The Road to Boston: Part I

Deciding to really go for one of your life goals is invigorating, challenging, frightening, and fulfilling… at least that is what it has felt like for me as I signed up for the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon.

I started running when I was 16 and, while yes, there are days that I hate it and every step is a challenge, most days my run is where I find solace, peace, strength, and courage. It’s where my greatest competitor is my mind, and the battle is between my body and my will. The road never judges me, and with every stride I feel stress and tension leaving my body.  Once I find that cadence, my stride flows naturally with the thrumming bass and my mind wanders. I fell in love with running and the freedom that I feel from it.

I started doing 5 and 10k races recreationally but it wasn’t until a friend was going to do a marathon that I realized how badly I wanted to do it. In 2005 I began to train but before I signed up I injured my knee slightly and decided that it was not the right time. Then in 2007 another friend urged me to run the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon with her and I decided to do it. I completed the marathon in around 5 hours and tho my body ached all over, I knew that I couldn’t wait to do another one.

The Boston Marathon is a landmark for competitive runners and it wasn’t long after I completed my marathon that I had my sights set on qualifying for the race. Timing and personal reasons pushed off the race again and again, and finally I decided that 2012 was the year that I would aim to qualify. How the Boston Marathon works is that there are certain races which serve as qualifiers, so if you complete the qualifying race in a certain time for your age and gender bracket then you are allowed to sign up for Boston.

This may sound silly, but it’s not so much important to me to actually RUN in the Boston but to say that I could sign up if I wanted to would be a huge accomplishment. My qualifying race is on June 3^rd and I have a goal time of finishing in 3 ½ hours; that’s maintaining about an 8 minute mile for 26.2 miles.

My training schedule is arduous and when I’m not working or sleeping, chances are I am in the gym. My progress is slow but it has been improving and I feel confident that if I remain disciplined that I will achieve my goal.

A little over a week ago I did not feel that way. I realized that I had been slacking off perpetually in my training, making excuses and just not pushing myself do to well. A friend asked me why I wasn’t hitting it as hard as I should be, and I realized that it was because I was afraid of failing. My strange mentality was that if I didn’t train as hard and then didn’t qualify I could say that it wasn’t my best effort and therein have an excuse for not reaching my goal. I felt like such a coward when I realized this, but have made the mental shift that I am going to give it my all, and if I train my hardest and still don’t qualify, then at least I tried. Reaching for your dreams can be intimidating, but you will never achieve them if you don’t reach for them.

I have since wondered how much of this mentality leaks into my everyday life… how afraid of failing am I? Is it keeping me from my hopes and dreams? Fear can stifle your life and cause you to take the easy road, which may feel good at the time, but how less fulfilled then is your life? How much are you missing out on?

My friend later sent me this quote by Beverly Sills: “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.”

Being doomed is not on the menu, in any area of my life. Don’t let it be on yours either.

Thanksgiving

As I sat at the dinner table today and looked around at the people who surrounded me I knew I was blessed. This was my first Thanksgiving where I was not with any family members...well by blood... which by the way... I don't like saying people are related "by blood"... it just sounds creepy. Anyhow... I digress...

When I moved down to Southern California I knew that I was leaving behind my wonderful family and friends and did not know what I would find in my new home. Had I known the people who would quickly become my "SoCal Family" I would have never hesitated. I never knew why God brought me to southern California, but if it was only to meet this wonderful family, it would be enough.

They have taught me more about life, love, God, and friendship and to them I am eternally thankful. That being said... I am obviously very thankful for them. However... as this IS the day of thanks... I feel like it would be unfair to neglect some of the other things I am thankful for... I am going to skip over the more obvious items and get down to the odious ones... I shall keep the list to 10 items so as to not ramble.

1.) Pumpkin pie - yeah maybe cliche considering the holiday but it is SO delish
2.) Laughing so hard that something comes out your nose - yes it hurts, but it is so worth it
3.) Football - is there really anything better than napping on the couch while watching football... don't bother answering because the answer is always NO
4.) Sneezing - not the gross snotty kind, but just the little ones that feel so good to get out
5.) Chai Lattes - but only if they give me the hiccups...otherwise I am NOT thankful for them
6.) Hot Showers - this needs no explanation... OR if you feel like you need one take a cold shower and then tell me you aren't thankful for hot showers
7.) Colored Pens - somehow writing in different colored ink makes work more fun
8.) Games - pure fun... if you don't like games then we really aren't compatible
9.) Naps - you're welcome
10.) Long Hugs - good for any mood, you always feel better after a good hug...unless they have BO... maybe make sure that personal hygiene is in tact prior to the hug

Be thankful... be happy...seriously... laugh... it's good for you

Reminded

A week ago I decided to spend some time at my local Starbucks, taking in some good people watching while reading and writing. There was a homeless woman sitting at a table not too far from me and I noticed that she would take a small doll out of her pocket and talk to it. Granted, I do not know the real reason for this, but as I watched her speak fervently I felt sad. I realized that small doll was probably her closest "friend" (if you will), and the closest thing to real companionship that she had.

