One Day at a Time

Where to start... God is good... we'll start there.

Within a day... scratch that... HOURS of writing my last blog I felt so deeply encouraged by the Lord. I took a long walk on the beach that night (which, by the way is sorta creepy when you are by yourself at 10 pm) and just listened to the water. I love the sound of the waves crashing. That probably sounds poetically cheesy, but I do love it. I think its mysterious, powerful, and romantic. I stood there alone on the beach, facing the ocean (with the breeze in my hair... book cover in the making, no? But I wasn't in a dress that bared too much cleavage, or ripped up to my thigh, and Fabio wasn't lurking in the background) and I was aware of just a few things, but the main thought was just a simple, "It's ok." Astonishing and profound I know. Between reflecting and furtively looking over my shoulder (STRANGER DANGER) I felt like I was ready to start hearing the encouragement that I knew friends and family were waiting to give me.

And yes, you heard (read?) me correctly- I was ready to hear encouragement. Tuesday I was not in a place for such a thing. Ie when the Hubs so gently tried to lift my spirits I flippin' flipped out on him. God bless him... I can be so terrible sometimes! :) But that's where I was, and if there is one thing you can count on is that I am honest and I will tell you AAAAAALLLLL about it should you not tread so lightly... (maybe that's something I should work on?) Tuesday night I wanted to cry and to be sad and I didn't want to be happy. But by about midnight that night, I was ready.

The next day I had a good conversation with a dear friend from work (PUZZLE PIECE!) and she had some great input. She first reminded me that I have plenty of time, and then she also reminded me that once I have kids, I will have them FOREVER. This fact, stated so succinctly, has clearly been known to me as I don't plan on shucking my kids a few years after I have them, but it got me thinking. With this fresh in my mind, I am still ready to have my family, but instead of longing for the future, have embraced my current freedom. Because, let's face it, once you have kids your life is never the same. Granted, children could quite possibly be the greatest blessing you will ever receive (other than Jesus- don't get all technical on me people!), but your life does change and having kids is not reversible (are you all horrifically scared for my children, now?).

Just one day at a time... that's where I am. Waking up everyday, living in the moment, and trying desperately (and failing sometimes too) to live my life for God.

Mourning

Before I continue to write today's blog, I want to add a preface... probably a preface that will seem unfair to some of my readers.

I write this blog as openly and honestly as I can; revealing corners of my heart which rarely see the light of day. In writing it I am aware that I invite you all into my personal life. Here is my request: Please do not talk to me about what you read here. Please feel free to comment as you wish, but understand that sometimes what I write here, is difficult for me to talk about, and that is why I write. Writing comes as easily and naturally to me as breathing, and therefore when my life takes a tumultuous turn, I quickly turn to writing as an outlet.

I do apologize if this offends anyone because that is not my intention. I merely say it to guard my heart, and to perhaps save you from a rather uncomfortable conversation that may dissolve me into tears and snot. :) Onto the blog...

Mourning... everyone does it differently.

This past week we got some of the best news we could ask for; Billy's chemotherapy has been very successful and the cancer is being eradicated from his body. Billy had a follow-up appointment with the doctor to discuss what exactly this meant as far as the rest of his treatment went, and he will finish his chemo but then will most likely go into remission. I was elated, and then Billy told me something else that his doctor said.

I had asked Billy to see when we would be able to start trying for kids again, trusting that he won't be infertile, and the doctor said that ideally we should wait a year from the end of his chemotherapy... so November 2011 we can start trying.

I was crushed.

Many of you don't know that I have been yearning to be a mom for the past two years, and just last November Billy told me that we could start trying. Then in March he was diagnosed with cancer and all baby plans were put on hold. I know to read this, unless you have been in my place, my situation seems small and insignificant.

Has your heart ever been so focused on something that everything else seemed like an unnecessary distraction? That is what mommy-hood means to me. To convey what I'm feeling, would be to convey a broken heart. I feel crushed, downtrodden, and so frustrated. I feel like I am standing on a cliff face, staring down at my future, and there is no way to reach it. Just standing there, utterly bewildered at how I am ever going to get there.

The other part of a broken heart is that incredible sense of loss. Physically I never had anything to lose, but I did lose the vision of me holding my baby next fall, celebrating my baby's first holiday season... These are the things I mourn. I mourn for my aching heart that is so resolutely living in my future.

So I cry... that's how I mourn. I don't get angry, I just feel sad. And eventually the peace and truth of God will wash over me and I will accept that my life is exactly where God wants it to be right now. So you see, in my mourning my faith is not lost... I know that my God is a good God. He has a plan for my future, has perfect timing, and loves me more than I will ever know. Right now I pray, and cry, and pray, and cry some more, all the time knowing that God is moving, and that God fulfills his promises.

One day, one perfect day, I will be with my children and I will understand why it was necessary for me to be in this place at this time.

