt when I saw them without being completely cheeseball about it. But I guess it is what it is (something I have been saying a lot lately) and feel free to judge me all you want. :P

It was a physical release. Like a tight cord that had been binding me suddenly burst and I was free again. I gave them both hugs and already in my heart I knew that I was going to be ok. We didn't begin talking right away, but the amount of ease that I already felt was powerful. We began talking (after the Mother/Daughter team got voted off), and as I shared the gritty, nastiness of where I am right now, they were able to share wisdom, compassion, healing, and grace upon my tattered soul.

When I had arrived I felt frail, powerless, and hopeless. I left feeling faithful, committed, and strong; determination and hard resolve had arrived.

I share this for many reasons. (A) to be real about where I am at with ya'll, (B) to honor my precious friends whom I will never be able to thank enough, and (C) to encourage all of you who probably play the role of angels in your friends lives.

If you were to ask my beloved Angels what makes them so special, they would probably shrug and say, "Nothing." And therein lies the secret. My friends feel like they were merely being there for me, holding my hand and pulling me out of the proverbial mud. They don't realize that on some level they have saved my life.

I hope that as you have read this, you have thought of your own angels, and I hope that you reach out to them and let them know how they have touched your life. And on the flip side, I hope that you realize that you may very well be someone's angel and that when a time of need comes, you won't hesitate, but you will step in and be the friend that they need you to be.

My friends ( you know who you are!), I pray that God would bless you immensely. I pray this every day anyway, but as I reflect upon the gift that you gave me last night, it brings tears of gratitude to my eyes. There are not words to convey what you mean to me, and I know that knowing you has irreversibly transformed my life forever. You are part of my heart, and I love you both so dearly.

The Beach

Lately I have been going on walks... sometimes it starts with a phone date or I just feel like walking. But whenever I walk, my brain switches to auto pilot and I find myself heading to the same spot at the beach- by the pier either on the picnic benches, the swings, or in that vicinity (depending on if there are other people about).

I recently had a friend ask me, "What is it with you and your late night walks?" and so I told him that it started a long time ago with running late at night when I was upset or needed to burn off steam. But now, living so close to the beach, I just walk to the beach and stare out at the ocean. It allows me to clear my head and think.

What I failed to mention is that sometimes I go on these late night trysts alone so that I can cry. I HATE crying. And I don't mean the crying that probably most of you have seen me do where a few tears silently roll down my cheeks. I mean shoulder wracking, heart wrenching, loud sobbing, snotty nose, UGLY crying.

Depressing, huh?

I don't mean it to be.

The beach has become my therapist, where the moon observes, the waves offer their solace, and the breeze wraps its arms around me. I can't quite explain it, but lately I have felt so isolated and lonely, and unable to reach out to those who I know love me.

Tonight was such a night where I decided to walk and chat with my sister, filled my coffee tumbler with red wine, slipped on my rainbows (flip flops for those of you who are unfortunate enough to NOT know what "rainbows" are) and headed down to the beach. We chatted for about an hour and after we got off the phone I sat at the beach for about another hour.

I always start by fighting it, rationalizing in my head that things are really ok, that I have my faith and my hope and so I don't need to feel sad. Sad Holly doesn't like when Rational Holly comes out to play because then Sad Holly doesn't get to make her appearance. Sad Holly normally resolves to bring along her pal Insecurity to get Rational Holly to go away. And it works, Insecurity chases all rationale off the beach and I am left alone with my sadness and insecurities. And I cry. Often weeping for things that are not quite tangible to me, but the tears flow.

After I have been crying for awhile, Rational Holly recruits Hopeful Holly and Happy Holly; they slowly approach me, wondering from afar if I'm ready. The first wry smile appears on my lips as I think about how stupid I must look, and am at once thankful for the cover of darkness. With a bark of laughter at how silly I feel, the three break into a trot and come quickly up to me, shooing away Sad Holly and Insecurity, knowing that if they don't they could miss their window of opportunity. Hopeful Holly looks deep into my eyes, restoring my vision. Happy Holly does her best to make light of the situation, cracking inappropriate jokes. Rational Holly takes my hand and pulls me off the bench. "Go to bed," she says.

So I do.

One Day at a Time

Where to start... God is good... we'll start there.

Within a day... scratch that... HOURS of writing my last blog I felt so deeply encouraged by the Lord. I took a long walk on the beach that night (which, by the way is sorta creepy when you are by yourself at 10 pm) and just listened to the water. I love the sound of the waves crashing. That probably sounds poetically cheesy, but I do love it. I think its mysterious, powerful, and romantic. I stood there alone on the beach, facing the ocean (with the breeze in my hair... book cover in the making, no? But I wasn't in a dress that bared too much cleavage, or ripped up to my thigh, and Fabio wasn't lurking in the background) and I was aware of just a few things, but the main thought was just a simple, "It's ok." Astonishing and profound I know. Between reflecting and furtively looking over my shoulder (STRANGER DANGER) I felt like I was ready to start hearing the encouragement that I knew friends and family were waiting to give me.

And yes, you heard (read?) me correctly- I was ready to hear encouragement. Tuesday I was not in a place for such a thing. Ie when the Hubs so gently tried to lift my spirits I flippin' flipped out on him. God bless him... I can be so terrible sometimes! :) But that's where I was, and if there is one thing you can count on is that I am honest and I will tell you AAAAAALLLLL about it should you not tread so lightly... (maybe that's something I should work on?) Tuesday night I wanted to cry and to be sad and I didn't want to be happy. But by about midnight that night, I was ready.