Earlier this week I was sitting in my cubicle at work reviewing a document when I heard one of my coworkers on the phone talking about his recent bout with cancer and radiation. I had noticed that he had missed some work recently but never thought twice about it. My heart felt heavy as I recalled when Billy went through his cancer treatment and how difficult it was, and how my coworker had been carrying this burden with a quiet strength.

This morning after my spin class I was perusing the news feed on good ol' FB when I came across a post that saddened me deeply. A friend posted about her recent miscarriage and my heart was just breaking for her. The empathy I felt caused my eyes to well and I closed my eyes to say a prayer for her and her family. I was immediately transported to my own miscarriage(s) and felt that deep ache and loss that permeates down to and through your soul, where only the healing touch of the Father can offer any solace.

In all three scenarios I was immediately humbled and reminded that there is always so much going on below the surface. We all carry our own struggles and we all fight our own battles daily. I was also reminded of how thankful I should be... that I have such wonderful friends for companionship, that Billy fully recovered from cancer, and that while those miscarriages were very painful, that God always has a plan and is always in control.

A friend and I have been going through a hard time, and I recently said to that person, "Please remember the good times." After I wrote that I thought about it for a little bit. What did I mean by that and why did it matter to me? Well, maybe not so much what does it mean... I think (hope?) the meaning is pretty well self explanatory, but why was it important to me that they remember the good times? I think it was because I felt like the friendship would be lost without it... that after all was said and done that everything we had been through would be lost in a sea of anger and sadness. And while I still think that it is vital to remember the good times, I think it is foolish to forget the bad.

Is it not our mistakes that cause us to grow the most? Even in the example of my friend and me going through our struggles,  our friendship would not be able to grow in a healthy way if we ignored the bad and did not learn from our mistakes. If we never learned from our mistakes we would hurt ourselves and those around us perpetually.

Our past is comprised of bad and good memories... times of love and laughter... moments of anger, sadness and tears... instances of hurt and pain... and without all of these we would not be who we are. Learn from the hurt and pain, forgive the anger and sadness, and cherish the love and laughter. But never forget... always be reminded.

Memories are a window to our past, and help us walk through the doors of our future.

Life Goes On

Sometimes bad things happen.

Sometimes life doesn't go the way we would like it to.

Fortunately, this does not mean that life ceases... the world continues to turn and time ticks on... so the moments in which we feel fragile and broken pass and hopefully we take with the hard lessons the growth and wisdom that accompanies them. Heartache in this life in inevitable and the least we can do is learn from our circumstances and try and not make the same mistake twice.

I try to avoid learning hard way...unfortunately this is my current method. Insisting upon falling flat on my face and then looking around in bewilderment like, "What the poop just happened?" For those of you who snowboard, what I'm about to say will mean more to you than others... I feel like lately I have been catching my edge continually...getting violently tossed to the ground, wiping out in the worst way possible. After I shake it off, I unsteadily work my way to standing. Pushing through the pain I assess that while I might be pretty seriously bruised, there is no permanent damage.

I have just had a hard run and am currently riding the lift back to the top... what will happen? Will I find fresh powder and peacefully carve my way down the mountain? As one of my dear friends reminds me, we are the captain of our own ship (thanks puzzle piece) and therefore can sail into whatever waters we choose (bear with me as I know that I have switched metaphors at whiplash speed). I pray that I have the wisdom to choose the right waters, the right path, and at the end of the path find my safe harbor.

skinned knees
bleary eyes
wasted so much time believing senseless lies
not gonna waste tears on these goodbyes
get up get up
you're stronger than that
brush off those palms
no looking back
--Me

Fragile

I'm having one of those mornings where I'm acting like the grumpy little baby who didn't get enough sleep and has a poopy diaper. I am cranky and frustrated but I'll still smile and laugh if you distract me from my current state. Unfortunately, once that distraction is gone I find myself slipping back into a painful state of mind.