And on that perfect day, God is going to teach me to base jump and I will jump off that cliff and plummet into my future.

Lately

I can without a doubt count myself a blessed person. This might seem a strange statement from someone whose husband just started chemo therapy this week.

The Boo's chemo schedule is that he does five days in a row, then gets two weeks off. Tomorrow he will complete his first week of chemo and is very happy to embrace the two weeks that will follow. We have felt very strong, optimistic, and faithful all week.

Thus far we have been lucky that the side effects of the therapy have been minimal. His first ones I actually laughed at a little... it was the hiccups. Today the nurse didn't give him one of his medications to see if that would help the hiccups, and unfortunately he is feeling a bit off this evening. Nothing too serious, but very tired and just not feeling like himself. He is currently passed out on the couch, with our small gray kitty, Lizzie, snuggled up next to him. I am just thankful that he is getting some rest.

When I got home today, after having a rough day myself, and seeing that Billy wasn't feeling too well, my heart broke, and I began to cry. I could feel myself falling into Despair's hands. Then Billy opened his mouth and began to pray aloud. I can't remember what he said. And you know, it doesn't really matter. But God moved, and when he finished praying I found myself able to laugh and smile. Hope had filled my heart, and God's promises were fresh in my mind.

It was a good reminder that the enemy loves when we are down, and he doesn't hesitate to kick us while we're there.

As this week draws to a close, my eyes have been opened to see the blessings that surround me more than ever before. Like the watchful shepherd, my heavenly Father has led me to green pastures and still waters.

Your prayers are as precious as gold; they hold us together and carry us on.

Blessed, so very blessed are we ... to say those words while facing an adversary is strange.

God works everything to my good. Also strange, but also true.

Carnitas Revisited

Well... last week I tried my hand at carnitas and I was pleased. But I started thinking about how easy it was and how much better I could probably get them to taste had I put a little more effort into them...

The search was on. Turns out when you type "Best carnitas recipe,"" into Google that it pulls up A LOT! But one of them caught my eye and I decided to try it.

INGREDIENTS:

4-5 lb. Pork shoulder roast
Dried Thyme, Salt, and Pepper (to taste)
six garlic cloves cut in half
1/2 cup milk

First you want to cut about a dozen small slits into the roast and push the garlic cloves into them. Then rub the roast with the thyme, salt, and pepper. Then it all comes back to the trusty crock pot--- plop that roast right in. Then you just plug in the crock pot, turn it on low, and put some water in the crock pot. How much water depends on the size of crock pot, but put enough in that the roast is at least 3/4 covered in water.

I left for work at this time, so the roast cooked for about 11 hours... but obviously it was probably done way earlier than that, so feel free to cook it for less.

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Remove the roast from the crock pot and discard the fat, and shred the meat- placing all the meat in a roasting pan, or you can use a metal 9 x 11 inch cake pan (that's what I used- my roasting pan is SO HUGE and I don't really care to work with it much). Drizzle the meat with the 1/2 cup milk and stir meat so that it all gets coated and place in the preheated oven.

Now, get a sauce pan and strain the remaining juices from the crockpot into the sauce pan. Bring the liquid to a boil. The recipe stated to reduce it down to about 2 cups (this will take a varied amount of time, depending on how much water you added, but probably about 45 minutes). I ended up reducing mine to probably about 1 cup, and it made it a bit thicker, which I liked. This will be poured over the meat at a later time. Feel free to skim off any extra fat that might form during the reduction process.

Every 10 minutes or so check the meat and give it a stir. You will keep cooking it until the meat is lightly browned and no milk is on the bottom of the pan. When you stir it, be sure to stir in the drippings that are sticking to the bottom of the pan- they are loaded with flavor. This process takes about 40 - 60 minutes, depending on your pan and oven. If you find that your oven tends to cook fast or hot, then adjust the temperature a little lower, you want it to brown slowly.

After the meat is browned, and your reduction is ready, drizzle about 1 cup of the reduction over the meat, stir, and place back into the oven to cook for about 15 more minutes, checking and stirring at around 10 minutes.

When it's done it should be nice and brown, with some edges being a bit crispy. Serve with your fave taco toppings (fresh chopped onion, tomato, cilantro, avocado, cheese, sour cream, etc.) on a corn tortilla and you've got yourself a DELISH dinner.

This recipe was INCREDIBLE and it is so worth the extra time to cook it. What I loved about this recipe was that as long as you had the milk then it didn't really require any extra ingredients since you just use the juice from the crockpot. The meat is still tender and juicy, but with some of the crispy edges... wow... tastebuds rejoice. Just remember not to rush it, that is the key to this one I think. With a little patience it is easily duplicatable (not sure that's a word!).

Until next time- cook on cookin' cuppies!

Pork Carnitas!

