Reality Bites

Sometimes people are just really sucky... you know that? And while "sucky" may not even be an actual word, I surmise that it sums up how we feel about people in our lives occasionally.

I have decided that in high school, or perhaps even earlier, we should begin to teach courses on friendships or relationships in general. Instead of some of the useless information that we are forced to learn (i.e. when was the last time you referenced geometry or mitosis?) they should have some sort of relationship specialist teach what it means to be a friend. Perhaps then we would not have to put up with the douchebaggery of people (well, not to say we wouldn't have to to deal with it sometimes... unfortunately I do not think that the course would eliminate douche bags completely...I'm still working on that cure).

Back in my single days I read, "He's Just Not That Into You," and it absolutely changed the way that I viewed dating. I stopped wasting my time on stupid losers who didn't have the capacity to acknowledge my awesomeness (hahahaha) and was able to focus on the men that actually gave a damn. Basically what the book boils down to is that if the dude is really into you, then he will make the time for you, he will make sacrifices for you, and he will get past his baggage to be with you... so if the guy you are dating isn't cutting it, stop making excuses for him and cut him loose because there are other fish in the sea (Rihanna says it very well in "Raining Men"). This translates into friendship quite easily.

I am the queen of making excuses for people. A peacemaker to the core I readily gloss over conflict and easily forgive misgivings, swallowing my hurt and telling myself that they didn't really mean to wrong me. While this is not inherently a bad trait, it can be when perhaps the problem is more of a pattern and it is the same person causing the pain over and over again.

Maybe this is obvious to other people, but I recently stumbled (or rather sprinted into a brick wall...or at least that's what it felt like) upon a harsh reality. No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you care for them and value their friendship, and no matter how much of a priority you make them in your life, you can't make them feel the same way. Glaringly evident, I'm sure, but I guess since I feel like I have recently experienced this, I am just really feeling and living in the hurt right now.

True friendship should always be reciprocal; one half equaling the other. There will be seasons where the scale may tip in one direction or another, but if you were to weigh it all out, it would be even. There are so many aspects to friendship, but to me, the top ranking aspects are:

1.)Unconditional love: I don't care wtf you've done or did, I love you for you and that's that.
2.) No judgment: we all make mistakes and I'm not gonna point a finger at you, but I am gonna get in the trenches with you and help you figure it out.
3.) Dealing with the drama: Obviously there is a limit here, but if someone that you consider a true friend has some drama going on, you deal with it... you are their friend so suck it up and deal with it.
4.) Doing crap you don't wanna do: whether it's falling on a "grenade", having an uncomfortable discussion after a fight, or having to deal with some drama (previously referenced) you do it because you love them and you take the good with the bad... don't be a selfish friend (it can't always be about you).
5.) Availability and Prioritizing: life is busy, we all know this, but when a friend needs a laugh, a hug, a listening ear, or just someone to sit with, you put your DVR on pause and you are there for them.
6.) Meet their needs: everyone has different needs (for example I need hugs and I need to be heard when I am upset) and sometimes this means you may have to do something that you don't want to do (see #4) but if you truly #1 them, you are willing to do what they need you to do. For example, one of my friends is quite insecure, and when they have a problem it involves dissecting every single aspect of every single conversation and analyzing to the full extent what each word and aspect ACTUALLY means. I find this quite painstaking and sometimes will inwardly grow impatient as we spend hour upon hour examining the issue, but I do it because it is what they need and how they handle it.
7.) Follow through and communicate: sometimes plans cave and sometimes there's a glitch in the system, but there should always be an honest effort to follow through on what you said you were going to do... don't be a flake... be reliable.

... ok... so starting a list was a bad choice because A) many of the bullets above overlap and repeat each other, and B) I could probably list off about 100 different aspects and not even be close to finishing what I started. But I hope that on some level you see where I am headed with this and you get what I am trying to convey.

Final Lesson of the Day: put your money where your mouth is people. If you don't mean it, don't say it. Words are just words without action behind them, and guess what? Without the action it just feels like lies, and really it is a lie because if you really meant what you said, then your actions would show it. I'm tired of hearing from people how much they love and care for me when their actions depict the opposite.