After waking sometime in the wee hours this morning from a bad dream, I sat on the floor of my apartment, Lizzie resting in my lap, and I prayed...and I prayed... and I cried... and I prayed some more. It is times like this that I hate myself... so weak and fragile. Shame and disgust cause more tears to spill over and I just hope that in some form I am growing, learning, or at least take steps in the right direction.

As I sat and prayed I knew God was with me... but that peace I normally feel never washed over me, and as dawn's light pressed in through the blinds, I knew I was in for a long day. I feel as tho I am high on a mountain top, standing on the tiniest precipice that should I falter in any direction but the right one, I am doomed.

Life has to change...I know this. If life was dormant would it be life at all? Not much of one; that is certain. During change footfalls feel indeterminate, and each step is a risk that you are just hoping leads you to where you are supposed to go.

I take a deep breathe and am thankful that God has given me the ability to release frustration through writing, and maybe that is why I didn't feel that peace till now. As I bring this to a close, I still recognize how fragile life is, but I hold onto the things in life that I treasure and value... love, hope, joy and laughter. Life would be empty without these for me.

Through the haze and the dust I am doing my best to find that sure-footing, and while the road is precarious, I know that I must continue to walk... because going back is not an option.

"Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"
-Adele

Weekend Away

This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to spend the weekend in Oregon with one of my dearest friends. Her hubby was out of town and graciously (or heavily persuaded depending on who you ask) paid for my flight so that I could assist her with her two darling boys (ages 4 months, and 2 years old). Needless to say the weekend was fantastic. Over lots of coffee, food, and wine, we laughed, cried, and laughed some more. There is something so comforting about a friend who can tell what you are thinking just by the expression on your face.

This post is merely just to say thanks to my wonderful lovie who puts up with all my shenanigans... you are such an amazing wife, mother, and friend and I love you!!!

Let's Try This

I feel compelled to write so consider this my best effort. Not really sure what I can say, or what I am willing to express here, but I know that I need to write. Words are aching to be released from me...but now what to say...

The last time I posted was in April...to say that a lot has happened since April would be a "mild" understatement. For privacy purposes of parties involved I will not go into detail of what is going on, but rest assured that all parties are doing ok. During this time I have gone thru so many ups and downs, and I am happy to say that I have finally leveling out a bit...a bit. I have discovered some areas that I am incredibly weak, and I have discovered some ways I am incredibly strong... or stubborn... take your pick.

Today I am having a bit of a down day so tears have welled and threatened to spill over continually. So during my down days I like to reflect on things I have to be thankful for. My number one reason is always God... the strength, courage, and perseverance that He gives me is unfathomable and I know that I would not be living if it weren't for Him.

After God are my wonderful friends and family who love on me day in and day out even when I'm feeling so unlovable. Every single one of them has had to put up with a bit of crazy and for that I apologize. Below are some anonymous thanks to a few close (understatement) friends who have helped me tremendously during this time.

My Puzzle Piece, who listens to me when I'm being irrational and dramatic and has probably heard the same crap at least a thousand times... thank you for never giving up on me and always being a reality check. You see thru my mistakes and know who I am at the core, you speak truth and logic into every situation and anchor me when I feel myself slipping away.

My BRoll, my faraway friend who I wish was closer but is always there in a heartbeat and who will sit patiently on the other end of the phone line while I just cry and cry...thank you for being someone who knows me in and out and is always my number one supporter. You love me for who I am truly and you are always so supportive and encouraging.

My BBD, who can always make me smile and laugh in the face of adversity...thank you for always being there and offering a smile and a hug whenever I need it. It is our differences that I celebrate in as you offer a new and fresh perspective, and while we don't always see eye to eye, we love eachother and are there for eachother thru and thru and that's what matters.

My Angels, who have been placed between a rock and a hard place unfortunately, have handled the last couple months with such grace, understanding, and wisdom that it is hard for me to comprehend. I love you both so much and am (as usual) grateful for your impact in my life.

And lastly, and maybe mostly, to My Guard Dog, who has seen me at my worst during these months, knows every one of my secrets, but somehow manages to still love me...thank you doesn't begin to express what's in my heart. The strength and support that you have offered during this trying time is infinite. Thank you for your loyalty, your friendship, and your faithfulness...it is not overlooked and it is not taken lightly.

It is because of my wonderful friends that I feel like I can get up in the morning. It is because of them that I try to be a better person. And it is because of them that I keep forging ahead. I don't know what lies ahead, but with friends like these, I know that whatever comes my way, it's handled.

I am lucky... I am blessed... I am loved.