Whenever I wanted GOOOOOOD pork carnitas tacos I felt like I had to go out--- NOT ANYMORE!!! As I said in the corned beef entry, I was going to make good use of my crockpot. Weeellllllll... I went to Stater Bros. (who have the best priced meat!) and picked up a pound of pork shoulder strips (99 cents a pound baby!). So I rub them with pressed garlic and then plopped them into the crockpot with about a cup of salsa(my homemade "Holl-sa", my friend dubbed it). I turned the crockpot on high for two hours and then switched it to low for another two hours. Then I removed the pork, shredded it, and PRESTO- I had pork carnitas!

This was so incredibly easy it made me feel stupid for not making it before. The meat turned out juicy and tender and now I am so excited to experiment a bit with flavors (and different types of meat!). This recipe was made to be played with, so play with it, adding spice and flavors that suit you. Also, try different meats as well, as most would work, just remember that tough meat needs to cook long and slow to come out tender.

Even though the pork turned out great, next time I am going to cook it on low the whole time, and just let it cook longer. The key to making the meat great is allowing it to cook slowly and allow the flavors you are cooking with to slowly marinate the meat.

This recipe discovery really excites me (and the husband) because on those days where I could be working late, I know that all I need is about 5 minutes in the morning before work to get this going, and then it will be all ready by the time I get home (obviously just make sure to keep it on low when cooking for this long... it would be such a bummer to come home tired to dry, icky meat!).

Pull out your crockpot and EAT UP! Keep on cookin' cupcakes!

Speed Bump Revisited

On Tuesday we received some of the best news we could ask for- the CAT scan results of the Boo's chest and abdomen came back negative, showing no signs that the cancer had spread. We rejoiced and praised God for bringing us thru this ordeal and I couldn't help but feel like this was going to be a speed bump in the road of life that we were quickly leaving behind and, quite frankly, not a moment too soon.

Today was his follow-up appointment where we discuss what, if anything, happens next. The doctor explained that while no cancer showing in the CAT scan is promising, does not mean that the Boo is cancer free. Apparently some cancer may not show up, so there are still a certain amount of measures we now need to take. Also, the doctor discussed the pathology report which revealed(and I quote) that lymphovascular invasion was present, and that the tumor was 5% classic seminoma, and 95% embryonal carcinoma. LAYMAN'S TERMS: there is probably still cancer in his body but at this time it is inconclusive.

We are now waiting for confirmation on when the Boo will go see the oncologist and we will then decide to do chemo, surgery (to remove lymphatic tissue that the cancer could have spread to), or observation. No decisions have been made, we are waiting... praying... listening... waiting.

I feel like I am now glaring into my rear-view mirror, watching in disbelief as somehow my life pulls a 360. The speed bump is now before me, but this time seems bigger. For now we retreat, to plan and prepare, but it better know that we are fighters, and when we come back, we're coming with a bull dozer.

Thanks for your love and prayers... they are everything.

Corned Beef Brisket ma' laddies

No--- I am not Irish--- but in honor of St. Patrick's Day and seeing as I have NEVER eaten any of the "traditional" Irish dishes I have decided to make corned beef and cabbage... well and potatoes and onion and carrots... everything else that goes in the crock pot. Read on for the recipe...

INGREDIENTS:

8 lbs. flat cut Corned Beef (you could get point cut also- but I used the flat)

Five gold potatoes cut into quarters

One medium white onion cut in half

3 cloves of garlic

Two cups baby carrots

One head of cabbage cut in quarters

12 oz. Guinness beer (you could use another similar beer, and you may need more depending on how big your crockpot is-it just needs to be enough to mostly cover the meat- it is always ok to buy extra beer tho!)

The crock pot is quickly becoming my best friend in the new recipe issue, especially considering how busy life has been lately. It makes cooking so easy! This is how I made the brisket...

I put the brisket in the bottom of the crockpot, poured in the little seasoning packet that came with it, and crushed the garlic on top. Then I poured the beer over that. Then I put in the potatoes, onion, carrots, finishing with the cabbage on very top.

NOW all you have to do is plug in the crockpot, turn it on low, and LEAVE! I did this at 7 in the morning, left for work, and then came home at 6 and it was ALL ready. Ideally it wouldn't have cooked this long- it really only needs somewhere between 6 and 8 hours. The potatoes were a bit overdone but otherwise it turned out pretty good.

Seeing as I have never had corned beef before, I had no idea what to expect. It is pretty good, nothing that I would order all the time, but still good. What I REALLY loved was the carrots... but I have always really liked cooked carrots, but the broth that is created as it cooks all day long was SOOOO... good! It sorta tasted like au jus (the stuff that comes with a french dip... feel free to correct my spelling) but BETTER.

I think the best part about this recipe was the leftovers! I made Billy a sandwich with some of the leftover meat in Hawaiian wheat rolls with mozzarella cheese and it was quite scrumptious.

Whereas it wasn't quite the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me, maybe it will be for someone else. Keep on cookin' cuppies