I'm not saying I'm blameless and have never been guilty of the pitfalls listed above, but friendship is a blessing, and we need to stop effing it up. Love your friends and treat them the way you want to be treated. Sometimes reality bites, but you should not be bitten by your friends (unless it's playful).

Secret Selfish Gym Trick

As many of you know, I am a gym junkie. It is my me-time and I rarely make the exception to miss it. So 5 or 6 days a week I can be found at one of the various 24-Hour Fitness clubs working out. For the most part I enjoy working out in a gym setting; especially in the classes. I love the competitive nature that comes alive in me, refusing to let the person next to me out-perform me. The gym I work out at the most is right by my work too, so you can't beat the convenience.

Of course there are drawbacks to the gym also. There is seasonal nuance of the "New Year Resolutioners". And as much as I would like to, you aren't allowed to walk up to strangers and deodorize them. There are always going to be the annoying guys at the gym who seem to think that an appropriate time to hit on you is while you are in a dead sprint on the treadmill, and as a trainer one of my hugest pet peeves is watching people compromise their form to lift a heavier weight.

However annoying the above may be to me, it is nothing compared to how I feel about the locker room. The locker room at my gym is stuffy, small, and overcrowded (or at least it is around 7:30 a.m. when I am trying to shower and get ready in an efficient manner). The lockers are stacked two high with a small bench at the base that are connected in sort of a half rectangle which goes around the edge of the locker room (make sense?).

One of the annoying things is contesting for space on the bench. People pull their stuff out of their locker and then spread it out all over the bench in front of the other lockers, rather than keeping it confined to just their "designated area" if you will. For a long time I have politely asked people to move their stuff so that I can get into my locker (which isn't so awkward except either when (A) they are naked, or (B) you are). But no more... I have found a solution.

See the problem was always that people spread out in front of the lockers next to theirs, so I realized that if I use more than one locker, then I am not only reserving more bench space, but increasing my chances that I will be able to get into my locker without the hassle. I started out by using two lockers, but now I have realized that three (or four) really work best. AND I am more organized now... change of clothes in one locker, shower stuff in another, empty gym bag in another, and (if necessary) dirty clothes in the fourth.

So yes... I am a greedy locker monger and I am proud of it. I love how people have to give me my space and that I am uninterrupted while I am getting ready. Judge all you want but that is my secret selfish gym trick to surviving the locker room.

Too Hard

You're dodging my calls, avoiding my eyes
shuffling your feet and telling me lies
you think I don't know, but baby I do
it's the same pattern, same routine
it's always the same damn thing
you'll push me away and then reel me back in
the ultimate puppet master, always pulling my strings

You say it's too hard

there's distance in your eyes, in your touch

I know when I've been benched and I'm now second string

i know things just aint the same

and i know that things have to change

some things are worth fighting for

fight for me and i'll fight for you

let's close this gap and move on

let's build that bridge and get over it

It's a game of tug of war but neither one of us will win

together we could move mountains but lately 

we're just making mountains out of mole hills

I know right now we're stuck, out of luck
this rock and hard place is all too familiar
don't push me away, we can figure it out
my heart aches, oh it breaks, when we fight
what the hell were we even fighting 'bout?

You say it's too hard

there's distance in your eyes, in your touch

I know when I've been benched and I'm now second string

i know things just aint the same

and i know that things have to change

some things are worth fighting for

fight for me and i'll fight for you

let's close this gap and move on

let's build that bridge and get over it

I'm not so complicated

just a woman with her heart in her hands

I want to be loved, to be held, I want a friend

So shh baby, just lay in my arms

I'll stroke your skin and make it all go away

it will all work out cause it has to

part of my life, part my heart

I won't let you go, lately the scales have been tipping

but we'll find that balance, don't say no.

we throw it in the fire, watch it all burn
watching these memories go up in smoke
just when I think we're done and it's all too much
you turn and give me one more touch

You say it's too hard

there's distance in your eyes, in your touch

I know when I've been benched and I'm now second string

i know things just aint the same

and i know that things have to change

some things are worth fighting for

fight for me and i'll fight for you

let's close this gap and move on

let's build that bridge and get over it

one more touch one more touch
it's all too much
hush hush  we'll work it out
hush hush we'll work it out

Dark

Hiya peeps...