The next day I had a good conversation with a dear friend from work (PUZZLE PIECE!) and she had some great input. She first reminded me that I have plenty of time, and then she also reminded me that once I have kids, I will have them FOREVER. This fact, stated so succinctly, has clearly been known to me as I don't plan on shucking my kids a few years after I have them, but it got me thinking. With this fresh in my mind, I am still ready to have my family, but instead of longing for the future, have embraced my current freedom. Because, let's face it, once you have kids your life is never the same. Granted, children could quite possibly be the greatest blessing you will ever receive (other than Jesus- don't get all technical on me people!), but your life does change and having kids is not reversible (are you all horrifically scared for my children, now?).

Just one day at a time... that's where I am. Waking up everyday, living in the moment, and trying desperately (and failing sometimes too) to live my life for God.

Mourning

Before I continue to write today's blog, I want to add a preface... probably a preface that will seem unfair to some of my readers.

I write this blog as openly and honestly as I can; revealing corners of my heart which rarely see the light of day. In writing it I am aware that I invite you all into my personal life. Here is my request: Please do not talk to me about what you read here. Please feel free to comment as you wish, but understand that sometimes what I write here, is difficult for me to talk about, and that is why I write. Writing comes as easily and naturally to me as breathing, and therefore when my life takes a tumultuous turn, I quickly turn to writing as an outlet.

I do apologize if this offends anyone because that is not my intention. I merely say it to guard my heart, and to perhaps save you from a rather uncomfortable conversation that may dissolve me into tears and snot. :) Onto the blog...

Mourning... everyone does it differently.

This past week we got some of the best news we could ask for; Billy's chemotherapy has been very successful and the cancer is being eradicated from his body. Billy had a follow-up appointment with the doctor to discuss what exactly this meant as far as the rest of his treatment went, and he will finish his chemo but then will most likely go into remission. I was elated, and then Billy told me something else that his doctor said.

I had asked Billy to see when we would be able to start trying for kids again, trusting that he won't be infertile, and the doctor said that ideally we should wait a year from the end of his chemotherapy... so November 2011 we can start trying.

I was crushed.

Many of you don't know that I have been yearning to be a mom for the past two years, and just last November Billy told me that we could start trying. Then in March he was diagnosed with cancer and all baby plans were put on hold. I know to read this, unless you have been in my place, my situation seems small and insignificant.

Has your heart ever been so focused on something that everything else seemed like an unnecessary distraction? That is what mommy-hood means to me. To convey what I'm feeling, would be to convey a broken heart. I feel crushed, downtrodden, and so frustrated. I feel like I am standing on a cliff face, staring down at my future, and there is no way to reach it. Just standing there, utterly bewildered at how I am ever going to get there.

The other part of a broken heart is that incredible sense of loss. Physically I never had anything to lose, but I did lose the vision of me holding my baby next fall, celebrating my baby's first holiday season... These are the things I mourn. I mourn for my aching heart that is so resolutely living in my future.

So I cry... that's how I mourn. I don't get angry, I just feel sad. And eventually the peace and truth of God will wash over me and I will accept that my life is exactly where God wants it to be right now. So you see, in my mourning my faith is not lost... I know that my God is a good God. He has a plan for my future, has perfect timing, and loves me more than I will ever know. Right now I pray, and cry, and pray, and cry some more, all the time knowing that God is moving, and that God fulfills his promises.

One day, one perfect day, I will be with my children and I will understand why it was necessary for me to be in this place at this time.

And on that perfect day, God is going to teach me to base jump and I will jump off that cliff and plummet into my future.

Lately

I can without a doubt count myself a blessed person. This might seem a strange statement from someone whose husband just started chemo therapy this week.

The Boo's chemo schedule is that he does five days in a row, then gets two weeks off. Tomorrow he will complete his first week of chemo and is very happy to embrace the two weeks that will follow. We have felt very strong, optimistic, and faithful all week.

Thus far we have been lucky that the side effects of the therapy have been minimal. His first ones I actually laughed at a little... it was the hiccups. Today the nurse didn't give him one of his medications to see if that would help the hiccups, and unfortunately he is feeling a bit off this evening. Nothing too serious, but very tired and just not feeling like himself. He is currently passed out on the couch, with our small gray kitty, Lizzie, snuggled up next to him. I am just thankful that he is getting some rest.

When I got home today, after having a rough day myself, and seeing that Billy wasn't feeling too well, my heart broke, and I began to cry. I could feel myself falling into Despair's hands. Then Billy opened his mouth and began to pray aloud. I can't remember what he said. And you know, it doesn't really matter. But God moved, and when he finished praying I found myself able to laugh and smile. Hope had filled my heart, and God's promises were fresh in my mind.

It was a good reminder that the enemy loves when we are down, and he doesn't hesitate to kick us while we're there.

As this week draws to a close, my eyes have been opened to see the blessings that surround me more than ever before. Like the watchful shepherd, my heavenly Father has led me to green pastures and still waters.

Your prayers are as precious as gold; they hold us together and carry us on.

Blessed, so very blessed are we ... to say those words while facing an adversary is strange.

God works everything to my good. Also strange, but also true.