So it's been awhile since I have posted anything. This is for two main reasons:

A) I've been stupid busy

B) when I have felt the urge to write it is typically something dark. I have resisted posting several "dark" posts (and they sit unpublished in my draft folder) because really it just isn't me.

Yes, I have my bad days... and yes I can be a terrible bitch... (come on... all of you who REALLY know me know this is true) but at the end of the day who I truly enjoy being is someone who is happy... the one who is first to laugh, and the last to stop. I like to forgive and forget, and be easy going. One of my friends recently told me that I "forgive too easily to a fault," which I replied, "it takes too much energy to be mad." So it may mean that I occasionally get trod on, but at least I get over it quickly.

I struggle with releasing my "inner demons" to the public because I feel like they contradict who I am and ergo why I felt compelled to write this blog after publishing "Burning Alive".

Many of you know that I am struggling with some stuff right now... some pretty heavy stuff... and I work hard at not letting it define me. But it is from the dark places of my heart that give birth to writings like "Burning Alive". The feelings are in me, but they aren't real...well maybe they are real...but they aren't permanent. They are fleeting thoughts, which are quickly banished by the majority of optimism and hope which refuses to release my soul (thank God). So while the feelings are fleeting, they do exist, and I gotta set 'em free, because if I don't, like an infection, they will fester and proliferate their bacteria through my system. This is why you may see some of my "Darth Vader" posts in the near future (but I still can't use the force dammit; I've tried).

I guess I just want everyone to know that I'm ok... to not be alarmed by things they may read and to not be misled. Many of you are my friends who read this from afar and I know that it must put questions in your mind about how I am doing... rest assured that I am doing well... by God's loving grace I am doing well.

For those of you in proximity, if you really know me, then you know that all it takes is a good hard look in my eyes... it's always written all over my face.

I will ask this... if you pray- pray for me. If you see me- hug me (I need like 10 hugs a day to feel like a human being, call it needy if you want, but I give good hugs so it's not like you aren't getting anything in return!). Right now what I need is love... love and acceptance and no judgment. Please understand that I am a private person so if I don't want to talk it's not you, it's me (and no we aren't breaking up). It has nothing to do with not trusting you, it has more to do with the fact that I am a stubborn ass and to accept help it normally takes nothing less than physical force (warning: should you decide to use "physical force" I will be forced to open up a can on you :-P ).

Thanks for reading... I am going to try and get some rest now... my alarm is set to go off in about 3 hours.

xoxo ~ Holls

Jesus, lover of my soul... Jesus, I will never let you go...

Burning Alive

make my mind stop churning, what do I smell burning?

my body's on fire, my hearts gonna beat right outta my chest,

what makes me think this day will be different than the rest?

hear that whistle blow, it's the end of the game, or is it a train?

either way it's the end... it all ends the same.

baby i'm burning alive

i'm doing all i can, but it's all I can do to survive

i'm wasting away, tryin' to get the help I need,

but it always stands in my path, wills me to not succeed

doused me in gasoline and struck that match

watch me burning alive... now there's love, what a catch

shh don't say the things that run through your mind

because people just let you down time after time

put on the mask its what people wanna see

all people care about is to be drama-free

so bottle up the hurt, and swallow it down

put that smile on your face, never let 'em see you frown

baby i'm burning alive

i'm doing all i can, but it's all I can do to survive

i'm wasting away, tryin' to get the help I need,

but it always stands in my path, wills me to not succeed

doused me in gasoline and struck that match

watch me burning alive... now there's love, what a catch

put me out put me out

put me out my misery

burn it down burn it down

burn it down to the ground

cause baby i'm burning alive

this aint how i wanna survive

i'm gonna burn this down till there's nothing left of me

gonna burn this down, so tired of feeling empty

no longer empty

always gonna be full

but first i gotta burn this down

to start all over

Long Meeting = Wandering Mind

We all know that as a geek to the core I love to learn. We also know that my attention span starts to wane quickly, especially without visual aids, so when it was announced that we were going to have a two-day educational meeting I was eager to attend.

My eagerness waned...HARD... on the first eight hour day where I struggled to sit still and focus on anything he was saying. Below are my ABC's of idle thoughts that I recorded during day two of the Neverending Educational Course:

A) my costco list
B) do I want to get pink or berry colored lip-liner?
C) I need a stain stick... how do I know which one to get?
D) I think I need to get my shoes shined, but you never see women getting their shoes shined... do they?
E) Hmmm... shoes... (I won't bore you with the many details that followed but this topic was in my head for awhile)
F) the Victoria's Secret sale ends this weekend, when am I going to go??? (Nevermind the fact that I already shopped it online AND in the store... )
G) I wonder if you can actually buy one of those guns like Batman has where you shoot it and it attaches to another building with a cable and then you can zipline across...I want to use one right now...must escape conference room!
H) How did Underdog get his powers?
I) Why is it that everyone else loves avocados but I don't think they taste at all?
J) Food for superbowl sunday
K) How do they generate sudoku puzzles?
L) I wish I had a sudoku puzzle right now.
M) Or any puzzle for that matter.
N) I need new music for my ipod.
O) Ugh I hate my phone... I need to find out when I am out of my stupid cell contract
P) Who is going to fall asleep first in this meeting? There is some serious head-bobbing going on...
Q) Book store... I have to go soon...
R) I must research the best karaoke bar in Orange County
S) What would I do if a giant spider came bursting into the room right now?
T) or a DINOSAUR!??!??!
U) Like what if all of a sudden a velociraptor came BURSTING in here...scary
V) COFFEEEEEEEEE!!!!
W) How old is this guy anyway?
X) I need a beer
Y) or two.
Z) It's five o'clock somewhere

Birthday Wishes

Today I am 29.

I only require two things on my birthday--- SOMEONE must sing me Happy Birthday, and I must make a wish and blow out candles. I am not a superstitious (maybe just a little-stitious) person who believes that making wishes will actually make them come true. But there is this intangible, almost magical (whoa do I feel dumb using that word) feeling that I get as I stare at the candles (or candle- it doesn't have to be the number of the age that I am turning!).

I don't know what I will actually wish for tonight when I blow out my candles, but I know this.

For Christmas of 2008 a friend at work gave me a daily calendar of affirmations. You know, those ones where you rip the page off everyday. Most of the affirmations were a little too hokey for me but I dutifully revealed the next page daily.

One of the pages I kept and still have stuck on my cubicle wall. It reads simply, "I have a dream, and I know that I deserve to have this dream come true." In my mind I modify it and say that I have dreams, and I deserve to have them come true. Because really, who has only ONE dream?

My wish is that I would follow this. So often I find myself stuck in the mundane daily cycle of this thing we call life, settling for mediocrity when I know that if maybe I were to actually try, that something would change. If I'm honest, it is also fear that bridles me. I worry that if I actually try, and then fail, that I will look foolish, feel embarassed, and will find myself exactly where I started. But this mindset, I know, will only hold me back, so it's time to shed that skin, and put on my big girl britches (is it weird that I immediately get a visual of oversized, white granny-panties?).

My wish is not just for me, but for all who have a dream that seems out of reach. Life is one chance... one... and then that's it. Now my fear of failure does not trump my fear that one day I will look back and say, "If only...". If I reach the end of my life and I can look back and say, "Well at least I tried..." then I consider it a success.

To think that we could have all we ever wanted but just never took hold of it. It does take a leap of faith, and accomplishing your dreams will probably mean taking a few spills along the way. But dreams aren't supposed to be easy... you ever thought about that? That dreams are supposed to be big, and seemingly unreachable.

Well, f unreachable.

It's time that we got a little dirty, put the work in, and reach our dreams. Sorry, Cinderella, but dreams don't come true by just believing. It takes effort and most of us don't have Fairy Godmothers chilling in our back pockets. Yes, it is a daunting and seemingly insurmountable task, but if your dream is not worth your application and energy, then I am not sure you are dreaming the right dream.

I will not be the fool left standing empty handed... don't let yourself be either.